Breaking up with a loved one is a painful process.
Yulia Kuznetsova, a psychologist at the online platform Gran.rf, told how to forget your beloved man.
In part, it is similar to the process of loss in general: in addition to sadness, resentment, sorrow and other unpleasant experiences, there is a need to build life in a new way, without the participation of a loved one.
We experience the same hardship when we are separated from any person who has become important to us, be it a friend, mentor, lover, family member, etc.
And the loss or departure of a loved one must be mourned. Grieving is a normal process, a reaction that shows that these relationships played an important role in our lives. That is why their end is so painful.
Normally, the grieving process lasts about 1 year. Therefore, it is unlikely that you will be able to quickly “forget” a person, that is, stop perceiving this relationship as being of current significance.
It is no coincidence that a breakup is also called a rupture. This feeling can really be compared to something being “torn away” from you along with the person.
And here, of course, we are talking about that part of our identity that was embodied in these relationships.
On a more superficial level, this may look like this: for example, in the case of divorce, a woman loses the status of "wife" and all the features of her life associated with this role. You need to learn to act and enjoy a full life from your other social roles.
At a deeper psychological level, a transformation also occurs.
Surely you have noticed that, despite the stability of your character, in relationships with different people you allow yourself to be different.
Every relationship in our lives allows us to express and even create different aspects of our identity. And we grieve the loss of these parts of ourselves, too.
Therefore, during a breakup, the task is not so much to forget your loved one, but to get yourself back, to build your life in a new way.
It is impossible to forget completely, because it is impossible to cancel your experience, the fact that this relationship existed and was important.
But the wound that causes suffering will one day become a scar that no longer hurts and only reminds of what happened.
So how can you help yourself survive a breakup with your beloved man?
Realize that the relationship is over. When we break up, the emotions are so intense that we try to get rid of them by returning to the lost relationship.
We can try to get in touch, initiate a meeting, a conversation, etc. But a relationship is always a space for at least two people, which cannot be controlled alone.
You can't influence another person's decisions or feelings towards you. And postponing your exit from a relationship that's ended can only prolong the suffering.
Focus on yourself. Separation brings with it the need to reconsider your usual way of life. Do not ignore other areas of your life: career, finances, hobbies, friends, etc.
By switching to them, you can slightly reduce the degree of tension caused by separation.
Seek support. Support from others close to you actually has healing power. Isolation makes the experience worse, makes you stuck in it, stays in place.
Think about how you can support yourself. Breakups as situations of change are accompanied by a stress reaction.
Many of us actually already have our own tried and tested ways of coping with stress. Make a list of ways you can help yourself cope with it.
Get yourself back. Analyze the relationship that ended: what important things did the person bring to your life? What kind of person did you become next to him, how do you think he saw you, what did he value in you?
What were you able to bring into your lover's life, how did it affect him? Try to write down the answers to these questions. This is the side of your personality that was realized in this relationship. Assign it to yourself.
Analyze the relationship that ended from a different perspective. What did you learn about yourself, your needs, and your desires while in it?
What kind of relationship would you like to have in the future? And what is definitely not right for you? Use this experience to be more careful in choosing what kind of relationship you want to be in in the future.
