It is believed that women have a harder time (than male partners) when breaking up with a partner and after the end of a relationship for objective reasons.
Typical thoughts come down to something like this: I realized that the world is fragile and people are vulnerable, but I will start from scratch, I will get through this, and this turbulent (difficult, full of happiness and disappointments) period that I am now experiencing will become a lesson in caring for myself.
Everything requires clarification in specific situations, since it is impossible to measure everything and everyone with the same yardstick and judge others from the position of one’s own imperfection, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
The Dangers of Thinking
Another danger is hidden in the usual style and role chosen by a woman as comfortable for herself, in the most familiar role.
A habit in a behavioral style is formed from a relatively safe experience of overcoming similar situations, that is, conditional “victories” characterized by a minimum of losses (assets) and experiences (emotional discomfort).
On the one hand, “choosing a role” or a style of behavior is not a choice at all; you simply cannot live differently, and you realize this.
On the other hand, "choosing" the same style without significant changes in behavior or attitude (both factors are related) leads to similar consequences. For example, some time after leaving a perceived toxic relationship, "interest continues" in partners with the same behavior patterns as the ex. And what to do with this, the woman does not know.
The benefits of the past tense
It is impossible to fully recover from a toxic personal relationship, as it is impossible to recover from any life experience that was taken seriously, that is, the relationship was perceived, animated by it. This "rule" applies to everyone, not just women.
Thus, toxic relationships of a personal nature, with a husband, partner, cohabitant, have more significance for a woman and influence her for a longer time after the end of communication than, for example, toxic relationships or emotional tossing and turning with colleagues at work, without a personal and intimate connection.
It is easier to forget or neutralize the significance of a conventional stranger and the subjectively perceived insults inflicted by him.
However, it is possible to change the attitude towards events after a breakup. Here, the choice between the conventional polar characteristics of "my life is poisoned" and "I am happy, no one has ever had this before" is also important.
Between polar concepts, of course, there is a palette of different opinions. There is always something to remember - both from happy moments and negative impressions. But with a relatively normal state of the psyche, the latter still dull over time.
It is easier to accept the situation and get closer to a harmonious emotional background if you perceive past events without the characteristics recommended “from the outside” - “toxic”, “nasty”, “abnormal”, etc. Even if the characteristics are offered by an authoritative person, a psychologist, a friend.
With the understanding that the advisers have not been in "my" situation to the same extent. And judging from the outside and from an emotionally safe position is always easier.
This is how attitudes towards the past are formed.
No matter how acute, brightly colored, and complex the experiences were (this is normal if there were sincere feelings for the partner), but with time and new impressions they become less influential on the emotional background and mood, and the past is no longer perceived as poisoned or associated with the partner's toxicity. When they cite the saying "time heals" - this is exactly what they mean.
What does a woman want?
After a breakup, as a complex emotional reaction, sometimes prolonged in time, a woman expects attention and reassurance. To feel happy again, to feel safe, positively in demand, desired.
This is precisely why the saying “widows are consoled in their warm beds” is (allegorically) true.
This requires timely attention and authority of a man, correctness and delicacy on his part, “tuning to the same wavelength”, that is, a nice (relative concept) man with a certain potential; if only no one would approach in such a situation.
For a stable financial situation and restoration of confidence (in the future - predictability is important), a woman also wants to have her urgent problems systematically resolved - children from previous marriages, urgent needs and everything connected with them.
The path to happiness
However, in order not only to look happy, but also to feel happy, a person does not need external attributes. The state of happiness is felt from within, and largely depends on the formed system of attitude to events.
Different value judgments are like the well-known maxims about the fullness of a glass (one will say - half empty, another - half full, and a person with a research intellect will offer a version that the glass could have been much smaller - he sees the glass as twice as big as in his subjective view it should be.
From this lengthy introduction, the main thing can be highlighted - the subjectivity of attitude and perception. It is important for any mentally adequate person and always.
From this we can understand that no matter how we worry, reality is somewhere in the middle between the emotionally charged polar ideas about it. Accordingly, it will not work not to worry and “not to think”, but it is not worth getting hung up on the same thing.
Diagnosis of the condition
To clarify and understand how bad you are, you can analyze, perceive and draw conclusions about your role and condition from two positions.
The first is personal subjective assessments based on an imperfect perception of the reality around you and your role in it. The second is assessing the attitude of other, authoritative, significant people around you.
You can diagnose relationships by carefully perceiving your children's reactions to you. This way is more realistic in terms of assessments and conclusions.
Tips for Forgetting Your Ex
Among the many tested options for restoring a harmonious emotional background after a breakup, oblivion is the best. But the specifics are important. First, you should not “close all doors” or block all communication resources.
Openness to both new and "old" communication opportunities is not the worst quality of a person. It is up to you to make the decision to start or renew a relationship. And it can be anything. Thus, isolation or self-isolation from contacts in most "adequate" cases is inappropriate.
In order to let go of emotions and get closer to a harmonious emotional background, to find peace after a major quarrel or breakup, it is appropriate to write a letter to your partner and... not send it, not show it. In this way - "talk it out" about the sore point. This can be a letter to the year 2035 or to the year 3035 of the 22nd century. Then hide the "epistolary trace" or do not remember it until the appropriate time.
When you want to continue the relationship
And it’s another matter when you want to continue the relationship. Then the “writing method” will be different. Both partners can write letters to each other in moments of despair, anger, regret, other prevailing emotions, as well as a letter to the future – with answers to questions about how each (from themselves) sees themselves and their partner.
A letter to the future is suitable, for example, to the year 2035. Exchanging such letters simultaneously, at the first convenient opportunity and preferably reading the “friend’s letter” together will help to better understand the partner and the overall positions in the relationship, and any questions that arise can be clarified or discussed right away.
The danger or difficulty of this method is that partners do not want, are afraid, to open up completely, even if they have known each other for a long time. Sometimes the experience of the partners' relationships is precisely an obstacle to trust.
Although complete trust in everything is rare among people, it is important for high-quality long-term relationships. At least at a feasible, minimal level.
Fears
The fears are the same as in the first days and months of dating: what if he doesn’t understand, doesn’t appreciate, ridicules, devalues, betrays, abandons, uses – there is no shortage of epithets. The main thing is that they are united by a common fear. The strongest human emotion.
That is why they are afraid to trust, to "open up", like spies who have played the "legend" and whose "mask" has already grown to their face. The "letter to a friend" method is suitable in many cases, but it is only a tool. A tool can be used in different ways.
One of the positive examples of benefit is knowledge of what is happening around you and why. And also the perception of yourself as an indispensable element of the system of public relations, communication with significant people. In other words, the understanding that you are not the only one "like that". And in the society known to you, everyone has problems, but of different nature and prospects. This understanding alone makes you feel emotionally better.
People, like porcupines, when it is “cold”, seek warmth, press against each other, and sometimes prick each other with their prickly spines-needles.
What to do? Change regularly. This method is suitable for different circumstances, including family life, if both partners strive for its duration and both understand the importance, and sometimes the necessity of changes in a positive sense.
There is a general rule about the importance and necessity of giving a woman emotions. But you can implement "gifts" in different ways.
Is it possible to help a woman and how?
To give happiness to a woman, you must at least feel happy. This is a truly magical state.
But happiness can be felt in different roles. In communication between parents and children, provided there is a harmonious relationship – too. Here, in addition to the biological connection (“you and I are of the same blood”), the property of motivation, procreation, is triggered.
Despite the fact that children sometimes upset their parents and parents do not always make their children happy. That is why a typical parent, especially a mother, is long-suffering; no matter how a son or daughter acts, they are not abandoned and forgiven.
This is a property of parental love, if we consider love as a manifestation of feelings towards different people or deities.
Although there are tragic cases when parents curse their children.
Practical recommendations
So, if you create a maximally supportive environment for a woman in a timely manner, even episodically, her body will heal itself. Speaking practically - you see an offended, dissatisfied, crying or even orange-dropping woman - help her sincerely.
In some cases (personalities vary) you won’t have to “save” her constantly, you just need to provide timely assistance and give an impetus to restore her psyche.
Because the typical system of female values already contains antidotes to destructive troubles that destroy love of life; you just need to activate them, “turn them on.”
The peculiarities of women's perception of the world differ from men's. Self-care, the instinct of self-preservation, prerogatives corresponding to reasonable values and preservation of assets, stability and development with care for loved ones, participation and empathy, without the desire to waste energy on fighting circumstances beyond control prevail. If we compare with conventionally male values, there will be many differences (a man, among other things, tries to change the external forms of the world).
A supportive environment for women is a caring attitude towards themselves and optimal satisfaction of their needs.
You can remind a woman of this at a “difficult moment” and distract her from emotional experiences by offering sports and physical activity in general, mental relaxation in the form of walks in nature, an interesting story or stories, any way to distract her from experiences will do.
In general, this is how new impressions work. Moreover, the woman will remember the friendly impulse, help and attention. And then - as N.V. Gogol said, "God knows, it's hard to know" - what will come of it.
Women typically value and consider as normal a maxim describing the prospects of a relationship in a couple during misunderstandings or quarrels: “a weak man gets offended (at me) and leaves, but a strong one endures, remains silent and loves me further.”
The maxim is interesting and one-sidedly advantageous, but it exists, so it can be taken as a given, commenting only on the necessary clarification.
Dual pairs (weak, strong) are always subjective in evaluative judgments. Otherwise, the same man would not give happiness to another woman after breaking up with the previous one. Polygamy, characteristic of the male principle, is quite evident.
On the other hand, it is appropriate to tolerate individual female weaknesses, but if the patterns of behavior manifest themselves systematically and cease to satisfy the man, this is different - you also need to tolerate them for the sake of something.
As long as the high feelings and the feeling of the woman's irreplaceability dominate the man, she is tolerated. But it is not desirable to parasitize on this.
One of the “nasty” questions in this topic is how much a man needs all this: to delve into the situation, listen, feel sorry, show timely and non-nominal attention, help, and deal with solving the problems of a specific woman.
A man sees many similar situations almost daily. And he understands that there are reasons for each situation, including extrapolating the situation to himself, admitting that another man was the cause of the offense for a reason.
A man typically does not evaluate the situation as to whether it is "deserved" or not, but allows it. After this, the question "why?" arises regarding help and participation. And he ruins everything. Therefore, they pass "by".
However, these are only isolated, albeit typical examples related to the actions of a man in a “restless” emotional state, under the influence of memory, resentment, because men also “feel”.
And a man in an emotionally harmonious state, balanced and even happy, that is, having forgotten and let go of some of his past grievances long ago, having recovered from previous toxic relationships, will definitely come to the rescue. It is rare when a strong woman is helped. But if a typical man sees a woman (maiden) in trouble, that is, in a conditionally weak position, he never refuses to help and participate; nature itself protests against this.
Expert: Andrey Kashkarov
