Many people ask this question, but let's first clarify two important points.
Psychologist Alexandra Pozdnyakova told how to maintain an ideal relationship for many years.
First: you can save inanimate objects
For example, dry a bouquet of roses given on a special occasion, or freeze berries for the winter. When it comes to living people, it is important to remember that they are constantly changing. It is impossible to simply take and "preserve" someone's age, character, appearance, and, especially, relationships, leaving them unchanged.
In psychology, there is a concept of "stages of family development". At each stage, the couple faces its own tasks, which cannot always be solved in the same way.
For example, the distribution of household responsibilities in a couple without children and in a family where a child appears occurs completely differently.
Just as the frequency and quality of sexual intimacy at 25 differs from what happens between people at 50. And also the period of infancy of children, women's cycles, illnesses and stress - all this also makes its own adjustments to intimate life.
That is, it is impossible to maintain a relationship in any one, ideal version for many years.
But it is possible to grow together, change, find new ways to solve life's problems, support each other and love. And love itself, over time, with the trials we go through together, becomes more mature, loses its "husk" and helps a man and a woman appreciate each other more and more.
Second: ideal relationship
Usually, this concept means that the couple never quarrels: neither the woman nor the man have negative feelings towards each other and confess their love 24/7 with Pushkin’s lines.
Do you believe in such perfection? I don't.
In life, you and I experience a whole palette of feelings. Not always pleasant. This is normal.
The question is how to express these feelings. You can rant and rave, insult each other, break dishes, not to mention physical violence. Or you can use words and formulations that describe your feelings without insulting your partner.
For example, “I feel really bad when you stay late and don’t tell me” or “I feel unattractive to you if you admire other men (women) and don’t tell me anything about how I look.”
Any complaint or accusation from a partner causes a defensive reaction. He feels an attack that he needs to fight off. A scandal erupts, and at that moment two loving people turn into opponents.
But if you are honest about your feelings, it invites your partner to discuss the situation and sort it out.
It is important to understand that conflicts (clashes of interests) will always exist. This is a natural stage of any development. Instead of pretending that everything is fine, avoiding and not noticing problems, sit down at the negotiating table and discuss what will be needed to solve the problem, how you should act in the changed conditions. Then the conflict will become a growth point for your couple, an event, after which you will be able to strengthen the emotional connection, appreciate and respect each other even more.
Therefore, I suggest that you do not try to maintain “perfect relationships”, but build a strong long-term partnership.
There are 4 points of support for such a partnership. I wrote about them in great detail in my book “Happy Relationships from Scratch and in the Long Run”.
In short, it is:
- friendship;
- confidential communication;
- respect;
- quality intimacy.
Friendship
It's about accepting yourself and your partner as you are. It's a feeling that "we are a team." It's a position that even if your partner makes a mistake, you will be on his side.
Trusting communication
These are the very same communication skills where you refuse to judge, accuse, insult, order and ultimatum. Use a description of your own feelings and states, listen and hear your partner. The goal of communication is not your own victory at the expense of your partner's loss, but that both you and he feel good.
Respect
If you respect yourself, you just need to respect your loved one. Respect automatically excludes judgment, attempts to impose your will, "teach how to do it right." It helps to realize the value of the partner and his contribution to the relationship.
Quality intimacy
The foundation of a relationship that cannot be built without the three components listed above. Respect helps to accept the partner's desires, gives the right to refuse without taking it personally. Warm communication helps to share sexual fantasies, without fear of condemnation and that the partner will consider me spoiled. Well, friendship maintains emotional closeness and trust in each other.
A long-term, strong union becomes possible when you stop trying to maintain an “ideal relationship” and instead build a sincere, real connection in which love grows and matures.
