Many of us probably heard various not very thoughtful phrases from our parents in childhood. Sometimes they simply caused bewilderment, and sometimes they could upset and even offend.
Not every parent is able to understand why certain words are incorrect or even dangerous for the child’s psyche.
"Who do you love more: dad or mom?"
It happens that even such seemingly obviously wrong questions are asked by some parents to their children.
Of course, it is possible that a loving child becomes more attached to one adult than the other, but will not voice this for ethical reasons. Just as a caring parent will never say which of their children they love the most.
There should be no hierarchy in family love; everyone is supposed to love each other equally.
What is better to say: “How do you like to spend time with your mom most?”, “And with your dad?”
"Is the bride/groom already in kindergarten?"
This question is often asked as a joke, but it can be very confusing and disconcerting to a child, who will probably take it seriously and as an expectation placed on him to find a partner as soon as possible. There is no point in worrying children about something that they should not worry about at their age.
What is better to ask: “Who are you friends with in kindergarten?”, “Who do you like to play with the most?”
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Probably one of the most popular and unpleasant parental questions. The child does not yet have time to properly know himself, and adults already begin to ask about plans for the future and the chosen profession. Often this only creates pressure and confusion in one's own desires.
What is better to ask: “What do you like to do?”, “Are you interested in anything?”
"Who would you like more: a sister or a brother?"
Don't be surprised if the child angrily replies that he doesn't want anyone. Firstly, he has no way of deciding who will appear.
And secondly, the birth of a younger brother or sister is already a significant stress for children, who will have to come to terms with the idea that they will no longer be the center of love for their parents. Such a question can make things worse.
"Why did Vova succeed and you didn't?"
A very rude phrase, not only does not help improve the situation, but also hurts the child's self-esteem. It instills in him the automatic thought that he is stupid and inept, and therefore there is no point in trying to do anything.
It is correct to compare children only with themselves in the past. After all, all children are different, and each has their own path of development.
What's better to say: "Do you need help figuring this out? Let's try to solve this problem together."
"I don't care if everyone in the class got a D! I want to know why you got one?"
If the whole class has problems with the results, then the question should be addressed to the teacher. After all, grades are far from always fair.
It is also important to understand that after getting a bad grade, a child still wants support, not condemnation. Relationships are more important than grades, don't forget.
What's better to say: "I'm really sorry you couldn't solve the test. But don't worry, I've gotten bad grades too."
"Change here, no one will look, and who needs you anyway"
A rather humiliating phrase, offensive in several directions at once: disregard for boundaries and needs, unconsciously calling the child ugly and not arousing any interest.
A parent who says such a phrase loses reliability in the eyes of their child and does not provide them with protection at this delicate moment.
What's better to say: "Let's go to that corner and I'll close you in so no one can see."
"How are things at school?"
Many children, upon returning from school, want to take a break from it first. And such questions rushing to meet them are very irritating. An adult would probably experience similar emotions if someone immediately started asking him how things were at work after a hard day.
It is better to say: "How was your day?" Or better yet, first tell an adult how his day went. The child can respond in kind.
Conclusion
Saying thoughtless phrases is clearly not something parents should do. Any careless word can hurt a child, so it is necessary to choose the right options for dialogue.
Sometimes it is useful for an adult to imagine himself in the place of children and think about how he would feel if this or that phrase was addressed to him. Or to consult a specialist to immediately find out which phrases he should forbid himself.
Earlier we talked about why you need to teach your child how to handle money.
