Psychologist Andrey Kashkarov explained why children become uncontrollable
The concept of uncontrollability is rather conditional, because we need to look at the specifics of the situation – what does it mean to control someone, even a child, and why?
Questions often arise about how to manage people in general, because people strive to dominate in a micro group (office, company, profession), wanting to influence others and make decisions that are beneficial to the former.
There is a huge amount of specialized literature on this topic, where various psychologists, including famous ones, explain in an accessible way the “laws” and “rules” of managing other people.
But... Where are these psychologists and specialists if the issue is still relevant, and some children are still considered uncontrollable?
If this is what school “specialist” teachers say about your child, you need to clearly understand that this is an admission on their part of their own weakness and, in general, the need to improve.
Teachers are trained in universities not to fill the world with controversial opinions (even if they are annoyed by regulations and methodologists - these are generally failed teachers who left the profession to manage the process; the child's parents "don't give a damn"), supporting them only with the opinions of the dependent collective in their own teachers' and pedagogical councils.
Therefore, it is advisable to be extremely careful with such assessments of those who are entrusted with the education of the child at school and preschool; a good specialist never shifts the blame and the problem to others.
The concept of a child’s (and an adult’s) uncontrollability is purely subjective, determined depending on the position of the “commentator” and the point from which he looks.
Someone would like to control you – yes. But whether you want it is a big question.
Our children are also “with understanding”, they feel the attitude towards themselves, even if they cannot explain it or their position in professional terms. There are no absolutely uncontrollable people and children, - psychologist Andrey Kashkarov is convinced.
And if uncontrollability is a subjective assessment, then it can only be commented on conditionally. It is also important to understand that no child becomes "uncontrollable" on purpose.
Deviant behavior is common, but again, the problem is not childish.
We need to look at the root and investigate the reasons for the child’s deviant behavior (from the conventional norm, if we assume that it, like freedom, exists at all).
Instead, it is common to "skim the surface" and give less than perfect assessments.
As a rule, the reasons for conflict in relationships between children and adults (teachers, educators, mentors, parents and even older children) are the child’s rejection of the situation.
This is a kind of protest, carried out in a way accessible to the child; and children (systematic "testing" of adults is also a norm of behavior in childhood) understand and evaluate the reactions of adults to their own behavior. From this, they correct it.
If an adult systematically ignores the child’s demands, his desires (here we need to figure out how acceptable they are in a particular situation), the child “takes revenge” in his own way and does not obey, sabotages adult decisions.
Formally, this may even look like “silence,” but the time will definitely come when a child’s will will turn into action.
Quite often, this quite logical manifestation (with the emergence of the child's moral strength) becomes an unpleasant surprise for parents. But such is the "price" for the inattention and narcissism of adults.
One may ask – is it really necessary to indulge a child in everything? Of course not. Neither a child nor an adult, who are essentially the same children transformed in form and consciousness through acquired experience, should be indulged.
But... We need to explain in an accessible way and, most importantly, completely, until understanding, “why we act” this way or that.
It is clear that children are different. There are children who are prone to narcissistic manifestations, and it is difficult to work with them.
They have a hard time accepting the word "no" and sometimes only ignoring a whim helps to establish boundaries. You can read about recommendations for working with narcissists - children and adults - on our portal.
The conditional "uncontrollability" of a child is nothing more than a self-presentation, a manifestation of character and strength in response to the challenges of the time. Sooner or later, it occurs in all children, but in different forms.
By doing this, the child is sending a signal to the world that “there is something wrong with you (or our relationship).”
In most cases, conditional uncontrollability is a consequence of the child growing up with his understanding of the contrast between the attitude towards him that was (unconditional parental love) and what has become or transformed over time with increasing demands without a clear understanding and provision of them - “you must”.
Any person, and especially a child, loves most of all when... he is loved. And the demands that are quite understandable to adults are not the same as those that are immediately and generally understandable to a child.
This is precisely why you need to patiently and systematically explain to him using examples, but not in a patronizing tone like “that’s how it’s done” or “everyone does it,” but also calmly using examples from your own childhood or abstract examples.
The world-famous philosopher Søren Kierkregaard, who celebrated his two-hundredth birthday in May, offered a wonderful maxim about the meaning of life: “Life can only be understood by looking into the past, but it must be lived looking forward.”
Sometimes they add to this that the beauty of life is also that, thank God, it ends someday.
It is highly undesirable to give warnings and explanations to children in the presence of witnesses.
Therefore, the problem of unmanageability of children is a more adult problem (than a child’s), indicating inattention and pedagogical neglect, missing the period of upbringing of the child, lack of authority and trust in the adult.
It is much easier to take preventive measures and not lose this influence than to solve this problem.
One of the undesirable forms of behavior of an adult when discovering that a child is “uncontrollable” or not submissive is that he wants to reproach him and tell him everything – “right now.”
This is a mistake and stupidity. Have patience and remember more often what you were like and how “easy” it was for your fathers and mothers to be with you.
