A toxic relationship is defined by the fact that you constantly feel one-sided influence or attempts to do so.
Sometimes both parties are unhappy with the relationship, but it is always uneven - one party is unhappy more.
The situation must first be accurately diagnosed and determined, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
Everyone has their own experience, but there are typical reactions that we will talk about.
Determination of toxicity
All reactions are better seen in communication, preferably in person. But sometimes you can understand even from phrases from instant messenger messages.
So, a woman often needs (preferably an outsider and free) "psychotherapist", a person to whom she can confide and tell about problems, in exchange for "compassion" and positive emotions. That's what the lady calls it.
It would seem, what a problem, because the world is arranged in such a way that a man himself is ready to take care of his lady, protecting her. And I have not met a single one without problems. She calls it beautifully, but the meaning is hidden in the details.
Systematicity
The first marker-determinant is based on the systematic nature of the phenomenon – if requests for participation occur systematically (several times a day over the course of months of communication).
In practice, a lady may even admit that she is “feeding off of you,” without seeing this as critical, but it is important to understand that in order to satisfy her needs for support, a man himself needs to “feed off” somewhere and restore his energy strength.
That is, you must be prepared for the situation. If you want it. But first you need to understand the future prospects of a specific couple. And whether your calculations are successful and long-term or not - only time will tell.
Unilateral participation
The second marker is determined by one-sided participation. When you try to talk not only about her or general plans and impressions, or your personal desires, she becomes "not interested". It would be possible to directly say about excessive narcissism, and this would be true, but in order not to make a mistake, it is necessary to continue diagnosing the phenomenon as a whole.
She does what she wants without looking back.
The next feature smoothly follows from the previous one. You can be a really kind-hearted person, give gifts and provide the lady with leisure, she even consults with you on how to act, but at the same time she acts without taking into account your advice, is unaccountable, and can change her decisions suddenly, unpredictably.
Including decisions made jointly. And he always finds arguments (well, we can do that too) and can even name your behavior as the reason, even if it happened a year ago.
Learns and becomes smarter as if by itself
In such a situation, you and your vision of the situation do not exist - this is an alarming sign. That is, she is learning, increasing her problem-solving competence, but it is as if you have nothing to do with it. Something similar was done by the "sly fox" Schellenberg, not showing his attitude to Stirlitz's ideas, and much later, having worked on them in detail, he passed them off as his own.
One-sided narcissistic reactions that no one likes because the "use" is felt, if not defined. And if you feel something, that's usually how it is.
Requires constant attention
It demands. In this case, you are the generator of energy, and the lady receives it. This is "support". And everything would be fine if you were not used constantly.
Receiving messages seemingly out of the blue (without any prerequisites or they are unknown) - “everything is driving me crazy”, “I’m so tired”, “I was cut off”, “I wasn’t given social financial assistance for my children”, “someone gave me two flat tires at night”, “I slammed the door, the window regulator fell and I’m cold”.
There are an unlimited number of options for constructing phrases, but the meaning is clear: "I'm a damsel in distress, everyone is against me, and why am I like this, will you help?" Imagine that you receive such a set of information not once a day, but every hour.
Then this is exactly what we are talking about. As can be seen even from simple examples, "someone is to blame, but not me." This is the next characteristic marker of the situation. For regardless of whether you will be "a shoulder to cry on for her eternal complaints" or not, the time will come when you will be the one to blame in her eyes.
Danger to you
Falling into the mistake of believing that with your attention and “eternal” support of a lady in any form (both material and emotional) you are saving her (a noble mission, men without experience are very susceptible to this), then you are only making things worse for yourself, but you are not changing her (this, of course, is meaningless for adult natures).
Another of your delusions: "she was unlucky, before me she had blockheads and bastards" (that's how she often characterizes them), but now I'll make her happy. Wake up. A year or two will pass, and you'll still be "doing it" - at your own expense in terms of nerves and investments.
That is, the "vest" will grow to the body, but you could not and will not influence its actions. Many live like this - "henpecked", although the definition suggests a wide range of meanings.
Is it possible that all the qualities and signs of behavioral reactions discussed above coincide in one woman? Yes, unfortunately, there are such examples, and quite a few.
What to do?
First, diagnose correctly to avoid mistakes. As a rule, to diagnose all that has been said, three days are enough for someone, and 8 months are not enough for someone. In the latter case, the situation is complicated by the fact that the man periodically returns to toxic relationships - either at the request of the lady, or on his own initiative. Both are not a solution.
Then clarify her character, repeatedly inviting her to a confidential conversation, in which in an easy, simple and understandable form ask questions with meaning - “why are you like this”, “why do you act this way”, “what are the reasons leading to this”.
Reread her correspondence, analyze. In a trusting relationship, she will answer. And you listen and take note - do you need it.
Be emotionally stable and regulate the distance and time of communication. Promise less - she will definitely use it to try to develop a sense of guilt in you. Unfortunately, such conditional control over the situation can be carried out remotely.
As soon as you are close, falling under the influence is inevitable. Therefore, it is necessary to diagnose and test in advance.
Because you “want to save her” - that’s understandable, but in this case, agreeing with her is not a whim and not an option.
Defeat the Narcissist
It is impossible to defeat or change any established character, just as it is impossible to change the Moon. Don't even try. A narcissist, complicated by unprocessed mental traumas (mostly from childhood and adolescence), will try to dominate.
You can defeat him only with your personal strength (not physical), without submitting completely. That is, the more mentally stable, financially and morally independent you are, and frankly speaking, the better for everyone.
If you have enough practice and knowledge, dose your communication, setting personal boundaries. For example, "I'm busy now," I'll answer later. Yes, you risk that after some time she'll find another "vest." But... what loss is this for you? And there is a plus. "Finally, she stopped dumping her negativity on me."
Relationships cannot be fixed at some point - it is a dynamically changing process. Therefore, your reactions to the same woman in physical appearance can be different at different times. This is normal.
All the signs considered show a bright personality with leading qualities, if you will, a general in a skirt, who secretly and sometimes openly claims the leading role in a couple. Well, what will a typical man say, who has fallen under such power? He will reflect: "Someone has to command us, so let her - if she can do it."
Loyalty and subordination will not help
However, there is a problem. According to the characteristics under consideration, we have not only a "leader", but also a "hardcore egoist, narcissist".
Consequently, numerous practices confirm this - having conditionally subjugated a man, the narcissist switches his attention to others, whose “self” and independence have not yet been explored, that is, she switches to a new and endless search for the “ideal”.
And showing yourself as “weak” and seeking support from a man with significant energy is a female practice as old as the world.
Yes, it is not punishable under the legal acts. But those who possess it not nominally (in appearance), but de facto
men with significant energy potential are either “taken apart” or they quickly and well diagnose women in the established childhood role of “damsel in distress” and do not stay in relationships for long, using such a nature to satisfy needs in the format of “emotional swings” - approaching and moving away.
This is another logical reason (assuming the constant dependent approach to a man) for the repetition of relationship results (breakups), despite connections with men of different appearance, status and character. Ultimately, such a "damsel in distress" deceives herself.
But... you can try to help. After all, we can make mistakes too. Just think about everything said above - before the experiment.
Previously, we talked about how to get out of a toxic relationship .
Expert: Andrey Kashkarov
