How to properly say no to a child.
Olga Nesterenko , an expert on psychology for the online publication Belnovosti, told us how not to go too far with strict rules and not to put your child on your neck.
Every parent knows that raising children without the word “no” is impossible. But how can you avoid going overboard with prohibitions and help your child grow up to be a healthy and emotionally balanced person?
First, explain each of your prohibitions. Instead of: “Because I said so,” say: “No, for such and such a reason.”
From nine months, you can explain to a child that pulling hair is not allowed because it hurts, express the corresponding emotions and remove the child’s hand from the hair.
The baby is experimenting, testing the boundaries of what is permitted, and parents are the ones who set them from infancy.
Explain to a child of any age why you can’t do this, giving good reasons and showing how you can/should do it: “You can’t have chocolate now because your stomach hurt, remember?”, “You can’t grab a kitten by the tail because it hurts, you have to pet it like this”, “You can’t run around with scissors because it’s dangerous, look how sharp they are.”
Try not to say a simple “no,” but to give a warning characteristic to the prohibition: hot, high, dangerous, painful, and so on.
To reduce your "no's", remove prohibited items from the child's eye level and do not provoke their childish curiosity with unnecessary things (sweets on the table, sharp and dangerous objects, documents, keys on low shelves).
Another important rule is to be firm in your decision and not to lift the ban. If you give in once, the child will understand that your “no” can be challenged, and will achieve this by any means, for example, tears and hysteria.
Your job is to calmly explain the reason for the refusal and offer an alternative. Be emotionally neutral. Don't raise your tone, otherwise the child will be more scared than understand the reason for the ban, and don't smile, turning "no" into something frivolous.
When a child does not calm down, the best way to distract him is with another interesting object or activity.
Say that you understand how much you want to watch more cartoons, but it’s late and you can turn them on tomorrow: “Let’s pause and continue in the morning at the same place, and now I’ll read you an interesting book, choose which one.”
Keep the promise you make to your children. If you said you'd go to the swings tomorrow because it's too late today, then make sure you go and swing the next day. Don't undermine their trust in you.
Children usually remember very well what they were promised, so do not say what you cannot fulfill. Moreover, remember the promises you made if the prohibition is broken.
If you warn that you will take away the phone for three days if the child spends too much time on the Internet instead of doing homework, then follow through with your promise so that next time he will think about the consequences of breaking the agreement.
Be united in the family in deciding the issue of prohibitions, if dad says "no", then mom should not answer "yes". Otherwise, the child may conclude that one of the parents loves him because he allows everything and, therefore, is good, and the other is bad because he prohibits everything.
And of course, remember that you are the most important example in life for your child. If you do not allow eating cookies on the couch, then be consistent and do not do it yourself. Children will imitate you more often than listen to prohibitions.
Keep in mind that the rules of prohibitions can be adjusted with age. For example, if at age seven a child was allowed to use the phone for one hour, then at age ten the time can be increased to one and a half hours.
A categorical ban can only be if there is a threat to life. In other cases, discuss all the pros and cons with the family, teach the child to negotiate, reason and look for alternatives independently.
This way, the child will feel that you listen to his wishes and preferences, but also understand the boundaries of what is permitted, that everything has its time and place.
