Women are people too, and they want to combine a feeling of happiness with an increase in their own status in society, including counting on career growth for themselves.
Career growth in this case means not so much the acquisition of new powers (influential) in a position, but also an increase in material income.
In this case, the desire to "earn" for oneself and to provide children with opportunities for self-realization merge. This is a feature of modern times, when a mother, even on maternity leave, wants to maintain skills, shape, shine and influence.
But, of course, much depends on the characters of specific individuals and the system of relationships and interactions between adults and children accepted in the family, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
Basic roles of women
They can be divided into four personal needs: the woman herself, the wife, the mother and the professional. When circumstances arise (change), including the birth of a child (children), a mixing of roles and adaptation to them in a new way inevitably occurs.
Moreover, both adult partners adapt, not just the woman. It is not so much a matter of motherhood as of any established change in roles; an example could even be a change in job and work schedule. But adaptability to changes of different nature is different.
In addition, the situation is influenced by the characteristics, established patterns of behavior and accumulated experience of the partners (and other factors). In all roles, it is important to maintain a balance. Since raising children in a family is a typical task of parents, the "role of a mother" is most appropriate in relation to children, but not with a partner.
The danger of "doing it all"
As a factor of influence, the system of relationships has its own significance and “rules” in parental, partner, financial and other areas-spheres.
A person can effectively, optimally and without much loss of energy occupy only one place, choosing one of the styles, but not combining them in the manner of wanting to sit on several chairs at once.
Therefore, it is better for long-term family relationships not to mix roles - each has their own; to put it simply: a wife is not a husband, a mother is not a father, a subordinate is not a boss, a leader is not a follower. Each role has its own main tasks and spheres of influence.
Small Steps Method
The small steps method works well when, working from home (remotely), you gradually expand the range of tasks performed and, accordingly, earn. This path is suitable for those who have the competence to work on a computer.
With such an opportunity, the mother can find time - at first a little, then increasing her involvement in the work process, even while on maternity leave (up to 3 years). Moreover, this is convenient for all parties: the mother chooses a convenient time for her work activity, for example, late in the evening, and the employer receives a "portion" of completed work within the agreed time frame.
By the way, many women raising small children have been using this method for a long time. But a lot depends on qualifications, work experience and competence. The simplest (but not the best) is copywriting or typing.
For those who do not have the ability or competence to work on a computer, any other forms of activity are suitable: you can knit to order, practice as a governess (with children of other mothers), or carry out other one-time assignments for the employer.
There are examples of mothers of four minor children who found time to study at home with their children (who did not attend primary school), take them to sports clubs every day, and travel abroad a couple of times a week to carry out imperfect orders to deliver goods.
How controversial or possible different options are for a particular mother is something that only she or her family can decide.
The negative aspect of these employment opportunities is the extremely tight "schedule" - you have to do everything, which undoubtedly affects the physical, mental and emotional state of the mother. Therefore, we would call this method of employment and combining it with raising your own children controversial. And we present it here only to illustrate the different possibilities.
Choice of role
Consciously or not, a woman raising young children chooses a role that is convenient or accessible in accordance with her character – in relation to children and her husband (partner).
The choice of this role is definitely influenced by her specific characteristic ideas about what a partner should be like, his role in the family and the complex of tasks he performs. Therefore, everything is individual.
The danger is that the ideas of a woman-mother can (and often do) conflict with the real desires and capabilities of a man.
The imposed role of "mother" is not suitable for everyone and is perceived loyally for him either. With the above-mentioned substitution or imposition of roles, the wife takes the place of "mother", and the husband - "child".
Therefore, it is a mistake to impose one's own ideas about the role of children and men in the family on family members; this can lead to conflicts. The second conditional mistake of influencing a partner or husband is that a woman tries to remake him to fit the format of her own visions of relationships and roles in the family.
In such a family, there is inevitably a competition of “patience” between two adults, each of whom, ideally, should be interested in the role that he or she plays in relation to the family and the other partner.
The problem of excessive control
The desire to control several spheres at once is a logical manifestation of the parental position. But the male partner is far from being a child.
Moreover, for him, the birth (addition) of a child in the family is also not a shock and stressor, but a factor for reconsidering his own role and tasks. The man changes.
And if we do not take into account the new reality, this will be supplemented by a distortion in parent-child relationships: the mother is now raising not only young children, but also her husband. Often this affects the change in the harmonious climate in the family more than the fact of the birth of a child.
You need to ask a man (besides your own ideas) what and how he sees, wants, and suggests doing.
However, not everyone succeeds in this dialogue. After the birth of a child, the obstacle in the relationship is not so much the additional burden on the partners in raising children and providing for the family, but the lack of coordination in their actions.
An inflexible, authoritarian male partner sets the rules in the family himself – if he has the resources of influence and can provide all the material needs for the family on his own. However, not all families are like that.
Another, less strong or more psychologically flexible partner may nominally accept the new rules "introduced" by the woman. But not agreeing with them completely, he simply tolerates them. And the woman thinks that "everything is fine" - he wanted it himself. This is a mistake. Because patience is not infinite.
In this format of relationships changed with the birth of a child (children), imposed by a woman-mother with the justification “I gave birth – I fulfilled the main task and succeeded in the maternal role”, and now “you show what you are capable of”, the partner with the role of “adult child” copes differently – this is individual.
But the role itself is logically clear: the child is raised, he studies, he is encouraged (in various ways, not just chocolates), and when he grows up, he leaves according to the same principle as grown-up children leave their parents' nest to build their own families and live their own lives.
Complex case
The most difficult case is adaptation after a change of roles. For example, a woman raised children alone and got used to this role, its peculiarities, responsibility, control over everything, being on time, to the schedule.
With the appearance of a male partner in the family, the situation changes: new opportunities, habits, opinions, worldviews, character, desires, experience.
In this situation, you need to change, but not everyone is ready. The habit of controlling and "commanding" can become a hindrance. In relationships with a husband, this usually does not work.
If he is not a Pithecanthropus (otherwise you would not have chosen him) and is professional and effective in his own way, then there will be competition. If you impose your vision, you will certainly mix up the "roles" and take the place of "mother" for your partner.
In essence, such a role chosen by a woman gradually leads to conditional abuse on her part. It is unlikely that there is much good in this for long-term family relationships, especially after the man has already been in another, freer role. This discrepancy and "blindness" is the main reason for future quarrels and divorces.
Inappropriate criticism
It manifests itself in people quite often and sometimes even unconsciously. But what is criticism of a partner if not an emotional reaction to the fact that he does not meet your expectations of his actions.
But what are your expectations? These are individual desires and plans as only you see them. Therefore, the problem of discrepancy is not in what the partner does or can do wrong (not according to your vision), but in you yourself.
By remaking another, controlling him, we try to satisfy our own needs in partnership through the implementation of a system of scenarios and values alien to the other. Therefore, it is advisable to avoid excessive criticism.
Abandonment of leadership
It may sound strange, but in family relationships it is not so bad. When you want to influence and change something, impose, you consider yourself "entitled", "the main beneficiary", that is, above your partner.
The problem with modern relationships is that you are the main one only for yourself. You can effectively influence (change your own attitude to people and events) only in relation to yourself.
Influencing another is always an ambiguous process. A child obeys because he is still emotionally weak. A teenager rebels. An adult may not accept attempts to educate him at all. It is a question of authority and proximity to the ideal.
And there is no such thing among people. To improve communication and understanding in the family, the main thing is not to change the other, but to work on yourself, literally adjusting to the relationship - each in their role. Then there are good chances for peace in the family and its effective development.
Relationships between a man and a woman, including family relationships, are a partnership system that presupposes equality or the desire for it. The resources and potential of partners have a positive effect in the family when they complement each other, such as the established concepts of masculinity and femininity.
In a well-established system, two people who understand these basic principles of family development and child rearing demonstrate a quality example to their children, and in general such a partnership gives much more than that of single people. But... only in the case of high-quality coordination of roles and tasks.
Conclusions and recommendations
From this situation, we can offer several recommendations. The main thing is to change your own internal position, that is, to adapt to the situation.
Let's say you want this, you want to maintain the partnership (because otherwise there is no point in reading). Change your internal position consciously.
Look at yourself from the perspective of different roles: wife, mother for children, daughter for parents, loving woman focused on family happiness.
In all roles there will be losses and gains. But ask yourself the question - how to act - from the position of your specific role - the object of influence on another. Then mixing roles and the mistakes associated with it can be avoided.
Earlier we talked about why a child breaks toys and fights .
Expert: Andrey Kashkarov
