Every parent wants their child to grow up confident, courageous and successful.
But sometimes the most ordinary words that we consider harmless become poison for the child’s psyche.
They subtly undermine self-esteem, kill curiosity and teach you to doubt every step you take.
These phrases are heard in every family, on playgrounds and in school corridors.
And even the most loving parents don't notice how they program their children for failure. You'd be surprised how often you do it.
The first phrase is, “You always do everything wrong!” It seems like a simple expression of irritation, but the child perceives it as a death sentence. His brain remembers: “I’m clumsy. I’ll never succeed.” Over time, he stops trying new things – why try if it’s always going to be “wrong”?
Instead, try switching the focus. When your child spills juice, drops a plate, or stains a new jacket, say, “Let’s think about how to fix this. I’ll help.” This will teach your child not to be afraid of mistakes, but to see them as problems that need to be solved.
The second dangerous phrase is “Don’t interfere, I’ll do it myself.” Parents say it with the best of intentions: to save time, avoid a mess, or protect the child from risk. But each such situation is a lesson in helplessness. The child learns: “My hands are not capable of anything. It’s better to do nothing.”
The next time he wants to wash the dishes or tie his shoelaces, instead of stopping, ask, “Show me how you imagine it. If something goes wrong, I’ll back you up.” Even if the result is far from ideal, praise the attempt: “You tried really hard! Next time, do it more carefully.”
The third phrase is: “Masha from the next door is already reading, and you…” Comparison with other children is not motivation, but a blow to self-esteem. The child begins to believe that he is valued only for his achievements, and not for who he is. He either falls into perfectionism (“I have to be better than everyone else”), or gives up (“I’ll never catch up anyway”).
Instead, compare it to yesterday. Say, "You read two more words today than yesterday! I see how hard you're trying." This teaches you to compete only with yourself and to appreciate small victories.
The fourth phrase is “Don’t cry, it’s nothing!” For adults, a scraped knee or a broken toy is a trifle. But for a child, it’s a tragedy that he’s experiencing for the first time. By devaluing his feelings, you’re giving the message: “Your emotions aren’t important. You have no right to be sad or angry.” In the future, he’ll begin to suppress his emotions, which will lead to anxiety or aggression.
Try a different approach. Give him a hug and say, “I know you’re hurting. Let’s hold hands until it gets better.” This shows that his feelings matter and that you’re a reliable support.
The fifth phrase is “You can’t do this.” It’s often said “for safety’s sake”: so that the child doesn’t fall off a slide, burn himself with tea, or take on a difficult task. But these words become a voice in his head that whispers, “Don’t even try.” He grows up to be a person who is afraid to take risks and turns away from opportunities.
It is better to warn honestly about the danger, but give a chance to try. For example: "The hill is high, let me be nearby. If you get scared, I will pick you up." Or: "This knife is sharp. Let me show you how to cut with it, and you repeat."
These phrases are not just words. They are the building blocks of personality. They form fear, uncertainty, and the habit of giving up. But the good news is that language can be “reprogrammed.” Start today: replace criticism with support, comparisons with belief in uniqueness, and prohibitions with possibilities. And years from now, your child will thank you not for perfect grades, but for teaching him to believe in himself.
