Restoring your reputation: how to get your boyfriend back after a scandal

The main thing you need to do with yourself before taking immediate action is to answer the main question: “why?”

This is a defining question that indicates how irreplaceable a particular person is for you, regardless of age or gender.

Frankly speaking, the very formulation of the question speaks volumes, about the desire to return. But for a positive result, it is important to act consciously, having analyzed the reasons for the scandal or disagreements and to take, think through or plan actions to strengthen the partnership, that is, to "work on mistakes."

If you don't do this, a new scandal or quarrel may happen for the same reasons as before. If the answer to the question "why?" is not clear for you, you are "full of doubts", then you should not worry about it - if you can.

Not all mistakes in relationships are yours personally. And you feel like you're trying to make a positive contribution to both. Moreover, people don't always violate other people's boundaries maliciously.

These are typical interactions: no one thinks about personal boundaries and is not going to violate them, but they behave as they are comfortable and as they are used to, says psychologist Andrey Kashkarov . The partner could act for the same reason.

How not to

To begin with, it is worth understanding how not to act. You should not invade the psychological space of another with claims - in such an uninvited format of violating personal boundaries, you will not find understanding.

And don't blame. Your partner will also have arguments in this regard - no other way. It's not your partner who makes you angry or offended, but you who are angry or offended. Emotions are a specific reaction, therefore, it is in your power to experience them in a muted form, to a lesser extent.

Instead, if you want to get to know each other's positions and thoughts better, it's appropriate to politely ask, "Would you like to talk about us?" or about what happened.

So, of course, you already indicate a desire for reconciliation, and your partner may find himself in a conditionally advantageous position - that is, have a choice of what to do - to meet your initiative or not. It is surprising how some psychologists in such a situation give unambiguous recommendations without knowing the characters of specific people and the circumstances.

On the one hand, yes, it is important not to pass the initiative to others, but on the other hand? You are not playing football, but solving a problem of personal relationships.

Therefore, the second question that arises on the topic is what is more important to you specifically - a person, your relationship, victory in an argument or conflict, or advice from a friend, who typically replaces a psychologist? Hence the recommendation - listen to less other people's advice. You can also not read this one. It will not hurt us.

Therefore, the first thing to do - after you have decided on the answer to the main question "why" - is to ask your partner if he wants to talk about the relationship. You won't get beaten or even shot for asking.

Therefore, if the answer to the main question is positive, you have nothing to lose, but only fight for your happiness. And it does not matter who says what. You cannot insult with love. Nor with the corresponding initiative.

And do not regret it, no matter what happens. It is better than sitting and waiting for the other person to take the initiative. In addition, it is important to talk "once and for all" and agree never to remember what happened, not to scratch "pimples" and not to "gnaw cacti", not to return to what has already been discussed. "The matter is closed."

Find the reasons for the quarrel together

Instead of worrying, just take a break. Sit in a chair and mentally disconnect from the problem. You can sleep. Do nothing at all. And then, having accumulated emotional strength, act.

Because psychological endurance is not just a belief in victory or one's own capabilities. It helps to connect success not only with a specific result, but also with the process, with the path to the goal.

A psychologically resilient person understands that even in case of failure, he still won. After all, he was able to enjoy the process. Numerous studies show that success is 80% dependent on communication skills.

When you are strong, you will be able to speak and convince others with arguments confidently, without fear, and therefore influence the outcome of the "negotiations". It is equally important to have improvisation skills in dialogue and to demonstrate charismatic personality traits.

Your partner will appreciate it because the determination and confidence of the other person in the fight is always visible. Including for relationships and happiness. When people want to get each other back, they succeed. It doesn't work where they don't want to or doubt in the manner of "it's not bad as it is."

No need to be cunning and deceitful

The second danger or mistake lies further on – in conversation.

Namely, the mistake of making claims to another or - its variable form - the transition to a “childish” infantile position with an offer to your partner to take care of your joy, comfort: to let go, allow, agree and, most importantly, to take responsibility for getting closer again.

Even a stranger can easily understand the trickiness of such an attitude, and don’t forget that your partner will understand it too.

Some examples for action

Yes, each partner was traumatized by the breakup, and it is not yet known who is deeper. As a rule, the one who thinks more about the scandal, about the relationship, about other things. That is, the one who feels subtly, and speaking in professional language, animates the situation, passing it through himself.

The point of a reconciliatory conversation is for new relationships and the romance of discovering each other to replace trauma or the "romance of suffering." You can revive the romance of striving for an active life. For example, "in the evening we run two kilometers as a health workout, and no buts."

Any tactics of new interest, search, discoveries will help. Haven't collected Colorado beetles together - now is the time. If you don't know how long a mountain goat's horn is, go to the zoo. The main thing is together. Any unifying enterprise, joint event will help. That is, use any available techniques to look forward. The main thing is together.

Discuss openly and confidentially

Yes, this is the only way to have a heart-to-heart talk and sincerely understand the other person in a difficult situation. Because when, if not now, should you find out everything to the end?

Keeping silent about problems in partnerships can be dangerous. "Whalding" as a withdrawal from communication is even considered in some circles to be a form of passive aggression, almost abuse; this, of course, is not so.

Even if your partner is not ready to discuss “all the problems” with you, trying to hide them, you need reasonable initiative and correct persistence to restore trust and invite your partner to talk.

Use the “I-concept” so that communicating your intentions does not sound like an application for conflict, use verbal constructions: “It is important to me”, “I understand”, “I am ready”, “I share” - this makes it easier to show the true reasons for the reaction and the values behind the actions.

Things to remember

During quarrels, especially serious ones, it is important to remember that a person's life is finite and sometimes unpredictable, and health depends on many factors. The greatest regrets of people who have lost time can even be reduced to a small list, which everyone will probably have their own.

I didn't have the courage to live the way I wanted. How many people have lived their best years to live up to the expectations of family members, friends, or wanting to maintain their reputation in society at all costs? Sometimes to the detriment of their health - medical and mental.

I wish I had the courage to express my feelings more openly. Fear of the consequences of initiative can interfere with sincere feelings. Just as fear of disapproval and rejection prevents one from expressing oneself fully and sincerely.

It's a pity that we didn't communicate much with our loved ones, with friends. Friends come and go too easily. It seems that there are hundreds and thousands of friends on social networks. But... no one has time and no time for sincere feelings.

“Friends” from social networks, with rare exceptions, replace real and sometimes lost friends. Except when the same people are online. The same applies to relatives who passed away early – many would like to talk to them longer, and maybe even write down everything the elderly knew about life…

Many stated that they “wanted to be happier.” While happiness is an internal category, there are other opinions: some expect happiness to be “found” like a wallet on the street, or “achieved” through hard work, interpreting it as a material result, while it is close by and within.

From what has been said, if you discuss the topics together with your partner, expanding on the theses, you can better understand the value of a moment together and life together. The value of what is unique, because one moment is followed by another, and so history is made.

A person lives by the models imposed by society and often learns the value of actions, life, choice and even behavior and character when it is impossible to improve the situation. But you can choose right now to live fully, sincerely and happily.