Every parent wants to be a friend and helper for their child who has reached adolescence, to protect them from the troubles associated with the lack of life experience of a teenager, abundantly flavored with vital energy.
But there are desires, and there are realities. A teenager not only "knows" his parent's reactions comprehensively, but also has his own instincts and reactions, hence the problems in trust and in education in general.
The most typical and frequently encountered problem is parental overprotection. It is connected with the adult's mistrust of the teenager, even with the "best" intentions, - says psychologist Andrey Kashkarov .
An independent and developed personality with a broad outlook does not need overprotection. While excessive control and attention to detail are not liked by anyone. The emotional state and behavioral manifestation of reactions of a teenager are influenced by both internal (health) and external factors.
Among the latter, one can single out the influence of authoritative persons from the role-playing social group (including teenagers) and the influence of parents at the place of residence.
Any teenager (like any person) wants to avoid an unpleasant situation using methods available to him. The same applies to getting out of imposed attention. One of the problems that modern teenagers face is the desire and inability to get out of external influence.
If parents tend to an authoritarian style of upbringing or reproach them with a “piece of bread” (the most common maxim is: “Your job now is your studies, treat it as responsibly as work”), then the nature of the teenager and the authority of the influence around him determine how much the developing personality will be imbued with such responsibility just because dad or mom wants it. Hence another problem of the teenager’s interest in a certain style of behavior, that is, motivation.
Otherwise, the behavior becomes destructive, that is, a teenager who already has sufficient moral strength and capabilities may well sabotage the parent’s desires and decisions and even oppose them.
Excessive pressure leads to a cumulative effect, and the teenager, not having the strength to resist, feels helpless and lacking initiative. Hence, with the understanding that “everything is decided for me, but I can do it myself,” a protest against such a style of “management” gradually develops and selfishness blossoms. All children have the makings of narcissism, but they develop to varying degrees and become significant elements of character.
The "developmental time" of a teenager (from 11 to 17 years) is associated with the desire to communicate; this is the "leitmotif" or main interest of this period of life. New knowledge is replaced (or supplemented) by sociability and interest in other people.
At this age, teenagers are the most sociable part of the population of planet Earth, which is indirectly confirmed by statistics of users of social networks and, in general, electronic devices with messenger functionality.
Teenagers are the most significant part of consumers of electronic content. And they also face these problems. Because any thought, aspiration, any action is a conditional problem.
It ceases to be a problem and does not form the basis of mental trauma only when it is resolved successfully, favorably (or, under unsightly circumstances for a teenager, it is worked through, “experienced” with minimal losses of mental disorders). However, the general problem is that neither adults (parents), nor especially their teenage children, are specifically taught to cope with these problems, and there are a lot of them.
Left to his own devices in this regard, a teenager, without professional or at least non-harmful psychological help (a mentoring tone or excessive didactics from a teacher or parent - if they have lost trust and authority - only harms), on the one hand, “yearns” and often even engages in self-harm, subjectively and without life experience seeing himself and others as the cause of his “unhappy state”.
On the other hand, he has a constant need for attention. It was there before, but for a teenager it is not the “general” that is important, but the specific and particular – from whom the attention to him comes.
It cannot be said that teenage girls and boys are very different in their reactions in this perception and quite human gender needs. But... there are differences, and hormones and "physiology" influence.
Another problem typical of teenagers is a critical perception of themselves in comparison with other people and even imposed patterns of behavior.
For example, the absence of a personal life or great difficulties associated with it lead to an affective disorder, and the problem is “driven” deep inside instead of being solved correctly. The teenager is not to blame. But then, no one is to blame… So, the situation improves when there is a wise person nearby who can help. In a word, by example, by suggestion.
As F. F. Preobrazhensky rightly said, "You should never beat anyone. You can influence a person or an animal only by suggestion." And he was right.
Lack of self-confidence is another problem typical of adolescence. And it also interferes with conditional stress resistance, prevents one from "withstanding reality" and the challenges of the times. Often, it is because of their own lack of confidence that a teenager is "rude", "impudent", provokes adults and even opposes them. People like them are called "psychopaths", "sick", "unstable", "out of their minds".
In fact, these are typical reactions of a teenager. Yes, they differ - for some it is brighter, for others more modest, but they are noticeable in almost everyone. And the stupidest thing an adult can do in this situation is to talk to a teenager as an equal, to respond in the same way - mirroring or even more - to use their power and strength.
It is advisable for parents to refuse overprotection, they need to understand the time and place (dose) of uninvited protection of the teenager, control of behavior and his communication. Note, we are not saying that this is not necessary. But even a medicine in a strong dose can be poison.
We are talking about the wisdom of the parental approach to the educational process. But this is not taught. Then former teenagers become parents, and the whole evolution continues on a cyclical principle (on the same rake).
We can talk a lot about the reasons for the phenomenon (cause and effect) and what motivates parents. But it is much better to say that parents should remember themselves as teenagers more often. And move away, if possible, from the imperfect model of imposing their opinions with a relatively dubious basis in their correctness.
A teenager analyzes everything and immediately figures out the lie or insufficiency (controversy) of arguments. That is why at this important age it is no longer enough to “order”, but also to explain. Preferably with examples.
Here is one of them. When you want to achieve something, you think about the goal, about the result. But also about the means that are best suited to a particular situation. When you go fishing, don't think about the number of fish in your still empty basket, but think about how to make sure that the fish is not afraid and comes to the bait, and that the bait is to its taste, connected with its dreams, and not about what you cooked for breakfast.
A fish loves tasty worms, not an old galosh. A teenager loves when you agree with him, not argue with him, that's how you will gain authority if you "show valor" wisely. A woman loves attention. And a man too. And not demands to "eat the bait"; you can achieve nothing with a teenager until old age.
In short: respect the individual, no matter what; if you can, of course. Only from love for a teenager, a person, will he himself change his attitude towards you, towards events, towards personal motives and will be happier, that is, be able to solve some of his problems independently.
Expert: Andrey Kashkarov
