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Why You Shouldn't Get In Touch With Your Ex
30.08.2024 11:00
Memories of “ex” are a kind of irritant to the emotional background, that is, emotions that are in demand by a person.
It is not correct to talk about which of the former partners has more or less of them, because this is connected with a complex of reasons, characteristic features, experience of effective and safe reactions to almost similar situations.
As for communication mistakes, everyone makes them.
And in general, they are explained by the characteristics of the human psyche - the emotional background, the characteristics of the situation (demand and habit), as well as motives (goal setting) at a specific time.
No person can always (in all possible circumstances) know exactly either his own reactions, or even more so the reactions of others, to certain stimuli that he has not yet experienced.
Because to assume does not mean not to be mistaken, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
Whether it is worth contacting exes is a rather rhetorical question, because any discussion is controversial, and everyone chooses the path that is most comfortable for their psyche and harmonious emotional background.
For some, such connections are unpromising, while for others they are really useful, conditionally dividends, bring pleasure, flatter vanity and increase confidence. Nevertheless, there are motives and reasons for typical decisions.
Women's motives
Typically, after a final breakup, women do not break off the relationship completely: the activity of contacts, trust (confidence) in communication decreases, during the breakup, verbal claims in the manner of “you are to blame for everything” increase, but the man is not subsequently radically excluded from communication.
Moreover, social networks regularly monitor who visited her account and when.
A woman, with rare exceptions related to character and situations, does not want to break off communication with her ex, but she also does not want to argue with her “present” one about communication with different partners, including exes.
But how should a man react to his partner's communication with her exes, when it's time to put the question bluntly? There is no clear answer, in each situation it will be individual.
An interesting example, in addition to many well-known others, is offered in the novel “The Golden Calf” (I. Ilf, E. Petrov, first title “The Great Schemer”) in the episode of the relationship in the triangle of Vasily Lokhankin, his wife Varvara and engineer Ptiburdukov.
To the “real” partner, asking a question like “why are you communicating if you don’t need him?”, the “ex” is positioned as a “friend”, sometimes with a sarcastic subtext – “for fun”, but real women’s emotions are much deeper.
The typical woman's position in relation to her male "ex" is ambiguous.
There are two sides of motivation with contradictory properties: demonstrative (for society and oneself) and a real need to communicate with someone who was interesting, gave new knowledge, experience, feelings, or was able to change her in terms of character.
The first side is shown, the second is kept silent from the public. On the one hand, "it's all in the past", "it was a mistake", "she died so she died", "I'm better than him".
On the other hand, "I sometimes visit his sites", "I always leave the window open", "we can communicate as friends" - such specific and typical answers have been obtained from various studies and experience. In addition, common interests can also remain between former partners - both material and non-.
An example would be common children, caring for them, paying a joint mortgage, a common home in Finland, and other mutually relevant obligations. Such contacts literally last a lifetime, are actualized to varying degrees and at different times, right up to the renewal of close relationships and betrayals in relation to other, already "real" partners.
The above motives can be explained in different ways. In the first case (demonstration), actions and reactions give her confidence. It is important for almost anyone if a man remembers her in one way or another.
All this increases her confidence that she is in demand, interesting, desirable, in general, that she is remembered. Even negatively colored memories say a lot about her and him. He cannot forget, which means he suffers, loves, had or has strong feelings.
In this sense, in the first months and years after a breakup, negative memories can be tolerated better than complete and prolonged silence from the “ex”.
If the ex shows up after a year(s), usually in communication - they can take different forms - they also do not refuse him, but analyze him with an eye to their own benefit.
Typical questions that arise are "What does he need and why?, What can I get from such communication?". Reactions to the resumption of relations will be made based on the answer to this question.
The motives for reactions to the renewal of old relationships between men and women differ. A woman is typically oriented towards help from a man, which can often be heard in the figure of speech "well, you are a man" and the corresponding role expectations, and is also subject to constant reflection on comparison.
They compare themselves with another woman, other male partners, their qualities, reactions and emotions and gifts (in various forms of help) brought into the life of a particular woman, their achievements are compared with the achievements of their friends, and so on. Even female comparisons between mother and daughter, between sisters sometimes have significance.
One can talk or write as much as one wants about such phenomena, but one must once and for all recognize them as typical, natural, and therefore unchangeable in expectations.
And only this step of “accepting” the given will help partners to perceive each other more correctly, and therefore, to predict actions and reactions with a greater degree of realism.
Men's motives are different: first of all, the predictability of the partner, a strong rear (if the relationship takes the form of a family) and the ability on her part to be the best "other half", that is, wisdom and the prevalence of understanding over hysteria or unrealistic demands.
Benefits for men
Despite previous thoughts and tendencies, women often help men without even expecting it.
It's not about compassion, a concept almost forgotten in the age of hedonistic attitudes toward events, the need to personally influence and shine. Although compassion can be called a trait typically inherent in women. And this is not bad not because men are obliged to "use it on occasion", but because it is wonderful in general.
To conditionally influence a typical woman, including an “ex”, you need to be successful and independent, and therefore confident.
At least in some things, there are many options, that which cannot be replaced with the help of others, that is, we are talking about a bright individuality, uniqueness and the ability (skills) to withstand the blow of circumstances, not to fall “before the shot”.
The conditional "communication restriction detox" also helps a woman who loves comparisons to understand the diversity of the world of men and their qualities. Find several ways to replenish assets and be conditionally independent. Have qualities that are not available to the same extent to other men.
It is impossible to come up with complete independence, but it is quite possible to get close to it. The same applies to the bright individuality of a woman, unique and irreplaceable, until she meets another one – with the same and higher competencies.
Some conclusions
Of course, everything said is a generalization and a conversation about the typical. There are other examples. In the above, there are almost no hints of feelings, and this is a very important factor for motivation and action. Further, much depends on the person's motives - what does he/she want and how does he/she feel?
Relations between "formers" cannot be renewed only from one side.
This requires the desires and actions of both. There is a way out and it is accessible: when resuming communication, talk about the interlocutor, hobbies, remember interesting stories; such a conversation will become fascinating and can be a bridge to continuing communication.
This is a kind of psychological intervision of friendship of "former" - an intercollegiate method of working on equal terms with different professional experience and approach. Mutual consultation or friendly exchange of experience.
This approach to corrective work on relationships, including using one’s own experience as an example, allows one to improve one’s vision (options) of solutions to such and, in general, all difficulties in the world.
To refuse already existing assets and their prospects does not correspond to the typical nature of both genders. Well, who would want to lose something achieved or good, positioned by comfort and quality of life? On the contrary, in the modern society of acquirers the trend for "development" is exactly like that.
Therefore, the main thing that can explain the renewal of relations between “formers” is the desire to get the same unsurpassed emotions that happened before.
If you want to live emotionally calmly and harmoniously, you need to understand that it is better in relation to a woman - oblivion. In business - do not put "all your eggs in one basket".
If a man manages to do this, it is one of the best decisions not only to "start a new life" but also to be happy. But this works if the once outstanding qualities of the "former" are leveled by completely new and better impressions.
It is important to take into account changing priorities. The same applies to both genders.
