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Psychologist Valery Gut told how to understand that it is time to end a relationship
01.05.2023 20:09
Regardless of which partner decided to break up, the breakup period can be a real emotional catastrophe for each of them.
Valery Gut, PhD in Psychology and developer of the theory of adaptive intelligence, told how to understand that it’s time to end a relationship.
It is important not only to be able to properly survive this storm, but also to build a life after it.
How to understand that it is time to end a relationship
Monica Bellucci once said: "When people get divorced, it always seems like such a tragedy. But the tragedy can be the decision to continue living together."
Often we are so afraid of separation that we are ready to endure and turn a blind eye to our own suffering or the misfortune of a loved one.
It is worth thinking about breaking up if the following situations arise.
- Physical and psychological violence. A person can get rid of aggression in different ways. If he chooses to spew it on his loved ones, it is better to move to a safe distance.
- Resentments and betrayals. If you can't leave the resentment in the past, it would be better to break up and not torment each other.
- Different goals, values and priorities. Sometimes even loving people strive for such different achievements that it is difficult to combine them in one couple. If there is no possibility to find a compromise, this can become a reason for separation.
What happens when you break up
Even if a breakup is our conscious and considered decision, it brings with it a lot of difficult experiences. When people are separated, they experience the same suffering as if a loved one had died.
This happens because our brain experiences a colossal overload during this period. In psychology, this is called the Zeigarnik effect.
One day, the founder of Soviet pathopsychology, and then just a young student of Bluma, Zeigarnik, was having lunch with her teacher.
She noticed a surprising phenomenon: waiters easily remembered even the most complex orders while guests were sitting at the table, but immediately forgot them when the visitors paid and left.
After conducting a series of experiments, Zeigarnik found out that unfinished actions generate internal tension in us. This energy potential does not allow us to forget about the past, causes a feeling of anxiety, confusion and unhappiness.
In relationships, we have many common actions and plans that, when we break up, cause the Zeigarnik effect.
In addition, the state of being in love creates a strong feeling of attachment. Therefore, when breaking up, even if communication completely stops, we continue to suffer from a lack of familiar emotions.
This is confirmed by an experiment by American anthropologist Helen Fisher, who, using MRI, recorded that the brain of a person who has experienced a breakup experiences the same sensations as the brain of a drug addict suffering from withdrawal.
How to break up properly
These are the peculiarities of the human psyche that need to be taken into account when going through a breakup. Often we try our best to avoid pain, lie to ourselves that “everything will get better,” and try to bring back the past.
As a result, we fall into an emotional trap, running in a circle of suffering, exhausting ourselves morally and physically. To get out of this state and give ourselves the opportunity to build a happier future, we need to go through five stages of accepting loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
Breaking up in itself is not breaking the emotional connection. So each of these stages is necessary to come to terms with the inevitable, express your feelings and adapt to the new reality.
Grief work is a difficult and not the most pleasant process, but when it is over, relief and peace come. The following recommendations will help you get through this period more easily.
- Accept the fact that the relationship is over. When a breakup occurs, hope can play a cruel joke, making you hope for something that will never happen.
- Create a supportive environment for yourself. It is important to have loved ones nearby who can listen, sympathize, share strength and warmth. And at the same time, it is worth limiting communication with toxic people who allow themselves to make statements like “It’s your own fault,” “You deserve it,” “So who needs you now?” etc.
- Don't limit yourself in expressing emotions. Tears are specially created so that pain comes out with them. If you want to scream, you should go far away and scream. If you have too much aggression, you can break dishes or throw it out through sports.
The main thing is to give vent to the negative, not to push it into the depths of the subconscious, where it will quietly poison the soul and body. It becomes easier not when we pretend that everything is fine, but when we truly get rid of the “backpack of stones” in the form of negative emotions. - Stop beating yourself up. The worst thing you can do is dwell on where you did “wrong,” how you behaved incorrectly, and how such a terrible person doesn’t deserve love in principle. The thought “I’m a really bad person and I don’t deserve love” certainly won’t make it any easier.
It is better to understand the reasons for the breakup with a calm head and preferably in the company of a psychologist who will provide a sober view from the outside. - Form a new reality. We have a lot in common with our ex-partner: mutual friends, plans for the future, shared property. After a breakup, you need to create your own space filled with personal interests, communication and pleasant things.
- Search for meaning. Any event in our life, even the most tragic one, eventually turns into experience. It is important to understand what it is and how it can help in the future.
Breakups are a time to ask yourself: "Why did I choose this person in the first place? What beliefs do I have? Do they help me or harm me?"
Many people wonder whether it is possible to remain friends after a breakup.
Friendly communication or high-quality business interaction is possible if both partners are confident that such communication will not reopen the emotional wound and that friendship will not become an obstacle to creating new relationships.
Otherwise, it is better for everyone to go their own way. Often, difficult emotional experiences later become very resourceful sources for us.
Breakups, despite all their bitterness, are a powerful impetus for self-knowledge and self-improvement. This is an opportunity to study and better understand yourself, learn to build your life more consciously, and therefore, more happily.
