How to separate from parents: we understand the problem together with psychologist Anastasia Shavyrina
Separation in psychology is the separation of a child from his parents, a long, continuous path towards independence, both physical and emotional. This is a very important step, without which personal growth, development, and a full sense of happiness do not occur.
Without separation it is impossible to create a harmonious family of your own, to be a confident parent. It never happens abruptly, and normally it is a long period in a person's life.
Usually this process begins with the first breath – birth is the first separation from the mother. Then in childhood, during the 3-year crisis, the exclamations “I myself!”, “I want” are the first conscious steps towards separating the child from the parent.
Gradually, we separate from mom and dad, becoming more responsible, more mature, more independent, says psychologist, clinical psychologist, psychotherapist and psychology teacher Anastasia Shavyrina . At the same time, the relationship with parents does not get worse. On the contrary, as psychological practice shows, the better the separation, the deeper and more trusting the relationship between an adult and a child will be.
Later, when children become adults, there is no competition, no sense of seniority or dominance between them. Parents treat their children with respect, as equals, and this results in strong family unions. In essence, separation is needed so that the next generation can develop into full-fledged adults. And the parents of these children can continue to live their own lives, after completing their parental mission, when the chicks have flown out of the nest.
But for some reason, problems most often arise with separation. Parents are desperately unwilling to let their children go in childhood, and children, getting used to this, never want to let their relatives go. It happens that parents need their children more, and not vice versa.
Then we are talking about an adult, most often a woman-mother, identifying, that is, accepting and seeing herself only through parenthood. Sometimes many years pass in this state until the child grows up and goes to high school.
All this means that, having let the child go, she will be left with nothing and will have to rebuild herself, her personality, get to know her interests. It sounds difficult, and sometimes scary. Therefore, the choice in such a situation is obvious - no separation, no difficulties.
In critical cases, we see situations in which adults, aged 30+, live with their parents and have no personal life at all. These can be both sons and daughters.
There is no gender dependence here. People do not have partners and children, all care is directed at the gradually fading parents, which in turn dramatically accelerates the aging process. As a result, children grow up withdrawn and unsocialized, and parents are helpless and dependent.
Here it is worth discussing the secondary benefit of the absence of separation. Secondary benefit is some benefit that encourages a person to remain in a problematic situation for him as long as possible. And this benefit is enough for the absence of separation. Secondary benefit for such children:
- you don’t have to worry about provision, a roof over your head, basic needs (including food);
- there is a feeling of being needed and important, it does not need to be earned through work;
- there is an understanding of the goal: “I care about my parents/I must be there/they will be lost without me”;
- there is no need to realize oneself, you can sit still and do nothing;
- there is an illusion of being busy (parents always need help with something, fix something, wash something, take something);
- you don’t have to think about responsibility for your life, you don’t have to make decisions;
- it's convenient to be in the position of a child, you can always blame your parents for everything;
We will also list the benefits for adult parents:
- it’s scary to be alone, even if your spouse is nearby, he still won’t replace having a child by your side;
- I don't want to focus on my life;
- You may not realize how much time you've spent being a parent;
- it's not clear what to do without a child;
- pathological fear that the child cannot do anything and does not know anything, and therefore will not survive without them.
That is, when we talk about the reasons for the lack of separation, we most often mean the fear of losing all of the benefits listed above.
To go through separation, first of all you need to recognize the problem itself. If you have a suspicion that separation in your life did not go smoothly or did not happen at all, you can ask yourself the following questions, just do not forget to answer honestly.
- What are the pros and cons of my situation?
- What are the benefits of this? What limitations do I feel?
- What do I need to do to change the situation?
- What can I really do?
- Can I start these actions? Can I make an effort?
If you answered yes to the last question, then you should start acting right now. Remember that this process is never painless. It’s just that when it happens in childhood, we forget what happened to us. Resentment, pain, and sometimes even fear are erased. When we are adults, it is more difficult to deal with these emotions.
If you are afraid to take this step on your own, seek support from a psychologist or family therapist. Often in practice you can meet adult children and parents who are ready to go through this path together with a specialist.
Take a step towards separation out of love for yourself and your parents, because they too are hostages of the situation and do not live a full life. Assure them that you are not disappearing forever. Then you will move together towards understanding your desires, feelings and fullness.
