Personal boundaries are a fairly new topic for our society.
After all, it was not accepted to take care of yourself and your comfort before. You had to think only about others and what they would say about you.
Thus, we have several generations of adults who are at a loss when it comes to defending their interests, says Victoria Nagornaya .
For example, we can't refuse because we're afraid of offending someone. We can't clearly state our desires. It can be difficult for us to object when someone yells at us or speaks rudely to us.
All this is about the inability to defend personal boundaries. So what to do? Let's figure it out.
What are personal boundaries?
Personal boundaries are an individual space of a person, which he sets himself and in which he feels in order and safe. This space protects his values, interests, hobbies, beliefs, emotions, etc.
In simple terms, this is the answer to the question: "What can and cannot be done with you?" Healthy personal boundaries are when you know what you want and are not afraid to tell others about it.
Where to start
The first step to understanding and protecting your personal boundaries is to understand yourself.
Conduct self-analysis.
1. Over the course of a week, track and write down in a notebook what you feel comfortable with and what you don’t feel comfortable with in your relationships with other people.
2. Analyze the situations that caused discomfort. Think about why you felt uncomfortable and what you could have done differently.
3. Determine what is truly important to you. Write a list of your values and priorities. This will help you better understand where exactly you need to set boundaries.
What to do next
Once you get to know yourself better and begin to notice when your boundaries are being violated, it's time to start developing self-defense skills.
The easiest way to practice is to rely on the 3 main types of personal boundaries.
1. Physical
2. Emotional
3. Temporary.
Physical personal boundaries
This includes everything related to your body and your material values.
How to understand that boundaries are being violated
- you are touched, hugged, kissed when you don’t want it;
- come too close to you during a conversation;
- take your things without asking or ask for them, manipulating your feelings of guilt (“Are you stingy with your best friend?”);
- you are required to have intimate relations when you are against it, etc.
How to protect yourself
Be open and honest with those around you about what you find unpleasant or unacceptable. For example.
- I feel uncomfortable when you're so close.
- Hugs are too intimate for me, let's limit ourselves to communication for now.
- My budget is already planned, so I am not ready to lend you such a sum of money. But I can support you in another way if necessary.
Emotional personal boundaries
This includes everything related to your thoughts, feelings and emotions.
How to understand that boundaries are being violated
- you are required to give more energy, attention and support than you can give;
- you are used as a spare ear or a shoulder to cry on, without giving anything in return;
- you are criticized, condemned, given unsolicited answers, etc.
How to protect yourself
If you don't want to talk about some topics, don't be afraid to say it honestly. For example.
- I don't want to discuss it.
- I really want to support you, but I am not in a position to be of any use to you right now.
- Thanks for the support, but I'm trying to figure it all out myself and I'm not ready to take other people's advice.
Temporary personal boundaries
This includes everything related to the only non-renewable resource - time.
How to understand that boundaries are being violated
- you are expected to solve professional, work-related issues in your free time;
- you have to give up your own plans for the sake of requests, help or desires of other people;
- you are required to communicate for a long time (in person or on the phone) when you were going to do something else, etc.
How to protect yourself
It is very important to prioritize and understand what will be best for you in the short and long term. If you understand that you are not ready to spend your time, then say so. For example, like this.
- I can talk. I have 5 minutes. Can we do it?
- I do not deal with work issues on weekends. I will definitely return with an answer on weekdays.
- I won't be able to come to the meeting, I have an evening planned with my family.
- I'm ready to help you, but not now. In about 2 days I'll be freer, let's call and discuss everything.
What's the bottom line?
Protecting personal boundaries is no longer a whim, but a requirement for normal life in modern society.
Start small: recognize your needs, learn to say “no,” and develop self-confidence. Over time, you will feel your boundaries becoming clear and protected, and your life becoming more harmonious and comfortable.
Earlier we talked about how to understand that a person is lying and not blushing.
