Protecting personal boundaries
Valery Gut, PhD in Psychology and developer of the theory of adaptive intelligence, explained what personal boundaries are and how to protect them.
Many of us have heard comments from loved ones about our hobbies: “You’d be better off reading a book,” about our environment: “You’re friends with who knows who,” about family values: “When are you going to get married?” or “When are you going to have a baby?”, and we know how unpleasant such situations are.
This happens because at such moments, those around us violate our personal boundaries. And we have the right to protect them.
In psychology, a person's personal boundaries are the line that separates one personality from another. It is known that one person's freedom ends where another person's freedom begins.
By freedom in this case we mean the beliefs and values of the individual, his emotions and interests, time and intellectual resources, as well as physical and material inviolability. Everyone has the right to share their capabilities in conditions that are comfortable for them, without pressure from the outside.
This is what it means to build personal boundaries and, if necessary, defend them.
The inability to defend one's boundaries comes from childhood, when a child strives to earn the love of parents by any means. In such cases, children often lie, overstating or understating the significance of events. It is clear that deception is not an environmentally friendly way to build relationships.
Boundaries can be divided into flexible and rigid. By maintaining a certain distance with some people and crossing the threshold of what is permissible with others, we regulate flexible boundaries. Rigid boundaries include sexual preferences, universal values, and cultural beliefs.
They are the most fiercely defended - it is not worth crossing this type of boundaries, as this will lead to deeper conflicts.
Each person decides for themselves what is normal for them and where they should defend themselves. This, among other things, depends on the environment or circumstances at a particular moment in time. For example, a question from a mother to her daughter about her plans for her personal life may be normal, but it would be absolutely inappropriate if a neighbor asked it.
The boy Miguel from the cartoon "Coco" had to go on a difficult journey in search of the truth to defend his right to make music. He managed to protect his dream. The conclusion is simple: to maintain personal boundaries, you need to understand your values.
Psychologists have identified “contour points” of psychological boundaries – what is an individual decision for each person:
- desire to set goals;
- an idea of one's future;
- environment and relationship building;
- assessment of the effectiveness of interaction with other people;
- defining one's role in society;
- striving for creativity, self-realization, self-development;
- improving knowledge about oneself.
It is not difficult to defend personal boundaries: you just need to say in time that you do not intend to talk about something or perform any action. Only a person who clearly understands himself and can assess the limits of what is permitted can do this.
What should you do if you still can’t draw that protective circle?
1. Learn to understand your emotions
What I feel at the moment: anger or confusion, pain or resentment.
Emotional intelligence — the ability to recognize your own and other people's emotions — helps you respond correctly to unpleasant situations. In addition, social boundaries often prevent us from expressing what is really inside. But understanding yourself will give you confidence in your future actions.
2. Train firmness and persuasiveness
Not all restaurant guests return dishes they don't like. Although it is their legal right. Often we are afraid to say that we don't like something.
Or we speak, but so softly that we are easily persuaded. This behavior pattern is formed in childhood. For example, a child says that he is full, and he is offered a couple more spoons "for mom, for dad."
As an adult, he must make an effort to ensure that his wishes at least begin to be heard.
You can understand that boundaries are being violated by the physical state: if there is discomfort, we are angry or offended - it means that it is time to end the situation. At such moments, clear "I-statements" are needed: "I feel unpleasant. I do not want to continue the conversation."
If there is a fear of offending a loved one in this way, then it is good to choose softer words for this. For example, in a situation where a father lectures his adult daughter on the subject of raising her child, she can say: "I love you very much, but I ask you not to raise this issue and this topic again."
Defining and protecting your boundaries makes interactions with others in any area comfortable. Refusing your boss to work overtime, if the employee at the same time protects personal boundaries, does not look like a failure to fulfill obligations, but as an agreement and an indication that in addition to work, there is also a family waiting at home.
This wording will most likely not cause conflict, but it will make it clear that additional incentive is needed for such requests.
Knowing your boundaries and being able to protect them means being a free person. This freedom is not innate. But training and deep work on yourself will help you find it, even if a different type of behavior was formed in childhood.
Often people around them do not suspect that they have violated something, because each of us has our own norms of interaction with other people and building relationships.
Therefore, it is important to understand yourself well and be able to talk about your desires, thereby protecting your personal boundaries.
