Why You Can't Build Relationships From a "Give" Position

You can build personal relationships from any “position”, especially since in the modern world many people lack meaningful personal relationships, and there is never too much happiness and “good things”.

However, relationships that are based solely on a consumer position and demands on a partner are typically doomed from the very beginning.

Most of all, people do not tolerate it when another person "teaches you how to live." Subconsciously, a person knows, and with experience of communication, becomes convinced, that the other person is not ideal.

And attempts to influence oneself, even after asking for advice, are viewed as a hidden form of getting what the other person wants. This gives rise to several psychological "problems" at once. One of the main ones is the lack of consideration for the interests of the other person and ignorance of his "measure of patience," says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .

It is impossible to know or foresee everything, and there is nothing wrong with “wanting” happiness for yourself, but attracting it only at the expense of your partner is stupid. Quality relationships in a couple are always an exchange: of assets, emotions, actions, and most importantly – the time that partners devote to each other.

There has never been only one-sided "use". Another thing is to observe and maintain a balance of interests, that is, to conditionally control "giving" and "receiving", to strive for a conditional balance.

Why and what for?

When there are imbalances in this field, the partner asks himself questions - "why" and "what for". The first one is tried to get an answer from conversations, communication, in general - to understand.

The second one is asked to oneself with the purpose of understanding whether the existing relationship with a specific person is “not a mistake”. Moreover, almost identical questions in the dual pair “why and for what purpose” are asked by both men and women. The answers are also typical, but the arguments are found in different people and in different situations are not the same.

People also come up with arguments depending on the concept of life that is familiar to their consciousness. And conclusions about the “pain points”, shortcomings of the partner, “weaknesses” that manifest themselves in everyday reactions help to form a position and goal-setting for a relationship in a couple.

Conventionally speaking, if you feel from situations experienced in communication that your partner is weak, lacking initiative, sluggish, childish, will give in, then you take on the role of a leader, a manager, and try to “develop success”, that is, to act by forcing your partner to submit.

This is one of the typical prerequisites for the formation of exactingness, sometimes objectively unfounded, to the formation of the "give" position. It is felt rather intuitively, but there are also grounds for the formation of the position. Another thing is that the partner can display such "relaxed" behavior in order to... not offend and please you, and you misinterpret it; this also happens.

Then, in a specific area, with the help of real successes and self-realization, an increased understanding of your own importance, you assume yourself to be a more authoritative (relative to your partner) subject and consider yourself “better” and “stronger”, that is, you have the right to “demand”. This is the main “human” mistake in personal partnerships.

Because there is no one "better" or "worse", but there are concepts of "adequate" and "inadequate". That is, whether the partner complements the other partner in his harmonious development. These are the concepts that are best manipulated.

As a clear example: one master is a virtuoso pianist, in demand on the international stage, the other (in a pair) is a relatively mediocre theater actor, who does not earn much.

The methods of pressure in such a situation are already emerging and obvious: from the first side - I am better, more capable, I am increasing my level of skill, I have a larger circle of contacts, resources, therefore, more choice, and you... you have nowhere to go, this is “your development ceiling”.

Or, on the same topic: a sportswoman and a housing and utilities mechanic with a beer belly, a professor recognized in the scientific community and a milkmaid. Don't think that such examples are few - housewives marry generals, it happens.

It is true that marriages are stronger when life's difficulties and hardships are overcome together, even from the cadet days.

Of course, the examples are conditional. Long-term meaningful relationships of such couples are possible, but not typical. For the relationship to develop, the characters must be “adjusted”: where one gives in, the other is strong, in another area the other gives in to the first – in actions.

That is, mutual submission, in other words, compromise and patience. The mistake in assessing the situation and the partner is also in the fact that life does not stand still: a sportswoman can get injured or sick, a pianist can break a finger, and an unrecognized theater or variety actor can become president.

And then the other one, who previously demanded, begins to reassess both his position and his role, but the effectiveness of further interaction between the partners will already depend on the specific characters of the people and their readiness to continue communicating in a pair.

For success, in whatever field, characterized by new and wide possibilities of choice, including partners and reactions, is always a test for a person.

There can, of course, be many examples, and everyone has their own.

Why the incorrect assessment of the situation and the partner's reaction occurs is also an open secret: due to inattention to the characteristic features, inattention to the details of the behavior and desires of the other.

It is clear that it is easier and more familiar to think about what I want than about what someone else wants. In the first case, everything is clear, even without thinking, it is clear why you want exactly this.

In the second case, even if you think about it (which is typically not often), it is difficult to understand and, most importantly, to accept this explanation, since it does not fully correspond to your view of the situation, which is justified for you subjectively by what you want and need. In other words, it seems that you know “how it should be” and there is no other way.

While there is another way, and not just one. Your partner is an example-confirmation of what has been said, as he has his own vision of solving issues and knowledge of how it should be. Here "the root" of misunderstanding between two seemingly worthy, intelligent and "normal" people is hidden.

Moreover, both partners with their vision are conditionally mistaken, because there are no prophets in the development of situations. As a rule, with a certain and habitual style of behavior and goal-setting, it is possible to achieve good results in one area and have "failures" in others. This is like compensation for lack of thought.

Not only humans, but also every living creature at all times has a conditionally normal nature. Thus, bears, which are strong on the ground, cannot swim, and crocodiles cannot fly.

It's better to combine

Situations sometimes develop critically because almost every person, regardless of gender, but with experience in overcoming various life collisions, quickly determines that he is being used. And avoids this, the relationship cools down - temporarily or radically.

At first, as a rule, for a while, since there is a desire to understand whether there is an error in the "diagnosis" and determination of the partner's goals. In addition, at the initial stage of the relationship, partners who do not know each other deeply still have a lot of hope for the development of the relationship, so minor mistakes are forgiven, and grievances do not last long.

Quarrels happen to everyone, especially at the stage of getting used to the partner's character, adaptation to life together, but after explanations, a harmonious period of relations begins. How long it will be depends on the specific people.

Secondly, “getting what you want” is helped by manipulating the template attitudes “you’re a man,” “shame on you,” and so on, aimed at actualizing the partner’s sense of guilt.

Manipulations partly fit the definition of passive aggression, are not uncommon, and the reactions of specific individuals are associated with the experience of overcoming similar situations.

At first, unexpected manipulation can lead to a zone of psychological discomfort. The first response emotions, which are associated with incomprehensible states, passive aggression from others or one's own fear, are rejection and, as an accompanying reaction, anger. That is why when forming demands or implementing the "give" position, one must not "overdo it".

Despite the fact that manipulations literally permeate the lives of all people who communicate with each other, there is still a difference in the forms and frequency of manifestation of manipulations. They are also quickly revealed by people with experience and attentive to details, therefore, without additional interesting stimuli for the partner, they are hopeless. That is, you still need to think about your partner at least sometimes.

But everything can change in the roles of partners, and often does... In addition, feelings, needs, attention, and the desire to give emotions to another are important. In a sense, magic.

This is why the same person, regardless of gender, can feel uncomfortable with one partner and fly with happiness with another, even when little time passes between changes of partners.

An interesting maxim was expressed by Baron Fyodor Petrovich von Klugenau, ensign, fortification engineer of the Bayazet fortress (according to the novel of the same name by V. S. Pikul): “Just don’t be a fool, Karabanov: you can pay off your debts, your hangover will pass, you can break in a horse, and you can awaken passion in a woman.”

The question is always like this: why? The answer to it may be different, but only it predetermines the behavioral reactions of specific individuals.

How to help yourself

You really need to help yourself (not so much the other person), but in a certain sense. Help to understand that the other person is not your slave, has personal preferences, boundaries, is promising in some ways, not in others – has advantages and disadvantages.

That is, he doesn't have to do anything by and large. It's his free will to act this way or that way. Focus on your reaction: if it became unpleasant, painful, awkward because of your partner's actions, then the boundaries need to be set.

Although the topic of personal boundaries is so inflated today that many rush to defend them with or without reason. It is better to remain adequate in reactions and not look for insults where there are none.

Having sorted out personal relationships with the fact that you are not owed anything (therefore, demands on another are only relatively appropriate), and you yourself are neither an ordinary person nor the ultimate truth, that is, having “turned on” critical thinking, let’s think about how to feel in harmony if there are many around who are “offended” by demands or boundaries?

For some men, even the demands are excessive, they themselves want to act straight away, which is one of the explanations for the voluntary courtship of the desired woman. The pure appearance of a woman can arouse the desire to sacrifice for her.

But what is “pure” in our turbulent times? Those who have preserved it are honored and glorified. In addition, it is important not to fall from the pedestal, and not everyone succeeds in this over time. Because we are only human. In personal relationships, as in love, one should never demand.

"A boy throws coins into a piggy bank and listens to them jingle. Someday he will take out some pitiful rubles. But I want to throw at a woman's feet not pennies - reason, passion, courage, patience, hope and, finally, myself.

"Could these feelings really thunder in her heart, Karabanov, like pennies in a piggy bank?" - wrote V. S. Pikul. How to treat these words - a guide to action or naive maxims - an anachronism of the era - everyone decides for himself.

If you talk about what is important to you, but do not attack, do not blame the other, do not demand without giving, then there is no reason for the relationship to deteriorate. Of course, people can get angry when they do not get what they want.

But everyone has the right to be upset and expect that you will be the convenient and irreplaceable partner - and you have the right to be yourself and not forget your legitimate needs. Everyone will end up with their own, because everyone is different, but it is still possible to interact with some people.