"Why do we often go in circles in our arguments with my husband, as if playing out some scenario? And we can't find a way out of it..." - this question is often heard in the psychologist's office.
"We try to discuss something, we don't understand each other, we argue, we discuss it again... and in the end everything remains as it is."
This may be a sign that people are now controlled by their childhood traumas, and everyone sees something of their own, their own painful experience, through their prism.
Nelly Pikarskaya, psychologist, body-oriented psychotherapist, psychosomatic therapist, told how childhood trauma manifests itself in marriage.
Hence the impossibility of solving the problem and reaching an agreement with the partner. After all, to do this, you need to feel yourself in the present moment, and not in that distant and still painful situation from childhood.
What is "childhood trauma"
Often, when we hear this phrase, something frightening appears before our eyes, something that could have happened to a child and ruined his life forever. But this is not always the case.
Childhood traumas include more than just extreme events. They can also include developmental traumas, when a child, while growing up, did not receive important resources and skills from parents or caregivers.
So, at the earliest stage, from the moment of conception and up to about six months, in order to form a sense of security for the child, it is very important that the mother is nearby.
Here, physical contact and eye contact with the mother's loving eyes are of particular importance. If these elements are absent for some reason, the child feels unnecessary to this world, and the world itself - a place in which he is forced to "survive".
After all, for a helpless child, a world without a mother is a dangerous place.
If the mother was there, but then something happened: contact was lost, she moved away forever or temporarily, the child develops an abandonment trauma. In this case, he will go into his adult life with the fear of losing a loved one again.
The preconditions for dependent relationships appear, when a person is ready to do anything, just so that he is not abandoned again.
How Childhood Trauma Affects Married Life
For a full-fledged relationship, in which people can negotiate, find solutions that suit each other, and compromise, two are needed: an adult man and an adult woman. Moreover, “adulthood” should not only be on paper.
If one of the partners or both at once has a painful experience: abandonment, rejection, criticism and non-acceptance, physical or emotional violence from significant adults, at the moment of aggravation of the relationship they will fall into the zone of their emotional “woundedness”.
They will begin to feel their own helplessness, the need to "survive", and unfounded fear. There is no time to negotiate.
The main thing is to “save yourself”, “survive” or defend yourself, depending on what response pattern was learned in such situations in childhood.
What to do
We go into our future lives with the baggage of parent-child traumas and developmental stages that were not adequately completed for our age. Sometimes without even noticing how much these traumas influence our achievements or failures.
There comes a certain moment when it is time to finally sort out your luggage: choose from it what is useful and can be useful in the future, what can be transformed and taken with you in an updated form. And what has long been in the past.
It is extremely difficult to do this on your own, usually there is not enough experience and understanding of where to look, how to change everything. And here psychologists come to the rescue, who can provide professional assistance in this.
It is only important for this path to choose “your” specialist with experience in solving such requests, and simply someone who will inspire your trust and desire to interact.
