Why is it hard to say "no"? Why do it, and most importantly, how?
Psychologist Olga Batueva told how to learn to say "no".
Let's look into these issues. To learn to say "no", you must first understand "where the roots come from", the difficulties of this problem, then it will be much easier to learn to say "no".
Reasons for the inability to refuse
1. The desire to be good and the fear of condemnation. As children, we were told how important it is to be a good boy, girl, daughter, son, and so on. And we heard this for so long that the thought “good people are loved more” became firmly entrenched in our heads.
2. The desire to please. It is important for us to be accepted by other people, especially those who are important in our lives. By agreeing to do something we do not like or do not want to do, we satisfy the need for acceptance.
3. Fear of offending another person, especially when asking for help. Intolerance of guilt after refusal is much stronger than the infringement of one's own interests.
4. Fear of being rejected. If a child did not receive enough love, warmth, acceptance in his parental family and was only paid attention to when he was obedient and did what was expected of him, then an adult will unconsciously try to “please” to his own detriment.
5. Fear of ruining the relationship. If you have the idea in your head that “my refusal will lead to the loss of the relationship,” then you will be afraid to express your opinion, protect your personal space, and prevent manipulation.
When we don’t know how to say “no,” our self-doubt grows, and the desire to communicate with loved ones, friends, and colleagues disappears in order to avoid internal tension.
To understand the reasons for your inability to refuse, it is helpful to look at your state: how you feel after you agreed to do something that you really didn’t want to do or that caused you harm and inconvenience.
Here are some recommendations on how you can do it yourself.
1. Determine what is truly important to you. Focus on what aligns with your values and goals.
2. Practice self-assertion by expressing your opinions and standing up for your boundaries in everyday situations. Self-confidence and the ability to express your thoughts and feelings are key elements to saying "no."
3. Set boundaries. Setting boundaries will help you determine when and how to say no. Determine what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do, and be prepared to communicate this clearly and distinctly to others.
4. Practice saying no. Start practicing saying no in small situations to gradually get used to it. For example, turn down an invitation to an event if you already have something else planned.
5. Use "I" messages. When you say "no," use "I" messages to express your feelings and needs. For example, say, "I understand that this is important to you, but I have other commitments and won't be able to help."
6. Be consistent. It is important to be consistent in your decisions and boundaries. If you constantly change your mind or give mixed signals, people around you may not take your "no" seriously.
7. Don't apologize. There is no need to apologize for saying no. You have the right to your time and energy, and you don't need to justify your decision.
Remember that learning to say no is a process that takes practice and confidence. Don't be afraid to say no, and remember that your time and energy are valuable. It's your life, and you have the right to do with it as you see fit.
If you can’t learn to refuse something you really don’t want to do on your own, then you should go to a psychologist for a consultation and get qualified help.
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