Since childhood, people are taught to control feelings, to restrain emotions. "Unbridled" behavioral reactions are condemned by society. However, keeping feelings and negative emotions in particular to yourself, suppressing negativity, is not at all useful. It is advisable to experience them and let them go. Happiness in personal relationships, sports and creativity help to "let go" of emotions in a relatively safe way; stress can be relieved in different ways. And there is one imperfect, but unfortunately, typical way of responding to the difficulties and challenges of the time - passive aggression.
A safe and dignified response to passive aggression depends on its correct diagnosis and readiness for the situation. Readiness is very important, since the conditional aggressor counts on the effect of surprise. And surprise and uncertainty, unpredictability in people cause anxiety and an even stronger form of emotional reaction - fear. Yes, passive aggression disarms at first. But the essence of passive-aggressive influence can be much deeper - to cause a feeling of guilt, - says psychologist Andrey Kashkarov .
The typical emotion associated with aggression is anger. That is why aggression is often hidden or camouflaged, making it passive in order to achieve its goals.
In social communication, anger, fear and dissatisfaction with the situation find different ways to come out. A typical reason is the fear of receiving a backlash in the form of a refusal to one's initiative or, in some cases, open aggression.
And also one's own fear of leaving the comfort zone, fear of not being able to cope with it and unwillingness to suffer. In addition, passive aggression, strange as it may sound, is an active action, it allows one to assert oneself at the expense of another - by creating conditional control over the situation.
Moreover, every person turns out to be a passive aggressor, just like a manipulator, in different circumstances and at different times.
What is passive aggression?
There are many definitions, but in general passive aggression has common features with manipulation of consciousness, external influence. These definitions are not analogous, they are only ambivalent.
Besides the fact that all people engage in manipulation and passive aggression at different times and in different situations – in one form or another. The initiator of passive aggression can be a loved one, a woman, a colleague, a boss, a relative or a stranger.
Therefore, it is necessary to identify the aggressor not by gender, but by the signs of impact, form and frequency. In the latter case, systematicity or typicality, commitment or "characteristics" of a specific person of certain patterns of behavior, i.e., characteristic personality traits, are thus identified.
Negative emotions happen to everyone. It is from the characteristic features and accumulated experience, mental and physical strength at a specific moment in time, feelings and attitudes to events - formed into a habit of a person - that depends - how and in what form he will present his dissatisfaction.
And the time factor is also important: will it be presented immediately, as recommended in the samurai culture, or in a delayed execution. The first case is typically called "straightforward character", the second "conditionally vengeful".
Of course, this is a simplified interpretation of the concepts; human behavior is influenced by many factors, in addition to the habit of resolving situations in the most favorable (based on experience) way.
For example, if a person "takes a break" before emotionally reacting to emotional irritation, takes the time to think about the situation, the cause-and-effect relationship and the consequences, including their own response, this can hardly be called infantile or vindictive behavior, but rather wise. However, even these assessments can be wrong.
Different forms - different characters
In essence, passive aggression is a message or demonstration of an action in a hidden, implicit form with two conditionally main goals: to free oneself from negative emotions and to convey emotions of discontent, dissatisfaction, anger to another.
These differences in behavior can also be used to divide the goal-setting of a specific person. In the first case, this will be a conditional type with emotional lability, a high level of empathy and even expression, which is just as quickly “activated” into a state of increased excitability as it is “cooled down.”
In the second case, we are talking about a type that deliberately camouflages their emotions (it is very difficult for anyone not to show them, but there is an opportunity to hide, replace or “dampen” them); this is a practical attempt to give free rein to negative emotions not explicitly, but in order to formally show the absence of discontent, anger or irritation.
This method is recommended to be used by everyone who has professional communication with people, including in relevant situations that cause discontent or protest, negative attitude towards the object of the action itself, namely: between a seller and a buyer, between an official and an applicant - a seeker of rights or preferences, between an investigator and a defendant.
Always – when it is impossible or forbidden to show emotions, so as not to provoke or aggravate an unpleasant situation, but at the same time to fulfill your professional duties.
As for personal relationships, hidden passive aggression is also a way to convey a certain message or emotion to a partner in order to motivate them to action or inaction, but at the same time not to destroy trusting relationships and not to upset the partnership.
For example, the answer to a typical and stupid question: "What do you want?" - "You could have figured it out yourself", or the option: "Are you going to continue to react like this?" - "That depends on you". Typical examples of a combination of manipulative practice with an element of passive aggression.
Peculiarities of the situation
Therefore, people with a formed habit of passive aggression in expressing feelings consider themselves not so much “free from emotions”, but able to control themselves, emotionally restrained.
In fact, they only camouflage one emotion with another. And they do not go into open conflict: they express their position indirectly: through ignoring, disobedience, hostility, sabotage, intrigue and other actions.
By hiding negative emotions, a passive aggressor often achieves his goals. On the one hand, in a partner who is more emotional in his manifestations (and unprepared by knowledge of the basics of psychology), such a reaction can really cause a feeling of guilt.
How is it possible: "I yelled, offended, spoke out, and in response there was silence, a change of topic or sarcasm? Well, it turns out. How smart she is, not like me", "yes, I am - as always, how can I make amends?"
This is how a man of the conventionally hysterical type typically thinks in front of a passive-aggressive woman. And that's all she needs - the goals are achieved. Of course, the example given is simplified and illustrative.
On the other hand, a passive aggressor is sometimes capable of misleading even a psychologically prepared partner or colleague.
For example, you are given a specific offer, and you need to give an answer to it. In response, you do not show emotions, suggest waiting, thinking about the situation, or answer evasively - neither "yes" nor "no", that is, reserving the right, without promising, to act according to any option.
Here it may be both your right and passive aggression. How to recognize exactly, separate one from the other? By your motives and goals.
If you don't know what to choose, that's one thing, if you're playing a more subtle game, not wanting to show your true opinion, for example, so as not to offend someone and spoil the relationship - that's another. It would seem that the person "needs to think"; he has no anger, irritation or rage.
Features of diagnostics
Communication, as a rule, cannot be avoided unless the method of total ignoring is used, however, it is necessary to identify the passive aggressor in time in order to preserve freedom of will and action, that is, to have the opportunity in your right to act and live “with your own mind”, and not under the influence of another person and character, even if they influence implicitly.
Learn to observe and analyze. Ordinary fatigue should not be written off either. A person can be exhausted, say, by work and fatigue, and this is a reason not to enter into an open dispute "here and now".
Examples of passive aggression also include hostility in various forms, and even provocations. Sarcasm as veiled insults can also be a form of passive aggression.
Just like slamming the door, the corresponding facial expressions and gestures. If, parting in the morning (when leaving for work), you typically hugged each other, but now you don’t, this is passive aggression. All these are reactions of suppressed resentment, disguised as disdain, feigned indifference or even goodwill.
It is necessary to diagnose correctly and in a timely manner, not because you want to calm your partner or colleague, or give in to them, or even consciously “show weakness” for the common good, but in order to understand the other. If you are shown passive aggression, it is not so bad, there is something worse – indifference.
The Benefits of Passive Aggression
The behavior of a passive aggressor can be considered as a response of the psyche to suppressed anger. And anger helps a person to survive stress.
Hence the benefit of passive aggression - in an attempt to understand the other. Passive aggression in the considered examples of personal relationships means one thing - the desire for more attention from you to the one who shows.
Therefore, with the right approach to the problem and a good behavioral response, you can even improve your relationship with your partner, trying to sincerely understand him, his motives, needs, even his speech camouflaged by gestures, facial expressions and other verbal reactions. A frank conversation will help. You can discuss some nuances, but not in a derogatory manner.
Understanding the other person and correct diagnostics are especially important. It is important to put yourself in the other person's shoes and plan the next steps - yours and the other person's. This requires the maximum possible information about the other person and their experience. In a difficult situation, it is appropriate to not only use accumulated knowledge to build a behavioral strategy, but also to ask for help from colleagues.
Diagnostic errors
A distinctive feature of a passive aggressive person, revealed by long-term observation of reactions and behavior style, is that such a person rarely refuses immediately and directly.
Much more often avoids a direct answer, promises or actions. In a complex of factors, it is possible to determine how typical the “conditionally soft” or conflict-free behavior is; most likely, it is behind it the non-acceptance of the solutions you propose.
And this is already a reason to think about common values and plans. If such a person is dear to you, a frank conversation or series will help - provided there is trust between partners, people. Then you can understand and agree on the future - how and in what form to frankly discuss "difficult" issues together.
Pay attention to the typical or systematic behavior of the person. The passive aggressive person knows how to not only manipulate others, but also how to defend himself emotionally in a timely manner.
To belittle oneself in time, to refer to poor health, "uncontrollable cockroaches looking for a way out of the head", and to complain about the influence of external forces and impacts, up to increased solar activity. All this in a specific person can quite well combine and coexist.
What is important is something else - what does this give you? If you are ready to live and endure, for example, you cannot sell or exchange a close relative for another unknown person, then simple ways to escape the influence of a passive aggressor will help.
The curtains are drawn
You can try to please a passive aggressor for as long as you like. But typically he is still unhappy. It is important not to connect his mood with your reactions. In psychology, there is a concept that is not widely known, simply called "lowered curtains".
On the eyes, on the windows, in general – on a person’s perception of external events and reactions of other people, the method is based on dosing the perception of information. In today’s dynamically changing world – a very useful practice.
It will suit some people, but not others; and there is no single recipe either, because we are all different in experience, character, and habitual reactions.
"Lowered curtains" are used even unconsciously by all those who often have to communicate with different people, who see many unsightly moments in life - police officers, military personnel, firefighters, doctors, including psychoanalysts and psychotherapists, and others. If representatives of such professions took everything to heart - they themselves would no longer exist.
Options for practical protective actions
Be attentive to your own and other people's feelings. Do not ignore emotions, do not suppress them. If you feel an uncomfortable influence of a passive aggressor (sometimes they say "it drives me crazy"), it would not hurt to clarify what exactly you want, what suits you. Formulate it in words.
After all, you also have the right to happiness and personal comfort, which is unthinkable without emotional harmony. Having realized what exactly is not right in communication or a situation, inform your relative or partner about it in a calm and polite manner.
Offer help to your passive aggressor loved one. But not openly, but covertly. For example, go to the gym, sauna or swimming pool together, go to the forest and scream at the top of your voice.
Talk about different interesting methods casually, as if you were talking about another person or want to try it yourself. This way, the passive aggressor will feel interested in his problems and a sincere desire to help.
Some conclusions
Passive aggression can lead to breakdowns, neuroses, unconscious real aggression towards oneself (the same feeling of guilt) or others.
To avoid negative consequences for the psyche and overall health, rely only on your reaction, intuition: if you feel unpleasant, hurt, awkward because of another person’s actions, then it is not enough to call them “toxic” (hanging a less-than-perfect label and criticizing without reason, only relying on your own impressions, will not help anyone), but personal boundaries need to be defined.
The best reaction to unclear (while you are diagnosing) situations is humor. With a passive aggressor, change the conversation to an abstract topic - you can always find one if you want - or remember a funny story. In general, if a person is dear to you and irreplaceable, it is advisable to be interested in him, correctly monitor the dynamics of development, condition, and show attention.
Passive aggression can be a situational manifestation of feelings, or it can be a typical behavioral reaction, a characteristic feature of a particular person, but in any of these cases, it is not a diagnosis or a sentence, but only a habit that can be adjusted for successful communication.
A person can be changed, including for the better, only through attention to him – “affection” (as Professor F.F. Preobrazhensky, “Heart of a Dog”, M.A. Bulgakov said), and not at all through criticism.
Expert: Andrey Kashkarov
