Cheating is an extremely unpleasant thing, a betrayal in a relationship, in fact.
Psychologist Natalia Stukova explained why men and women cheat.
This situation can be painful and offensive for both men and women, but the pain is caused by different reasons.
However, there are a couple of important nuances that need to be discussed before getting married. For example, what is considered cheating?
Correspondence with a man/woman on social networks? If so, to what degree of frankness? Flirting with another? Falling in love with another? Physical cheating? Casual or permanent?
What will be the consequences of betrayal? What will be the sanctions for it? Etc.
It is generally accepted that for a man whose wife has cheated on him, the most painful thing is to realize the fact of physical betrayal, because he begins to doubt his paternity, because it is only possible to understand that their children are definitely his by DNA testing. Fortunately, it is now simple and accessible, especially in large cities.
As for a woman, the most painful thing for her is to realize that someone else was preferred to her, which means that someone turned out to be better than her.
And this has the most destructive effect on women’s self-esteem, because, as a rule, in order to enter into intimate relations, it is important for a woman, if not to love, then at least to feel serious sympathy for a man.
And in the situation with cheating, she judges by herself - if I couldn’t have sex with another man if I hadn’t fallen in love, then he fell in love with another!
Forgetting that most men very clearly separate sex and love - often they do not see anything reprehensible in “just sex” on the side, because “a wife is bread, and sometimes you want buns,” as they say.
Regarding the reasons for cheating: some of them are the same, some are different for men and women. And society, in general, is more relaxed about male cheating than female cheating. Even many women live in the belief that absolutely all men cheat, some just do it smartly and quietly, and some do not.
So, the reasons for male infidelity, TOP-9.
A man often values the intensity of passions, he is not going to change anything, just “tickle his nerves and unwind.”
- Unmet needs in marriage. And we are not even talking about sexual needs, although, of course, different sexual temperaments can cause problems in the intimate sphere.
But, rather, it is about the fact that some important needs for a man - psychological closeness, acceptance, support, receiving significance from his wife are not satisfied. And it is for this that the husband goes "to the side". - Low moral standards, upbringing and bad example from older relatives, their silent approval, and sometimes even encouragement of such behavior. In other words, a man was brought up in such a way that cheating on his wife is a norm of life, moreover, if you don’t cheat, you’re not a man. (Men say – just a dog.)
This also includes cases of betrayal by very creative people, for whom falling in love is a source of inspiration.
Once upon a time, I was deeply moved by the story of the outstanding Soviet physicist Lev Landau and his wife Kora.
On the eve of the wedding, he proposed that she accept a “Pact of Non-Aggression in Marital Life,” which was a kind of continuation of his “theory of happiness” - “Marriage has nothing to do with love, and jealousy is the most disgusting feeling.
Loving people should rejoice in each other's successes on the intimate front or at least conclude a non-aggression pact."
Landau did not object to his wife having lovers, and even encouraged her to do so, and he himself regularly shared with her the details of his adventures and demanded that she prepare food, clean linen for his intimate pleasures with his mistresses, and leave the house during their dates.
Over time, Cora was forced to accept this theory and this way of life, because she loved her husband madly and could not imagine life without him. But this situation made her deeply unhappy.
- Situational cheating – it’s just the way things are. “Everyone else went – and I went too”, “It just happened”, “She did it herself”, “I couldn’t refuse a woman”, etc. This is about what I was talking about above – men separate sex and love and, loving one, can sleep with another without feeling any particular pangs of conscience.
- The desire to make all women happy is, oddly enough, too kind a heart in a man who easily succumbs to manipulation by members of the fair sex, who press on pity, on the desire to protect, and flaunt their “defenselessness” (often imaginary).
- The desire for novelty - routine for a woman in marriage is the basis of stability and peace, but a man in such conditions begins to get bored and look to the side in search of adventure.
- Challenge – often a wife, without even realizing it, challenges her gambling husband, letting him know that he is not worth the little finger of one of her friends or acquaintances. In this case, it is highly likely that the man will go to prove, first of all, to himself that he is awesome and that anyone would be happy with such a wonderful man.
- Impunity – very often a woman is so afraid of losing a man that she forgives him absolutely everything, any behavior towards herself, humiliation, violence and betrayal. In such cases, the husband may completely stop taking her opinion into account and start cheating openly.
- Low self-esteem, desire for self-affirmation.
- New love.
Why do women cheat?
First of all, you need to understand that a woman's infidelity requires a good reason; she is deeply unhappy with something in her marriage. A woman's infidelity is a signal that she is ready to change the situation. Most often, it is not about "tickle her nerves and unwind".
- New love – it happens that a relationship exhausts itself and a woman wants to build a new one. However, she does not always fully understand this and is ready to destroy the union consciously. In this case, she is covered by “accidental” love, on the wave of which the lady is capable of destroying everything that she has been building for years.
- Revenge – if a woman finds out that a man is cheating on her, or suspects him of it.
- Lack of emotional closeness with husband. Quite often men think that “I confessed my love to you once, if something changes, I will inform you”, and they do not express their feelings towards the woman, nor gratitude to her, do not talk about love, give only routine gifts - in general, they show emotional stinginess.
It is precisely in order to feel loved, desired, and to see admiration in men’s eyes that a woman goes in search of adventure.
Reasons 4 and 5 are similar to those for men, but are more common in young women.
- Dissatisfaction in sex. According to American researchers, in the age group of women from 18 to 29 years old, this reason became the main one, and the ladies even outdid men in the number of betrayals at these ages. Later, women calm down, because children appear and responsibility for them appears, and men make up for lost time until old age.
- Desire for novelty.
It is possible to make people faithful to each other. This requires:
- Look carefully at who you are creating a family with - what is the relationship between the parents of the future spouse, how does he/she relate to the opposite sex in general, what values does he/she share, what is important to him/her in life.
- Show love, care, support, give significance.
- To protect, to defend. This is especially important for a man, because the only thing a woman can never forgive is that a man did not protect her. True, the concept of "did not protect" is very broad - from not letting her do something stupid to giving his life for her and the children.
- Feel your partner, show genuine interest in him/her, strive to please and surprise, have heart-to-heart talks, maintain spiritual and emotional closeness.
- Have both common and separate interests and hobbies, and respect them.
- Do not criticize or find fault.
- Discuss all problems, including everyday life, money, sex and others, without offense and irritation.
