"All happy families are alike, every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way," said the classic.
Psychologist Olga Batueva told how to return love.
The same goes for love. Every couple has their own twists and turns in life when love goes away. The reasons for losing love are different. The list can be endless, but there are still some general trends that are worth paying attention to.
1. Should
Everyone enters into a union with a partner with a certain list of "how it should be in a family." The list lives in the unconscious. It is formed from the experience of life in the parental family.
Rules from family tree, cultural characteristics, books read, films watched, communication with girlfriends, friends and current trends are added to it.
Lists of who owes what to whom do not appear immediately, they wait for their time. Usually they make themselves known when the "rose-colored" glasses fall off, there is less passion, more routine. Eyepieces appear that begin to highlight the partner's flaws. This is where the obligation kicks in.
"You must do this." "I don't have to do anything, you have to." The period of conflicts begins. It's time to make up the rules of your family's life from two different lists.
Of course, no one sits down and makes such lists on paper. New rules of cohabitation are gradually formed through various conversations or "clarification of relations."
What helps to return love during this period: physical attraction (still remains), interest in the partner as a person, fear of separation, desire to come to an agreement and stop focusing on “this is how it was with my parents, friends, everyone says that it should be this way, etc.” It is important to talk to each other.
2. Merger
At the beginning of a relationship, two personalities merge. This is inevitable. People in love want to be together every second, touch each other, spend almost all their time together.
At some point, one of the partners feels stuffy and cramped in such closeness: “he/she is suffocating me with his/her love.” The boundaries of personality are erased: “It’s as if I don’t exist, I live his/her life.”
What helps to return love during this period: to distance yourself a little from each other and start to return your own interests. This can be painful for one of the partners. It will seem to him/her that "he/she doesn't love me anymore."
Jealousy, a desire to control, monitor and keep the partner close may arise. But it is necessary to give each other space to do their own thing. It is important to talk to each other.
3. The desire to remake another
It is impossible to change another. When one of the partners says: "I want him/her to change" - it means that in the head there is an idea of "what an ideal husband or ideal wife should be like". The desires, characteristics, needs of a real person are not taken into account.
What helps to return love: learn to talk about yourself: your needs and desires. Invite your partner to talk about themselves. You will discover a lot of interesting things about your partner. It is important to talk to each other.
4. Getting stuck in the mom/dad role
With the birth of children, parental roles come to the fore. This is normal. But many forget that it was the love of a man and a woman that helped a new person to be born. All the passion flows into the child, and the partner becomes secondary. Lots of "you should/should" claims. You won't get far with claims.
What to do to return love: arrange your life so that you can be together from time to time, sex is an important part of the life of partners. Remember that men love with their eyes, and women with their ears. This is how nature has arranged us.
5. Once you get used to it, you'll fall in love.
If there is a lot of compromise in a couple, not acceptance. A lot of suppressed grievances and concessions, despite yourself. Then you will not be able to endure and will not fall in love. Our suppressed emotions will always find a way out. Scandals, betrayals, illnesses, silence, distance from each other.
What to do to bring love back: talk, talk and talk to each other again. There are no other ways except talking.
If you don't tell your partner something, they will never guess what you need, what you want, and what is important to you. No one has a ticker tape on their forehead so the other person can read what you want.
Love is a living process. It changes with us and it has three names:
- Love - Passion
- Love - Friendship
- Love - Respect
In order for passion to turn into respect, then into friendship and love to always be between you, it is very important to understand each other, to take into account each other’s interests and needs, to be curious about the other, to tell the other about yourself and to invite him to tell about himself.
If you feel like love is gone, look at this list and determine at what turn you lost love.
Go back to that place in your mind and analyze what you missed. Unfortunately, it is not always possible to return what you have lost. It requires mutual desire.
Then it's better to break up. The good news is that in a new relationship you can take into account the experience of the previous one. But first try to return the love by telling the person who is still dear to you about it.
