Jealousy is a complex of emotions that arise in response to the feeling of a threat of losing an object that is important to a person (a person, a thing, status, etc.) in favor of another.
Psychologist, psychotherapist, and coach Yulia Vatutina tells us how to cope with jealousy.
Scientific research on jealousy shows that this emotion is natural and can have both positive and negative consequences for relationships.
To effectively combat excessive jealousy, it is necessary to determine its causes. Jealousy can be caused by different reasons, depending on the individual character of the jealous person and the behavior of his partner.
However, there are several common reasons that can cause jealousy.
- Low self-esteem. A person with low self-esteem may constantly doubt whether he or she is worthy of love and attention.
Doubts lead to mistrust, a jealous person sees others exclusively as their competitors and evaluates them better than themselves. This is where jealousy, prohibitions, etc. arise. - An anxious or anxious-avoidant attachment type. If a person has such attachment types due to their traumatic experience of parent-child relationships, then every time the object of love simply leaves the visible area, the person will feel abandoned.
Such love will require constant confirmation and will be full of jealousy and mistrust. - Past traumas. Jealousy towards partners can be caused by traumatic experiences in past romantic relationships. A person who has experienced betrayal, infidelity, etc., can consciously or subconsciously set themselves the attitude of not trusting anyone.
- Lack of trust. Trust is one of the main components of a healthy relationship. If there is none or too little of it, then difficulties may arise, including unfounded jealousy.
- Misunderstanding of the situation. Sometimes jealousy can arise from misinterpretation of the partner's actions, the inability of one partner to express their feelings, or the suspiciousness of the other.
To find the reasons for your jealousy, you need to carefully analyze your emotions and behavior.
For this, there are several marker questions, on which the method of further combating jealousy will depend.
- What exactly makes me jealous?
- How often do I feel jealous?
- How do I respond to my feelings of jealousy?
- Are my fears real or imaginary?
- Are there any past traumas or experiences that may be influencing my jealousy?
- What needs of mine are being met and not being met in this relationship?
Then you can discuss the answers to these questions with your friend or just a loved one.
Here, advice or support are not so important, since by talking about one’s problems out loud, it is easier for a person to understand them himself and see the whole picture.
Is it possible to help yourself not to be jealous?
After this, you can move on to the second step - communication with your partner.
If jealousy goes beyond reasonable limits and mistrust becomes the cause of conflicts and other problems in relationships, it is worth directly telling your partner about this, talking about feelings, mistrust and acknowledging the problem of jealousy.
The main thing is not to use accusatory intonations in this conversation, not to express claims and not to demand anything. This will only close the partner, he will not continue a confidential conversation, and discussing the problem of jealousy will not lead to its elimination.
Perhaps in this conversation it will be discovered that the cause of jealousy is a misunderstanding and misinterpretation of the partner's behavior.
Then it is important to work on your thinking. Instead of focusing on your partner's behavior with other people, his friends and acquaintances, it is worth paying attention to your own feelings and thoughts. Perhaps the cause of jealousy will be personal anxiety and negative thinking.
By getting rid of your personal psychological problems, you will have a better chance of overcoming jealousy. Even such a deep thing as the type of attachment is subject to correction in psychotherapy.
Since one of the most common reasons for jealousy is constantly comparing yourself to other people, you need to stop doing this and focus on your positive qualities and skills. Cognitive behavioral therapy exercises are very helpful in this regard.
What other tools to use
In parallel with internal work and communication with a partner, it is important not to forget about distraction from everyday and other life problems. To do this, you need to spend more time alone with yourself, focus on your hobbies, and develop professional skills.
This will also help to distract from excessive control of your partner. At the very least, it will help to improve your own self-esteem and feel more confident, which will have a positive effect on stopping jealous impulses.
It's also worth learning meditation and other relaxation methods and techniques. This will help reduce your overall stress levels, focus on your "I", and not pay attention to minor jealousy triggers.
If these steps do not help to overcome jealousy, then it is necessary to seek help from a psychologist. Professional help is needed when jealousy becomes excessive.
So, it is worth going to a specialist if jealousy interferes with normal life, work and puts you on the verge of breaking up with your partner. The psychologist's task will not be to completely get rid of jealous manifestations, but to teach you how to manage jealousy.
To do this, a psychologist will identify the real reasons for jealousy and help you understand your feelings.
