How to Apologize Properly When You're Wrong

You should apologize quickly and decisively. In order to do this quickly, you need to be able to correctly position your feelings. Because even hidden feelings have a decisive influence on your actions, including in admitting or denying guilt.

Don't judge yourself for any feelings. All feelings, even negative ones, are normal, says psychologist Andrey Kashkarov .

Projection of experience and motivation

The famous specialist in quality communication, lecturer, writer and coach (personal growth trainer) Dale Breckenridge Carnegie, who significantly popularized applied psychology, testified: if you are wrong, admit it quickly and decisively. The definition of rightness is subjective, but clearly felt by the person himself. It is like the "voice of conscience" or "inner voice".

In fact, it is a product of analytical thinking in the projection of experience and motivation. Motivation is defined conditionally simply. Imagine yourself: if you don’t care about a specific person, apologizing “costs nothing” or the opposite – you leave, forgetting about it. If the person is dear to you – then the “work of thought” begins and what in everyday language is called “torment” and “suffering”. What if he doesn’t understand? What if he laughs at me? What if he doesn’t answer? And the worst of all: what if, after I apologize, he will always do this, that is, not respect me? – it is not easy to get out of the circle of cyclical thoughts.

Every person – whoever you ask – is experienced and talented in relationships, smarter than everyone else. Self-conceit, among other factors, prevents one from being the first to apologize, admitting guilt (part of guilt) quickly and decisively. A person with developed intuition, knowing that thinking in such a situation depends little, gets out of a crisis (into which he drove himself) faster. They only steal time. And intuition is the result of discovering meanings according to the laws of similarity. This is directly related to experience. And Carnegie's methods of getting rid of anxiety really work.

Reluctance to apologize – where does it come from?

This follows from the complex of one's own behavior and attitudes. Under the veil of the external "facade" that you demonstrate to society, there is self-condemnation. For obvious reasons, a person does not want others to know about it. And hides it, putting on a mask of "unyielding" or "principled". Sometimes this is justified by circumstances, but not always. This mask of a specialist cannot be deceived. However, the worst thing is that you yourself harm yourself with the habit of "demonstrating strength, not weakness". It is clear that fear is the cause of everything.

The work of people who are forced to frequently encounter a large amount of other people's painful experiences provokes similar destructive effects. It leads to both the devaluation and repression of various stress factors, and to their exaggeration.

Stressors are pushed out of attention and have unpredictable unpleasant effects, from decreased performance to psychosomatic illnesses.

You can break out of the vicious circle by learning, after hundreds of attempts (it takes persistence in training), to understand your true feelings - their cause-and-effect relationship and to understand the feelings of others without generalizing "I always react this way", because in different situations you experience different feelings.

That is, it is important to stop judging yourself and being afraid that someone will discover it.

Release unnecessary clamps

Mental "clamps" of emotions are stable patterns of behavior, a consequence of hypertrophied motivation, environmental influence, experience, and sometimes an occupational disease. A person puts on a mask, which over time "grows" to the face. They arise in the process of communication, education and are fixed as a necessary attitude - as the only correct behavioral reaction of protection. Protection from real and imaginary (emotional) pressure and attack. No one wants to "lose", even in love relationships. And the situation is better where they do not really fight with each other for the prize place "I'm the boss here." And where they fight, they torment each other, doing this all their lives.

So, the mask on the face is illustrated by many examples, we will give some. "Emotional clamp" in the role of a teacher-mentor: "I must be authoritative, otherwise they will not listen to me", and this is professional incompetence. From the experience of training, incorrect examples of the environment, a person understood that a leader must be outwardly strict and imperious.

We all have a keen mind and understand that external forms of severity in facial expressions, gestures, intonation are an element of emotional clamps for the entire body. But we cannot do anything or do not want to. The same applies to officials, judges and, in general, people on whom the fate of others depends. This is the "mask of power". And there is a flip side - the psyche of such a person slowly but surely collapses if you do not stop the protective barriers, that is, do not take everything that happens to heart; in psychology, this technique is known as half-lowered curtains (on the eyes and ears). It is extremely difficult for such a person to apologize.

A way out of the situation: "let go of your clamps" - stop thinking about the consequences, be yourself, even when this requires spending time away from people (so that you are not given away) - use this saving practice at least sometimes. You are only human. And one more thing. Periodically, having prepared the conditions, do the exact opposite of what is expected of you in accordance with your work or home "role". Apologize quickly and decisively.

This does not even require special training. The will of a person works here, and the same experience that has reached a critical point and "says": "Try it differently already." Within reasonable limits, it is more convenient to criticize yourself than to listen to accusations from the lips of others. And immediately "it becomes easier."

Leo Tolstoy's method

Lieutenant Count L. N. Tolstoy - one of the recognized cultural identifiers of the Russian literary language had a very "emotional" character, mixed with common sense and life experience. In his youth (conditionally) he could grab his opponent by the throat and even express the thought "I will kill you", but not a minute passed - he sincerely apologized "forgive me for God's sake". We know these cases among the most interesting biography of the world-famous writer thanks to Tolstoy's biographer V. Chertkov.

Don't tell someone that they are wrong - this can make the other person more embittered, but why do this unless you are provoking or playing a game?

By apologizing sincerely and preferably quickly in the appropriate circumstances, you are being wise and "proactive"; thus depriving your opponent - whoever he may be, already in the mood to "respond" - of any grounds for a response. And it is as if there is no dispute.

If the opponent "doesn't stop" and still wants to drag you through the mud, then you will act confidently and strongly in the future. Due to the fact that you did everything you could to prevent the conflict from developing. And your opponent will be in a weaker emotional position. Yes, perhaps not everything can be forgiven, but in personal relationships it is better to do this and calm down than to warm up the feelings of "rightness", "justice", "revenge" for years - all this has been tested and is very tiring (revenge is not at all successful for the one who is being avenged, but sometimes for people who do not deserve it at all, for example, children) - and miss many wonderful opportunities in a harmonious and beautiful world.

Useful practices and taboos

To achieve good results in communication and maintain quality relationships, it is appropriate to propose several “rules”.

It is better to apologize than to insist that you are right (“insist on alcohol”).

Don't combine facts and feelings, passing events through yourself. If you feel guilty or lonely, know that there are not necessarily no people nearby who will not forgive, understand, and support.

Don't project your feelings onto others: just because you're angry doesn't mean they're angry too.

Don't hide your emotions (to show that you are strong, "devilishly strong"). No one among people has ever managed to avoid sadness, fear and generally negative emotions. If this happens to you, it means that you feel, live, act. It means that everything is fine.

Previously we wrote about how to recognize manipulation .