Psychologist Olga Salamakhina told how and why parents should become ideal
If you are here, it means you are striving to become the perfect parent.
Psychologist Olga Salamakhina told how and why parents should become ideal.
But is it possible to become an ideal employee, person, specialist, parent? And why should parents become ideal?
To be an ideal parent means to find yourself a failure and a constant feeling of guilt. Firstly, it is not clear: who is an ideal parent and what are the criteria for ideality.
Secondly, each parent will put their own meaning into the concept of "ideal". Thirdly, the desire to be ideal is formed from one's own experience, from one's own family.
The desire to become ideal is formed in childhood, when parents make excessive demands on the child in all areas. The child feels that if I do not meet the expectations of my parents, I will not be accepted, rejected and will no longer be loved.
This is how the desire to be an ideal student is formed, then a student, then an employee, and then this is transferred to parenting.
In fact, it is an escape from one's imperfect self. It is so scary to make mistakes and be bad parents.
Donald Woods Winnicott - English pediatrician and psychoanalyst, who had a special influence on object relations theory and developmental psychology, coined the concept of "good enough mother"
Let's look at this concept a little more broadly - good enough parents. These are parents who adapt to the child's needs, which decreases as the child grows and becomes more capable of frustration on their own.
Winnicott contrasted the concept of a "good enough mother" with a bad mother and an ideal mother, since the desire to be ideal usually traumatizes the child.
The Basic Criteria of "Good Enough Parents"
1. Mom is physically close and meets the child's needs. This point is very important for children under 3. The older the child gets, the more the mother can give herself without violating separation.
2. Parents know how to cope with their anxiety and calm the child. When parents are very anxious, the child does not see them as a support, protection, it is not safe with such parents.
Therefore, first of all, it is important for parents to work with their anxiety and also develop the skill of calming the child. Often, instead of reflecting feelings, parents begin to devalue and moralize.
For example, a child comes home from school and says: “I can’t do anything, it’s difficult for me, I’m so afraid,” and then the parent says: “Come on, why are you talking nonsense, you’ll succeed.”
Yes, it seems like this is support, but the child is left alone with his feelings, without reassurance.
Or you can answer like this: "I see you are upset, you are worried, you are afraid. I am here, I am with you. Let's think about how to deal with this, what do you need to be more confident in your abilities?!"
3. They make mistakes. Yes, it is really worth admitting that parents make mistakes and have the right to do so. The main thing is to find experience in every mistake. And children follow their parents' example, allow them to make mistakes without criticism and condemnation, and find a lesson and experience in this every time.
4. Understand their feelings. When parents understand their feelings, they can teach their children this, develop the child's emotional intelligence (here you can refer to my article about feelings)
5. They know how to dream! Parents who know their desires, understand their goals, always go towards them. Thus showing the possibilities to their child!
Do you meet the criteria for being a good enough parent?
