The official marriage age in Russia is 18. More and more often, people of a more mature age decide to tie the knot.
Psychologist Asya Suvorova told us what childhood traumas interfere with marital relationships.
But, as research by psychologists has shown, very often one or both spouses experience childhood trauma when entering into marriage.
These are the painful events and experiences that are “recorded” in the subconscious. Often, they cannot be accessed without the help of a specialist. Traumas have a serious impact on the state of the marriage and the life of the spouses.
Violence
This is perhaps the most difficult legacy of childhood, the most traumatic.
There are some disappointing statistics: a child from a family where he was subjected to physical and psychological violence, growing up, often enters into relationships where the partner is also prone to violence.
And often shows it. This can be beatings, humiliation, sexual violence. Or psychological pressure, impact on the self-esteem of the spouse, on his manifestations of free will. A tough, domineering spouse can deprive his wife not only of money, but also of the opportunity to earn it herself, he punishes her and their children for the "guilt" that she must "realize".
In the process of working with a psychologist or psychotherapist, it turns out that the woman's father behaved in the same way. And sometimes her mother.
However, this also happens to men. A woman with despotic tendencies is capable of gradually taking control of all areas of her husband's life, forcing him to act only as she pleases, depriving him of will and initiative. This is also a form of violence.
Dependency and codependency
If one or both parents in the parental family suffered from alcohol or drug addiction (this also includes gambling addiction), in adulthood their son or daughter very often chooses a partner with the same problems.
Sometimes a woman has a choice: a man with a good job, caring and serious, or a drinker. She chooses the second option. Moreover, quite often the bad habit intensifies in marriage. After all, there is always a reason that pushes a man to throw himself "into the arms of Bacchus." It is as if he justifies the unspoken expectations of his wife.
Moreover, spouses of alcoholics and drug addicts (both women and men) very often complain about their hard life, grievances, lack of money, quarrels, but at the same time they are in no hurry to solve their problems. It is as if something is holding them back. They may say: "But we have children." Or: "So many years of marriage, how can I be alone?" But in fact, they are held together by codependency. In other words, dependence on someone else's dependence. It is strange, but spouses of such people find benefits for themselves in staying in marriage. For example, the image of a hero or heroine who "sacrificed everything for the sake of the family." There can be many such benefits.
Attention deficit
Children whose parents failed to give them enough unconditional attention (just 15 minutes a day of complete and unconditional attention to a person) may experience attention deficit disorder.
And in relationships, and then in marriage, such a person almost always suffers. At the beginning of a relationship, people strive to spend a lot of time together. And then work, everyday life, children, and communication outside the family come into play.
The attention deficit carrier is constantly offended when someone chooses to spend time with someone other than him or her. He or she is “jealous” even of work. They need proof that they are needed, important, and loved.
But the parents of such people simply did not know how to satisfy this need in their child, torn between raising another child, the need to earn money and arranging their daily life.
Other "greetings" from childhood
It is not limited to such traumas. Children who have experienced traumatic experiences and have not worked through them in some ecological way, as adults, seem to deliberately attract repetitions of these experiences.
Even living in a poor family, where they were constantly worried about money and refused all the child's requests and desires, leads to the fact that in marriage he or she can be deprived of material benefits. Let's say the husband does not give gifts to his wife, although he could do so.
Why?
The reasons also lie in childhood. The son gave gifts to his mother, collecting money or making something with his own hands, and she laughed or scolded him for wasting money or time. Devalued the gift. The man continues to subconsciously fear giving gifts, so as not to be ridiculed.
And the woman?
If she didn't receive gifts as a child, she also develops the belief that she is "unworthy."
This also applies to the distribution of responsibilities in the family, where one takes on too much, and the other rests more often, because he was not involved in common affairs, and was sometimes even forbidden to “get underfoot.”
How to free yourself from a traumatic experience?
Here, of course, at least at the initial stage, you cannot do without the help of a specialist. It is great if the couple is ready to start working with a psychologist, but in this case it is better to start with individual therapy, at least in a small volume. Find your "skeletons in the closet", free yourself from them, tell yourself: "I am an adult, I have a choice!"
This will definitely be the beginning of a new, happy life.
