Children's tears drive parents crazy. You want to stop them at any cost - by persuasion, gifts, threats.
But there is one word that seems harmless, but in fact cripples the psyche. Even experienced psychologists use it, without suspecting the harm it causes.
Remember once and for all: never tell a crying child “Calm down!”
Why is this word dangerous? When a child cries, his nervous system is overloaded. He cannot "pull himself together" on command, like an adult.
The phrase "Calm down!" sounds to him like: "Your feelings are wrong. You should hide them." This makes him feel ashamed of his emotions and suppress them.
Over time, such a child turns into an adult who does not know how to experience grief, get angry, or rejoice “to the fullest.”
He either explodes over little things, or walks around with a mask of "everything is fine" until he breaks.
What to do instead? The first step is to allow the tears to come. Say, “I see how hard this is for you. I’m here for you.” Hug or hold your hand if the child doesn’t push you away. Stay silently until the crying subsides.
The second step is to help him name the emotion: “Are you angry because I didn’t buy you chocolate?” or “Are you upset that your friends didn’t take you to the game?” This way, you will teach him to understand his feelings, and not be afraid of them.
The third step is to offer a solution when it is ready. Ask, “Would you like us to come up with a better way to do this?” or “Let’s take a breather and then discuss it.”
It’s not magic, but after 10–15 such situations, you will notice that the tantrums have become shorter, and the child has begun to say what upset him.
He will understand: emotions are not enemies, but signals that help you live. And then the word "calm down" will disappear from your lexicon forever.
