The marriage or affair is over, but in your head you are still continuing it, a familiar state?
Psychologist Olga Petryashina told how relationships affect life: pain in relationships.
If you think about the past only occasionally, and even then with warmth and acceptance, there is no reason to worry. But if you remember painful and happy moments, you conduct an internal dialogue with your partner.
You get offended if your ex doesn't congratulate you on a holiday, or you get upset when you notice his activity without you, on social networks or from stories of mutual friends. This is already an alarm bell, signaling that the relationship is not over.
If you recognize yourself in the second option, read the article. It will be about how relationships that still cause pain affect your life, and how to finally leave them in the past.
Firstly, such relationships affect the general well-being. Pain is resentment towards the former partner, guilt for one's own actions in the relationship or, on the contrary, inaction. Disappointment from unfulfilled hopes and anxiety if we cannot find an adequate reason for the breakup.
These emotions won't go away as long as we twirl thoughts of our ex around in our heads like gum, chewing on the past or fantasizing about an unrealistic future together. Their energy gradually builds up, which can eventually lead to stomach pain, chest pain, headaches, and even illness.
And also to the development of neurosis - an intrapersonal conflict between “I want” and “I can’t” get what I want.
Secondly, while the previous relationship is not over, we unconsciously look at the new partner through the prism of past experience. The mechanisms of psychological defense are activated - transference and projection.
The emotions that we failed to react to in previous relationships are transferred to new ones. It may seem that the current partner wants to hurt or deceive us, just like the other one. Irritability, suspicion and anxiety appear.
The ending may be sad - the new chosen one will leave, unable to withstand such tension.
Thirdly, a scenario process may form. Again, you will unconsciously choose a new partner similar to the one who caused you pain. The similarity may not necessarily be external. One quality that you identified as key in your ex will be enough.
And you will do this in order to prove that you are worthy of his love, or to get what you failed to get in your previous romance or marriage. Parental relationships also play an important role here. It is difficult to understand the script process on your own, but with a psychologist it will be quite easy.
So how do you let go of the pain? You'll have to go through the same stages as with grief over loss.
- Shock from not being ready to comprehend what happened. If you are here, do not keep your emotions to yourself. Talk to a loved one to whom you can confide your grief. Talking about it is an effective way to reduce the intensity of suffering and an opportunity to receive support and understanding from others.
- Anger and resentment towards the partner for the pain caused. At this stage, it is important to release your emotions from the body. You can do this through tears, screaming, active physical actions.
To do this, you don’t need to look for a meeting with your ex; it will be enough to retire and imagine the offender or take his photo and say everything that’s on your mind, without holding back or thinking about propriety.
- Bargaining or searching for options in which the relationship can be restored. If you are here, it is important to honestly admit to yourself that the relationship is over. "What if..." will not happen. You can write out these "ifs" and analyze them factually, soberly and without emotions.
- Depression - a feeling of no way out, indifference to what is happening around, loss of the meaning of life, the future seems joyless. At this stage, it is necessary to build a daily routine so that there is room for resourceful rest, activities that fill energy and bring joy.
Watch your diet. Add physical activity, not necessarily the gym. Even a walk in the fresh air will be a good option. It is important at this stage to find new meanings for yourself that will not be tied to past relationships.
- Acceptance of the situation as it is. The final stage, at which it is important to realize what lesson you have learned in this relationship.
What did they teach you? What are you grateful to your ex-partner for? Here you need to start building your life so that you can independently cope with those household tasks that used to be your partner's.
The pain from past relationships cannot be forgotten, but everyone can let it go by experiencing the emotions.
May your relationships be harmonious and bring you joy. Take care of yourself.
