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Why You Shouldn't Suppress Anger
05.02.2023 21:04
Updated: 13.04.2023 21:10
The emotions of anger and rage are traditionally considered negative.
Valery Gut, PhD in Psychology and developer of the theory of adaptive intelligence, explained why you shouldn’t suppress anger.
In society, it is not accepted to openly show them, and in religion, anger is considered a mortal sin. Uncontrolled outbursts of rage affect relationships and can lead to a break with a loved one, so people try not to give free rein to their feelings.
However, you shouldn't hold back. Here's why.
Negative energy is also energy
In fact, there are no good or bad emotions. They are embedded in us by nature and are all equally important for the body. Emotions are a signaling system that lets us know what is happening to us and the environment.
Anger is one of the basic emotions. It appears in moments of danger, when we feel a threat to something important to us and want to protect our interests. Anger mobilizes the body's vital forces and resources and gives us energy for retaliatory actions.
Healthy aggression encourages us to fight back, to defend our opinions or personal boundaries. In business, healthy anger helps to cope with competition or successfully overcome a crisis. The more difficult the situation, the tougher you sometimes have to act.
If our defensive reaction is inadequate to the situation we find ourselves in, then we are dealing with an unhealthy manifestation of anger. When we become so involved in a conflict that the emotional storm overwhelms us, it will most likely lead to tragic consequences.
This state can be compared to an ice slide. Once we climb it, sit down, push off and rush down, it will be impossible to stop.
At the peak of emotions, we can not only say cruel words, destroy something, but also go as far as physical violence. Such behavior causes suffering to our loved ones and destroys all the good that was created before.
It is impossible to suppress anger completely
It is a mistake to think that when we hold back anger towards the person who caused this feeling, we are thus protecting him from aggressive influence.
But in many cases, the energy of anger is sublimated into equally destructive and unproductive forms of behavior - silent resentment or sarcastic remarks. Some people may "sulk" and not communicate with their partner for days. This leads to unsaid things and resentments, which are also not good for the relationship.
It is better not to hold back your emotions, but to honestly and openly tell your partner what exactly is annoying. It is important to do this calmly and through "I-messages" - to talk about what we ourselves are experiencing.
The term "I-messages" was coined by the American psychologist Thomas Gordon. He conducted psychotherapeutic work with children and noticed that such statements contribute to a constructive dialogue. When we say "I feel", "I don't like" - we take responsibility for our emotions.
This reduces tension between the interlocutors - the partner does not have the feeling that he is being attacked and needs to defend himself.
When we talk about our negative emotions, we seem to show others the “dark sides” of our personality. In this way, we demonstrate our trust and give them the opportunity to share what they are not happy with, to free themselves from their negativity.
Such sincere conversations will only strengthen the relationship, making it deeper and closer.
Unexpressed anger is directed inward
When we don't let anger out, it stays inside and destroys us. "Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to the one on whom it is poured out," said Mark Twain.
Aggression that a person directs at himself can result in psychosomatic illnesses. Often, accumulated irritation and anger are expressed unconsciously, for example, through self-sabotage. A person may experience apathy, disappointment and self-doubt.
One of the founders of family therapy, American psychotherapist Carl Whitaker believes that the nature of aggression is connected with vital energy, libido and passion. Therefore, when we restrain aggression, we suppress our confidence too.
In an attempt to cope with anger, a person may overeat or, conversely, refuse to eat. In addition to eating disorders, internal aggression leads to various types of addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling), a tendency to take risks (extreme driving), self-harm (lip biting, nail biting) and even suicide.
In order for anger not to harm us or our loved ones, it is worth studying this emotion better. When we understand its causes, learn to track the moment of its origin, then it will be easier to cope with anger.
