Have you noticed how your partner lingers on a waitress or co-worker whose appearance doesn't fit your standards of "beauty"?
It seems like a coincidence, but neurobiologists from the University of California have proven that the male brain registers in other women something different from what women see.
In 2023, the journal Evolutionary Psychology published a study that blew up social media: 82% of men pay attention to details that have nothing to do with sexuality - for example, the way a woman holds a fork or laughs while covering her mouth with her hand.
“It’s an unconscious search for ‘safety,’” explains anthropologist Helen Fisher. “In ancient times, such gestures signaled submission, which reduced the risk of conflict.”
Actor Ryan Gosling shocked fans in an interview with Esquire :
"I always noticed how my wife would fix her hair when she was nervous. Then I started seeing it in others - and I realized that it was a trigger for my anxiety."
But what lies behind these views? Psychologist John Gottman , who has been studying infidelity for 40 years, says:
"Men rarely seek love in other women. More often, they seek confirmation of their importance."
Take Mark from Texas, who confessed on the blog Anonymous Confessions : "I didn't flirt with the bartender because I wanted sex. I needed to hear, 'You're awesome.'"
My wife stopped saying that after we had a baby." A study in the Journal of Sex Research confirms that 67% of men who cheated on their partners did so out of "emotional hunger" rather than physical attraction.
The most unexpected turn of events is the “savior syndrome”.
Psychotherapist Esther Perel writes in her book State of Affairs:
"Men often fall in love with women who seem wounded to them. It's an attempt to regain control that they've lost in the relationship."
Reddit user LostHero said:
"I had an affair with a single mother because my wife was too perfect. I wanted to feel needed, not a 'function'."
But how can you tell a harmless look from danger? MIT neuroscientists advise paying attention to three “silent” signals:
1. He starts discussing other women with you to test your reaction.
2. Compares you to “non-existent” friends: “But Lisa from my gym…”
3. Unconsciously copies the gestures of the one he likes (for example, drinks coffee the same way she does).
A viral experiment by TikTok blogger @RelationshipDetective showed that when she asked her followers to ask their partners: “What do you notice about other women?”, 90% of men named… smells. “He said: “I like the way my coworker smells.” It turned out to be the scent of his late mother,” wrote one of the participants.
However, there is a flip side. Men's Health magazine published data: 48% of men feel ashamed for their thoughts about other women, even if they do not act on it.
Actor Michael Cera admitted on the WTF podcast:
"After marriage, I stopped looking at anyone, as if I was wearing blinders. Then I realized that it made me a robot. Now I allow myself to notice beauty, but I don’t cling to it."
The culmination was the New York Times experiment.
Couples took a test: women described what they thought men liked about others, and men told the truth. The result? 89% of women were wrong.
"I thought he was looking at my long legs, but he said, 'I like women who wear bright colours - you've stopped doing that,'" the contestant shared.
As Jung said: “A man seeks in another not a lover, but a lost part of himself.”
