How to learn to say "no" to family and friends

When it comes to our family and friends, many of us simply cannot bring ourselves to refuse their request.

It immediately seems that we are some kind of bad people who cannot help even those they love. But is this really true?

Unfortunately, often close people can accept help and then sit on your neck because they themselves do not want to solve their own problems and issues, says Ksenia Sysoeva .

At such moments, you need to learn to say “no” to them - tactfully and ecologically, but firmly. How to learn this, we will figure out with a psychologist!

First of all, it is important to understand why you cannot refuse your relatives' request. Most often, it is difficult and scary for us to refuse because:

• the human psyche perceives any refusal as a refusal to me – a person (but in reality, a refusal is only a request). And animal fear is activated: a refusal to me as a person is equal to rejection, rejection is equal to death. Each of us is afraid of refusal and, accordingly, is afraid to refuse others (if I say “no” to him – he will “die” or then say “no” to me);
• we are afraid of offending, upsetting, not living up to expectations;
• we don't know if we have the right to refuse them, we don't know our own personal boundaries. From childhood we are taught that we can't refuse, that the interests of others are more important. And they even manipulate us with shame and guilt;
• we just don't know how to refuse. We haven't developed the experience of refusing, phrases, verbal constructions: clear, correct, without irritation and claims.

How to learn to say "no"

1. Realize that you are saying "no" not to the person himself, but to his proposal, his actions, his words. This will allow you not to feel guilty and ashamed for refusing. If you still feel guilty and ashamed for refusing, you can work on this in psychotherapy.

2. Develop sensitivity to your desires and interests. When receiving an offer or hearing words addressed to you, realize that you are not interested in it, you do not have time for it, it is harmful to you. For example, you are told: “You are behaving badly, you cannot do this, you need to do it this way” - you can feel that you are not happy. And this is an indicator of your boundaries being violated.

3. Cultivate your self-worth. Learn to value and respect yourself.

4. Learn to deal with aggression and the other person's reaction to refusal. It can be different, not everyone understands that you are refusing an offer, not the person themselves.

5. Use correct “I-messages”. For example, “I appreciate your offer, but I have more important things to do right now, thank you for the offer” or “You have the right to your opinion, and it’s unpleasant for me, please don’t say that again”. You can practice in front of a mirror so that your mouth and body can feel these words.

Earlier we told you what misdeeds of a man a self-respecting woman will not forgive .