The main difference between an abuser and a gaslighter is in the methods they use to influence the victim. It must be said that both of these personality types are extremely dangerous and equally toxic.
They are very conflict-prone, that is, you live with them in a constant state of conflict, only the contradictions are not resolved, but only cyclically become more complex and take root, becoming fertile ground for manipulation and “emotional swings”.
Is it worth saying that there is no balance of power in this conflict? Psychologist Gleb Trufanov believes that there is not, because the one whom the abuser or gaslighter has chosen as their target is always a victim.
But what's the difference? Let's figure it out together with Gleb Trufanov and, of course, a little historical background.
Gaslighting
The term itself is very old - "gaslight" has its origins in the distant forties and the film with Ingrid Bergman, who played the main character.
One of the main occupations of Bergman's on-screen husband was crime, and in order to hide this reality, he replaced it by building a new one. Ultimately, making his wife feel crazy.
The main “psychological” work of the gaslighter is aimed at replacing reality and developing control over the world of the “victim”.
It makes the "victim" doubt, suffer and rush about. They simply begin to doubt themselves and their ability to think adequately and independently, providing the broadest field for manipulation and control. How does a gaslighter do this? Very simply, using such turns of phrase as: "You just imagine it all", "I never said that! You made it all up yourself", "That never happened", "How could you even think of that".
Gaslighting is one of the tools of manipulation in relationships that narcissists and even sociopaths resort to. With phrases and sentences, quietly, briefly, sometimes affectionately, but constantly, they build walls of poison ivy around their victims, which outline the reality in which the "victim" is destined to live.
The gaslighter seeks to:
- To make the “victim” doubt his integrity, independence, autonomy and adequacy.
- Build a reality around the “victim” in which he is the sole and undivided master.
- Make the “victim” emotionally dependent on you.
Gaslighting is a complex combination of many conflicts. First, we see a conflict between the future "victim" and the gaslighter, where the former tries to defend her individuality and independence.
The second conflict is already happening inside the personality - a constant struggle between one's own and those imposed by the gaslighter's opposing attitudes and interests. And the last stage, if the "victim" could not escape from the clutches of the gaslighter - a complete replacement of one's own reality with the imposed one.
Living with a gaslighter is a cyclical, self-perpetuating hell.
Abuse
Abuse - abuse. Yes, in many ways this concept is related to gaslighting. Both are violence. But physical abuse is much more prosaic and is dangerous not only in terms of mental health, but also physical.
Abuse is built through the system of relations "aggressor - victim". The abuser strives to isolate the victim from her social circle and establish absolute control over the life of the "victim".
Yes, young people of both sexes who have serious childhood traumas related to the manifestations of parental roles in the family, a lack of parental warmth and care, and an attitude of “earning” love are most prone to relationships accompanied by gaslighting and abuse.
This also includes the romanticization of the image of the bad boy, who ignores and uses, thereby tying his partner to himself.
Abuse often develops into outbursts of aggression that end in the use of force against the victim.
Beatings, slaps, grabbing hands, sexualized violence, grabbing by the throat - all this is only part of what an abuser can do to achieve his main goal. This goal is power.
Remember, a relationship with an abuser can never be harmonious and partnership-based, built on respect. The abuser's main goal is power over his partner, and he does not know how to stop.
Today he loves you and gives you care, gifts, compliments, and tomorrow he will raise his hand. Mood swings and unexpected outbursts of aggression are the main features of abusers.
How to Avoid Abuse and Gaslighting
- Trust yourself and your experience first and foremost.
- If you see signs that there is abuse or gaslighting in your relationship, acknowledge it and don't try to hide or ignore the facts.
- Talk about your feelings with your partner. Be direct and don’t put off important conversations for later.
- Don't let yourself be blamed, insulted, or doubted.
- Define and respect your boundaries.
- Seek help from a conflict resolution specialist or psychologist.
- Always communicate your expectations to your partner.
- If things are bad, think of an escape plan, study organizations that help victims of abuse.
- Never give up!
- Don't try to change your partner to your own detriment.
