“My child is the most precious thing in my life”, “Everything for my son/daughter”, “I live for my children” - these are the phrases you can hear from some mothers.
Psychologist Olga Nesterenko explained why blind maternal love is dangerous.
And what's wrong with that, you might say. There's nothing good about overdoing it. By giving your all to your child, without caring about your own well-being, you're traumatizing his life and your own.
A woman who adequately loves her children knows the undeniable truth: a happy mother means happy children.
But if, groaning and moaning at every step, she tells how hard parenting is for her, that all her health and time goes to her children and that she doesn’t need anything else in life, as long as the child gets everything he wants, then this can no longer be called normal.
Yes, you also need to know how to love children. Sometimes mothers overdo it with care, running and shaking over their child at every bump, not letting him go through his life experience.
What do you want to grow? There are two options: either a houseplant or a terrible egoist.
In the first case, the child will be completely unadapted to independent life. When the mother of a 23-year-old son, talking about him, says "My little one", because "He will always be a baby to me", doesn't it seem strange?
Firstly, the phrase “my” and not “our” immediately catches the eye. This definition immediately speaks about the relationship between the woman and the child’s father.
In a healthy, full-fledged family, children are always common. Secondly, “my little one” is great up to a certain age. Where, if not in the family, will children be told how they should behave (as babies or as adults, a woman and a man).
And if mom still gets up at 6 a.m. to make breakfast for a healthy forehead, carries heavy bags of groceries and wipes her nose every time she sneezes, then what kind of independence can we talk about? Remember?
Marfushenka-sweetheart, what's not an example of overdoing maternal love. Many laugh at this character, not noticing their own mistakes.
In the second case, the child feels like the center of the universe, not taking into account the opinions and capabilities of others. These mothers raise their children according to the principle: “I don’t forbid him/her anything.” Well, let it be like that at home, but we are still social creatures and we also need to learn to interact with people.
Children do not know the boundaries of what is allowed in behavior, because their mother did not show hers. You can literally sit on her neck and drive her to move, but in society such a trick will not work. With such a model of behavior, the child will encounter aggression and misunderstanding on the path of life.
But he will need to go to educational institutions, communicate with peers, teachers and later find the desired job and build a personal life. But how, if society does not adapt to him and does not do as he wants and is accustomed to.
Such children grow up to be individuals who are always to blame for everything.
When forming a child's personality, it is necessary to explain that it is impossible to get what you want now, because it is someone else's or inaccessible, it takes time or some effort. For example, knowing that you are going to the store, warn that you will not buy toys today, you can only look at them to decide on desires for the next shopping trip or to get for a holiday.
Or set an amount for which he can choose something today. The most important thing is to keep your promise. You weren’t going to buy a toy, but the child burst into tears or, even worse, threw a tantrum, and you still bought what was required because “I love him and can’t watch him cry.”
This is not about love, but personal egoism, because it is easier for you. When doing this, consider the fact - you have just taught him to manipulate you with tears. Such a child achieves his goals through negative emotions with his mother and will try to do the same in society.
It is normal to refuse your child or to set a later deadline for fulfilling a request. You cannot run, running off your feet, and fulfill the child's whims, just so that he does not cry.
For example, it is necessary to explain that now mom is resting or busy and cannot fulfill requests right away, unless they are urgent. Teach the child to find solutions independently.
Start with the basics - share toys, wash your own plate, buy bread, find information on the Internet, save up for a desired purchase if you give pocket money. Participate in paying for the repair of a damaged expensive item (for example, if you dropped a laptop due to negligence, being too lazy to carry a bag for it).
Blindly loving mothers will never, under any circumstances, believe in the guilt of their children. They will not find out the reasons for the offense, explain how to act correctly, and teach to bear responsibility for what they have done.
They will always interfere in the personal life of an already grown-up child and call every day asking “has he eaten?”
Consider whether your values have shifted due to deep maternal feelings. Are there signs of blind love that are doing a disservice to yourself and the child. Remember that children always test the boundaries of what is allowed.
And your main task is to arrange them from early childhood, thereby applying adequate maternal love.
