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How a man should act in a quarrel: do not give in to the influence of a woman, without offending her
24.01.2024 21:29
Before any discussion or even reading, it is extremely important to form your own independent attitude.
Because each significant word in the title may have a non-contradictory, but different meaning depending on the attitude of a particular reader or researcher, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
For clarification, we will provide expert definitions that do not repeat, but also do not contradict, generally accepted ones.
In the proposed context, “influence” is an action consciously directed toward a specific subject or group of persons, with the motive (and goal) of achieving the result desired by the initiator.
“Resentment” is an emotional state that is uncomfortable in terms of quality of life, in which a person, through the actions or inactions of another (or a group of people), loses the ability to perceive them in a neutral or positive way.
As for defining a woman, we will only add that your attitude towards her also determines the degree of influence of resentment and other emotions (internal and external) on you. Sometimes you meet a person. You think to yourself: seems normal.
Then you take a closer look - no, the same as you. Thus, it is important to evaluate a woman and her role in your life and perception, because you cannot quarrel with a wall, and complications, influence or a state of happiness arise there and then, when you want it and expect certain reactions from a specific person.
At the same time, for all people, regardless of status, happiness is measured by closeness. Accordingly, closeness can be different, including emotional ("platonic").
We determine our attitude towards her and towards events
Do you need it? That's a rhetorical question. Of course you do, otherwise you wouldn't be doing it all this time. Now look at how a typical attitude to events is formed.
The thing is that when perceiving information, the human brain first “feels” and then “thinks”. The emotional component is present in any perception. Typically, we evaluate and animate everything, not just a “house”, but a “beautiful” or “ugly house”, and so on.
The same applies to another person, "a sunset, a bolt of lightning, a flower, a dimple in the cheek, a hangnail, a cockroach, the taste of quinine, Saumur, the color of the soil in Umbria, and to the same extent to the sound of a tone at 1000 Hz and the appearance of the letter Q." This rationale was offered by Robert Zajonc in his monograph Feelings and Thoughts: Preferences Require No Inferences (1980).
The brain reacts almost instantly: the difference in the brain's perception of funny and scary pictures can be detected in 100-120 milliseconds.
This is because emotions are not caused by thinking; instead, thinking explains the emotions that arise. Research shows convincingly that the “emotional brain” makes decisions faster than the “rational brain.” These two systems are usually called the conscious and the subconscious.
So... You get off the bus, and... there's a big puddle in front of you. The subjective irritation you feel - the culprit was the bus driver who stopped at the puddle, your husband, the fascists, or stale bread - this is just irritation as a result of a neurochemical reaction in the brain.
This does not change either the puddle or the driver. Effective therapy is relatively simple and accessible without the help of a specialist. Something like this: the bread may be stale, but the sausage is excellent.
The bus driver "doesn't know how to drive", but he has an eagle eye, like Napoleon Bonaparte, and he tells funny jokes. And political discourse is nothing more than a conventional set of lines, with the help of which a group of people negotiate with each other.
The question is not why a woman offended you, and you are about to scold her in response; but why exactly you react to her words in this way and what to do about it - you, and not her, not a politician or a driver. That is why it is important to correctly form an attitude towards people and events, and it is desirable to do this taking into account your own critical thinking.
Practical example
Let's consider the practical part of the recommendations. Something like this, please provide the details of your situation yourself.
"It's all your fault," she says. "You can't be relied upon, but at least I didn't pick up bad manners from you." Is it offensive? Well, partly, yes. Especially since it's impossible to understand exactly what was meant, and if you ask for clarification, it could drag on for "a day." And it's not at all a fact that she meant to insult you. It's clear that you expected a different, softer, more gentle, or, in your opinion, fairer communication. But what is, is.
You answer sensibly something like this: "Okay, I see, your barbs don't bother me. It's not a good idea to take bad things from you either, I have enough of my own... I'll get busy, it's better now than to bicker with you."
And after (when possible) a few hours, send her your sincere, and not flattering (which is necessary, because you won’t deceive anyone) opinion that you won’t find another such beloved in the world.
It's not difficult. But sometimes, when a man is "immersed in the situation", it is very difficult.
Two important paths
Based on the above, in order not to succumb to a woman’s influence without offending her, it is necessary to ensure impeccable tactics and act simultaneously in two roles: limit your perception of her influence and respond to her in a way that is pleasant (expected) or at least neutral to her.
It is necessary to pay attention to two more conditions. It is necessary to answer: by doing so you confirm your interest in a relationship with her, which she fully expects if you have formed a couple and feelings for each other.
In this case, "going into the hole" of sociopathy is not the best way out. As for complete ignoring, the effectiveness of this path is determined by the nuances of the situation and personalities, characteristic features and role expectations, and such an action is good only when your lady does not represent or no longer represents value to you.
Don't wind yourself up
Overthinking is an English term meaning (in translation) “to wind up”, cyclical negative thinking (let’s introduce this designation – CNM), and in relation not only to the past, but also to the future.
It is usually positioned as "excessive thinking in regret about the past", but the problem is much broader. It is connected with fear. In order to remove or reduce the problem, it is necessary to understand its causes.
To understand the cause-and-effect relationship of the CNM, let us recall the main motives of human life and behavior. A person wants to shine and influence (on others, on his life), to preserve accumulated assets, strives to realize his own ambitions, some of which concern heirs, children, relatives.
Wants to control the space around him. What is a conditionally medically healthy person afraid of, because fear is the strongest emotion, stronger than love and affection? Afraid of the unknown, and also of what he knows about himself. Afraid to such an extent that sometimes fears change the quality of life for the worse.
Prolonged emotions of fear cause a stable negative state and even a habit - anxiety. Anxiety is directly related to the desire to control everything, perfectionism actualizes worst-case scenarios in thinking.
So, you're scared. Of losing her. That "right now" it will all end... But... everyone is scared. A man's behavior is determined not by the presence of fears, but by the ability to overcome them.
Be tolerant
Forget about the insults that typically characterize weakness and the weak.
It is quite clear that emotions do not arise by themselves (“you can’t quarrel with a wall”) and are provoked not only by circumstances, but also by a specific woman (sometimes intentionally, often through thoughtlessness, because for many, a “man” is the same unknown cosmic subject as a woman is for a man).
It is clear that there are cases, including under the influence of the cumulative effect, when it is extremely difficult to restrain oneself. However, it is you who choose the attitude to events and subsequent reactions.
Do not act publicly. Tell even "friends" what you do not want "enemies" to know. Public statements characterize, first of all, you, and not the situation, which is influenced by many factors, and the result is not obvious in time.
Limit your ambitions
The above follows from the previous. If you are a man, we understand you. A woman is conditionally lower than you on the hierarchical ladder - that's how it seems to you subjectively, but it's highly debatable. No one is higher than the other.
But sometimes delusions can play a fatal role. You want to "show" her that (insert the appropriate word) you are a man, you are the boss here, without you she will be lost, you will find someone better than her in half an hour. And so on.
Some of this may be true in a specific situation. But mostly - no, because it's just emotions. And in this state, forbid yourself to react at all.
If you can't brighten up the conversation with something pleasant, then it's better to keep quiet. And especially don't drink alcohol before emotional communication with a woman - it will harm both, because the result of communication in a couple is always either good or it hurts both.
This remark especially concerns the format of remote communication (messengers and the Internet), when the same text by the sender and the recipient - due to the impossibility of reflecting intonation - can be understood, and often happens, incorrectly.
So, the summary for this section is that you don’t need to “show” her anything from your ego and pride.
If you have it, good - keep it to yourself, because a self-confident man does not need anyone's approval or criticism (until he asks), and even more so does not need a woman's resentment for what he does in a state of extreme emotional excitement.
Improve yourself, don't change her
All positive results are achieved through repetition and practice.
In this area, sports activities will be very timely to help a man - any available, starting even with small loads, you will soon feel better.
And emotionally too. Together with these relatively new or well-forgotten impressions, as a rule, new acquaintances and new impressions come; thus, self-confidence is reasonably increased and confirmed, and this is an excellent “driver” for developing and improving oneself.
To overcome CNM, “excessive thinking” or Overthinking (as you like), in terms of recommendations, everything said above is suitable, because in order to get away from negative obsessive thoughts, they need to be compensated for, replaced by others.
Leave aside subjective value judgments (for example, about how she underestimated you and how unhappy you are, “useless” and how bad you feel). As compensation for negative thoughts, even more vivid emotions of surprise are needed.
To be surprised, a change of social circle, circumstances or “pictures before your eyes” is necessary; thus, we are talking about traveling and, in general, about realizing a long-standing dream. When else can you do this if not now?
