When considering the issue, several options can be identified:
Psychologist Marina Rakitskaya told what prevents you from starting a family: reasons.
- The woman is lonely and cannot meet a man.
- The woman is in a relationship, but she is not asked to marry.
- The woman is married, but this is an abusive, destructive relationship, far from an ideal family (the so-called “loneliness together”).
All three points are related to the absence of close, positively colored emotional connections between people.
If you look at the inability to create a family from this point of view, the reason is the inability to maintain a balance of Taking and Giving in relationships, the inability to be in a relationship.
Option 1 – Classic loneliness – I am LONELY
Reasons for loneliness (what prevents you from starting a family):
1. Fear – once it protected, for example, helped to get out of a destructive relationship, but now it interferes. Fear of repetition (what if I get offended again).
Fear of betrayal (it was too painful, it's better to be alone, I can't trust people). Fear of making a mistake (I don't understand people at all, I can't trust myself). Fear of losing freedom (now I want to eat halva, I want to eat gingerbread)
2. Repeating the experience of the parental family - first of all, this is the topic of loyalty to parents. Grandma is not married, mom is not married, why should I be married? "We didn't live richly - no point in starting."
No experience of having a man in the house, no experience of accepting care from a man.
3. Unfinished relationships. Although they say "fight fire with fire", in practice this is a very "not very" option. It is fraught with constant comparisons, doubts, projective reactions (when the new partner is not guilty of anything, but is judged by the previous one)
4. Low self-esteem (I'm not enough...) - often manifests itself as a result of deception, betrayal, treachery. "He's so mean, and I'm so unhappy, and such a fool." "He's so cool, and I'm not slim enough, too skinny, I only have one higher education - I'm a dropout, I have many higher educations - I'm a crammer."
5. Inflated self-esteem (I am taller) - a man should, but I should not. At the same time, a woman cannot clearly answer the question - why are you like this for a man in a relationship?
That is, the woman has no idea that relationships are not about servility. The desire for an invented ideal, and if the partner is not ideal - immediately ignore him.
6. I don’t know what I want. I don’t want anything. It’s too late for me.
Fatigue, the woman has lived for others for a long time, imbalance has become a habitual form of life, the status of I-Woman has changed to I-Mother.
2 and 3 options – LONELINESS TOGETHER – I’m in a relationship, but…
1. Refusal to build relationships on a new level. Quarrels, scandals, claims are the result of the inability to express one's desire, to identify one's need, as well as the unwillingness to hear the partner's version.
Relationships come to naught, reinforced by the motives of “living together for the sake of the children,” “others don’t have a man at all,” “he’s bad, but he’s one of us,” “at least there’s a man in the house,” “what if I end up completely alone.”
2. Destructive reasons for creating a relationship (not “I want to be with this man” – but “to leave my mother”, not to be a mother, but to stop being childless, because all my friends have already given birth), I am starved for sex, for emotions.
Inability to enjoy oneself, one's solitude. Self-affirmation (now I'm married to an officer). I'll prove that I can.
3. “Well, at least I’m married (I don’t live alone).” When a woman maintains “at least some” relationship, it’s because she’s afraid to be alone with herself, and also:
- It's not interesting to live, you need to be entertained
- I'm bored myself, I need to take care of someone
- It's scary, I need someone to take care of me
- what will people say
- when there is no fish, even a husband is an asshole
- the guy is actually not bad...
4. Another option for maintaining a civil marriage or the illusion of a family is unpreparedness for real changes for the better (as well as doubts about whether things will get worse).
Lack of flexibility, unwillingness to adapt not only and not so much to a person, but to various situations and circumstances.
5. Complete submission to the partner, living only by his interests, losing yourself - and then, as an inevitable consequence, blaming the man for all your failures, for everything that does not work out in your life. Inability to negotiate, respect other people's boundaries and set your own
6. Unrevealed femininity and sexuality. Not knowing how to be a woman, communicate, flirt, doesn't smell like a woman, a guy for everyone, communication is not gender-based, but status-based (boss, colleague, friend, etc.)
Energy is not disclosed and not used. Refusal of help. Refusal of self-care (I am for naturalness, so I do not use perfumes, deodorants and cosmetics). Refusal to communicate with men in general.
In reality, we are never truly alone. We are always in a relationship with someone. We are always communicating with someone. But when the existing relationship suits us, we forget about it, falling into the illusion of "last chance".
It is important to remember that any relationship is a process, not a result. And remember that having or not having a relationship is everyone's choice!
