How to talk to children about divorce and parental quarrels

When parents quarrel, children experience stress.

They are very sensitive to the mood and attitude of adults towards each other and towards themselves.

Children learn from examples and perceive adults as subjects, those who experience pain and try in every way to blame others for it. From childhood, a person becomes dependent on circumstances and communication with his own kind.

Even teaching children new things and the educational process itself is a kind of manipulation of the child's desires and fears. Forgetting that the true freedom of a person is that "no one is obliged to be normal."

This is how the re-designation of mental trauma occurs in the analytical act. Instead, it is desirable to reduce didactics in relation to children, to teach children "without teaching", leaving them the choice for independent decisions, - says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .

According to the principle of post-Lacanian psychoanalysis, the effect of false recognition is the beginning of mental trauma.

Conditions for independent choice

Instead, one of the correct and justified ways of raising children in the context of their parents’ separation is to create conditions for independent choice.

Because it is the illusion of choice that gives birth to independence of opinions and decisions. And if it is impossible to make a choice, an affective mood disorder appears, even to the point of depression.

Stop looking for someone to blame

The feeling of guilt imposed in communication by adults on each other and on their children is presented almost as the basis of civilization. Typically, parents try to set their children against the other (parent), that is, they use a method of manipulation and children too - through self-expression, essentially - an outburst of emotions and local revenge.

But instead, one can follow other paths in the educational process.

Fantasy, surprise, pleasure and enjoyment

It is very interesting to get acquainted with the Japanese culture of family relations in crisis situations and to understand why the Japanese do not talk about problems with their wives.

Stress resistance and fantasy are two basic and interconnected qualities for adult relationships, and people gradually forget these from childhood – as they grow up. Pleasure and enjoyment are the factors that influence the structure of the psyche and worldview.

Fantasy (creativity), surprise, pleasure and enjoyment are the ways to distract children from a difficult situation in the family. By practicing these principles daily, long before it arises, you create immunity in case of “difficult times” and relationships.

Even when parting, parents should not introduce doubts about the value of family into the child's mind. Remember that your best pension is your children.

Case

Once I gave the children a twig and told them to break it. They did it without any difficulty. Then I gave them a bundle of flowers, and they could not break the bundle. I told them - "a bundle is like a family."

And by the evening they had made five bunches on their own initiative and brought them to me, presented them. This method of indirect education is not mentoring, on the contrary, it allows one to understand the essence better than any words.

By the same method - without ordering, without manipulating the child's consciousness (which is very difficult), with the understanding that the child is not a slave to the parents and is not a case of the embodiment of one's own unrealized ambitions in family life, career and moral and business qualities, you maintain the possibility of renewing high-quality and trusting family relationships or at least do not fall in the eyes of children who, growing up, fundamentally do not want to repeat your path and mistakes.

It is not so much people who are to blame, but rather inflated expectations of others, subsequent disappointments and unnecessary outbursts of emotions.

Earlier we named 3 popular educational techniques that parents should abandon.