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A psychologist told how to build long-term personal relationships: only a few know this secret
30.12.2023 18:00
There are no ideal, even, long-lasting relationships with unchanging quality (as well as those who are satisfied with everything and always), but there are people who are able to tolerate each other’s shortcomings, including having gone through comparative experience.
And for the sake of a common goal, maintaining a union of personal and close to harmonious relations for many years.
From the causal aspects of the formation of personal relationships, two typical, important components can be distinguished.
The first is the problem of narcissism, when we act in the part of self-realization inherent to a person, without subjecting ourselves to critical thinking (we do not see how much it hurts or pleases the partner), and the second is the problem of the moral ideal, felt subjectively, through the prism of one’s own ideas about the partner, in other words, the problem of choosing and subordinating the other to one’s interests.
The problem with long-term personal relationships is that almost everyone is hampered by subjective ideas about what a partner should be like and how they should act, but attention to the partner’s interests fades into the background.
The mental mechanism of the emergence of a moral feeling of the irreplaceability of another is the same for all people and is associated with the assessment of the ideal, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
The problem of narcissism
The need for personal relationships of conditionally healthy people ("there are no healthy people, there are those who have not been examined enough") is defined as unconditionally pleasant. Why in healthy and therefore promising personal relationships the use of negative epithets (for a fundamental remake of the partner) is logically unjustified and even stupid.
The problem of ideal and choice
The ideal, as a moral feeling – an innate and changeable in the conditions of comparison evaluation mechanism, is also transformed in a formal sense taking into account circumstances and experience, this is called flexibility of thinking without losing fundamental positions.
In the story "Marriage" by N.V. Gogol there is also this: "if Nikanor Ivanovich's lips were attached to Ivan Kuzmich's nose, and if Baltazar Baltazarich's cheekiness were added, and, perhaps, Ivan Pavlovich's portliness were added to that, then I would immediately decide. However, in personal relationships the subjunctive mood is impossible.
The desire for personal happiness, tailored according to one’s own patterns, without being limited by “looking back” at one’s partner, leads to attempts to coerce by action, leading to the realization of an invented need for something better in everyday life.
And it is known that need is a sense of duty in its pure form and is associated with overcoming obstacles, the strain of a person’s physical and spiritual strength, when ideas about coercion, duty, and violence are associated with ideas about moral obligation or the only possible “path” for a relationship with a partner.
The illusion of “must correspond” to certain desires is connected with the spiritual nature, the character of a person, therefore, one must not forget, while respecting another, that the moral law is prescribed by the person himself, and not by another, influencing him without an alternative.
Hence the vicious practice of moral education of a partner, attempts to awaken moral feelings through pressure, orders and punishments - the “closer-further” method.
In high-quality personal relationships, when partners check their plans and actions with the partner’s opinion, trusting him, a feeling of affection is formed first, then indispensability and love for the ideal.
In this case, including after comparative experiments, which fill the life of a physiologically healthy person, the partner, although having his inherent shortcomings, comes closer in understanding the other to his desired ideal.
Stupid things in relationships
The most stupid thing, which destroys trust and generally interferes with harmonious relationships based on mutual understanding, is to try to remake another person, and even more so to “show” him your dissatisfaction, to force, to try to influence with different methods, among which the most popular is the regulation of attention in the manner of “closer-further”.
This desire to show one’s capabilities, strength, endurance, independence, authority or autonomy (to show oneself without dependence on another) never leads to a good result and is the precursor to major interpersonal conflicts.
Is it worth remembering that these human reactions are based on the egoistic principle of people and, in general, pride.
What to do
One of the important recommendations, in addition to paying attention to the interests of the partner, is trusting communication.
And if you outline joint plans, ways to implement them - follow them, because predictability is extremely important in family relationships - this is not a breathtaking roller coaster.
Otherwise, if the phenomenon is systematic, you become incomprehensible, misunderstood and there is no trust. Who will like it, even if you bring a hundred arguments on the situation?
The hackneyed maxim or dogma of faith "love one another" (implied - no matter what) does not help, since deeds (actions) are also needed. At the same time, it is necessary to evaluate your actions critically, and not strive to be "always right" - to leave "the last word to yourself" - akin to a clinic.
This way you won't change anyone, he/she will simply go to another person or to activities that don't entail strong emotional experiences - trials are sent to everyone, but rarely does anyone want them voluntarily. Therefore, wise people don't gossip about others (shortcomings), but try to change themselves.
If your partner notices these changes or even attempts, then he/she will certainly, cherishing you, follow your example, become infected with "reciprocity", and value you even more. This only works with the condition of reciprocity.
In other cases, the partner lives with you and tolerates shortcomings due to dependence or a conditional hopelessness of the situation. And such relationships are fragile.
Don't be afraid to "lose" in personal relationships, it's always better than emerging as a conditional winner with yet another unprocessed mental trauma.
Over time, you understand both your ex-partner and his conditions (reasons for personal actions), and those who build long-term and happy relationships in a couple differ from others in that they have the gift of foresight, give in to each other in time, and do not wait for life to confirm certain scenarios for the development of relationships.
This is the main basis for long-term and happy family relationships: be able to tolerate the shortcomings of the other, and ask questions more often - first of all, not to the other, but to yourself: why am I doing this, what do I want to get, what will be his answer, and what will happen tomorrow. If the partner is "yours" - he does the same, preserving you.
Relationships are built by two people. And they are responsible for it.
Earlier we talked about why quarrels and scandals in the family began to occur more often .
