We live in an age of ambitious goal setting.
Psychologist Valery Gut explained what the fobu phenomenon is.
Just three or four decades ago, people only had to finish school and get a profession – factories/steamships were already waiting for everyone.
Now is the time of great opportunities, and it requires constant "on": you need to declare yourself in order to be needed. And if a person does not feel this, then a feeling of uselessness arises.
Uselessness as a personality trait is the inability to benefit people and bring things to a result.
FOBU – fear of being useless – manifests itself in the absence of self-worth: a person does not understand what benefit he can bring to society, to individuals, and does not realize his strengths.
Such people are constantly searching for their own significance. They are afraid of being of no use to anyone.
Gradually, a person falls into a state of anxiety and apathy: everyone around him sets goals, achieves them, but he, as it seems to him, does not. Mass publicity on social networks further aggravates the situation. His own goals and plans seem insignificant compared to others.
A person does not consider himself an interesting person - he stops trying to show himself.
The reason for the emergence of such a condition can be either social, formed under the influence of global changes, or personal, arising in childhood or adolescence.
If we talk about the influence of changes in society and its structure on the formation of FOBU, then most likely this applies to people who experienced these changes at the turn of the century.
- Psychologically, a person remembered belonging to one way of life, work, interaction with other people: he was known and appreciated, people wanted to spend time with him. But the age of new technologies came: work became more individual, people around him became busier.
There is no longer a need to see each other and communicate often. Modern means of communication decide everything. The feeling of community and belonging to something global is gone - there is an emptiness left, which weighs down with a feeling of uselessness. - The skills and abilities that people previously acquired and thanks to which they did what they considered useful for society became unnecessary - they were replaced by machines.
If a person can adapt to new conditions, he will get a new profession and apply his experience in another. But if not, then comes the fear that he has now become or will soon become useless.
But most often the roots of FOBU are in childhood.
- If in a family, mom and dad prioritize external well-being and do not take into account the desires and internal needs of children, then they grow up with the feeling that they are not so important to the world around them. And if phrases such as, “Go help mom/dad, do something useful,” were also heard, then the person lives in complete confidence that he must always do something for others, otherwise he will be useless.
- If a family constantly devalues any achievements of a child, compares them with others, citing the neighbor's daughter or son as an example, then the child develops an awareness of his own inability to do anything significant.
As a result, he wants to declare his ideas, goals, plans, but he is afraid that they will turn out to be of no use to anyone, unworthy of attention.
Whatever the reasons for the fear of uselessness, the consequences can be quite dangerous.
- The most modern phenomenon that arises as a result of FOBU is the impostor syndrome. This feeling prevents one from performing actions, making one think that one has no right to do so. That one is not good enough, that one needs to study more, and so on.
- The ugly duckling syndrome manifests itself in the fact that a person considers himself rejected by society. This is accompanied by low self-esteem.
The person has practically no interests, does not see a future, does not know how to communicate with new people. Such a state can lead to the emergence of harmful habits and addictions. - Depression - according to WHO, about 4% of the planet's inhabitants suffer from it - a disorder that is accompanied by an unwillingness to do anything, a depressed state and increased anxiety. A person is not able to decide anything for his future, because he is indifferent to it.
A person who is afraid of his own uselessness lives to meet other people's expectations. In a relationship, he does whatever his partner wants.
In society, he tries to become convenient for everyone. There is no sense of independence and self-sufficiency, he constantly needs dependence on other people, their desires or goals, the understanding that he "deserved" a good attitude or benefit.
Advice for those who have noticed signs of FOBU in themselves
- It is important to understand that any fear is a defensive reaction. Therefore, the first step to overcoming it is to understand the reasons for its occurrence. To understand yourself, you can have a heart-to-heart talk with your best friend or start a diary.
A student of the great C. G. Jung, psychotherapist Ira Progoff, wrote that keeping a diary helps to solve many personal problems independently, using one's own resources. A person is left alone with thoughts and feelings, pays attention to himself and his feelings.
Begins to hear his own needs and emotions. Leo Tolstoy analyzed his feelings and thoughts in his diaries, thus learning more and more about himself. - New hobbies will help you expand your personal horizons and recognize your strengths. You need to listen to yourself and understand what you want to do in addition to your obligations. Perhaps you wanted to play the guitar all your life, but were not allowed to do so as a child.
Or you really want to write a book, but you haven't found the time. For example, Peter the Great was a very enthusiastic person and even tried to weave bast shoes, so he didn't suffer from the fear of being useless.
You can find what you like by starting to read books you haven't read before, attending events, and meeting new people in areas that interest you. - It is necessary to introduce a habit of daily self-care. Listening to your desires, living in pleasure - this is the path of a person who is not afraid of not being appreciated. He is sufficiently aware of his own importance, and the people around him feel it. Gradually, the need to look for reasons to "earn" recognition will go away. Three simple pleasures a day will once and for all rid you of the fear of being rejected.
- Know how to distance yourself from other people's successes. It is important to be able to compare yourself to yourself: after all, it is comparison with others that knocks the ground out from under your feet. It is important to celebrate your achievements and develop the best version of yourself, not a copy of someone else.
When a person feels important, loved, needed, he is happy. The fear of losing these feelings paralyzes. John Kehoe, a personal growth coach, wrote that happiness can be trained. One of such practices for training happiness is to show love and kindness.
Just love other people, do good deeds, be generous. In the fairy tale "Morozko" Ivanushka could not get rid of the bear's head while he tried to "be useful". But as soon as he began to help from the heart, everything around him changed.
John Kehoe recommends not to complicate your life, but to do what you like, what gives you satisfaction. This will bring joy and relaxation.
And - most importantly - it will relieve you of the fear of being of no use to anyone.
