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Psychologist Andrey Kashkarov told how to survive a breakup with a loved one
29.11.2023 21:04
It is not the separation itself that causes anxiety, but the emotions associated with the fact that you are losing a close, understandable and understanding person, essentially, one of millions of people who you trusted.
A replacement for emotions and a new hobby are needed. But this does not always mean a replacement for a partner in the physiological sense.
Hence the complexity of the “process”; if it were not for emotions, attachment and feelings, separations would be unnoticeable for a person, because both the “heart” and “thoughts” act on him.
It is unlikely that this happens with crocodiles and spiders... they break up and do not even understand why. But a person is a social animal, he passes all emotions through himself, and the sphere of feelings is developed in everyone, but they manifest themselves to varying degrees.
Breakups are an inevitable outcome of personal relationships when two people interact and hurt each other.
And the most sensitive are people with TDO – a subtle mental organization; they, of course, need special protection from emotions, - said psychologist Andrey Kashkarov .
Those who experience separation from the object of their former affection best are those who have hobbies, stable and long-standing hobbies, a habit of a healthy lifestyle and sports, and live in a world of their own making - as a rule, creative natures; these people are not bored with themselves.
Peculiarities of the situation
It is necessary to distinguish: a separation for good or a "temporary business trip" with the preservation of affection. The very concept of separation and the emotions associated with it suggests that the other feels that a replacement for a specific loved one does not exist or has not been found.
Otherwise, everything would be simple - as if you lost your gloves (went to the store and bought new ones).
Hence it is clear: what we feel, we “experience”. If we had to live in a world where there was no woman with whose name you wake up far away from her and with whose name and thought you fall asleep, the world would be less interesting. However, to each his own. Some people get along quite well without women. And nevertheless, the world “would be”.
Who is it typical for?
The problem of longing for the Other, regret about unfulfilled dreams and memories of good things, among other things, is peculiar only to humans.
Only man, of all the known creations of the Universe, “animates” the relationship with another, which makes people codependent. Mammals with “higher intelligence,” such as dogs or even killer whales, do not reach the level of affection characteristic of humans, although they come close to it.
Mice or spiders are also unlikely to be able to feel sad...
With experience, each person develops protective practices (mechanisms). You can appear indifferent on the outside, while inside a fire of feelings and experiences is burning.
As the Finnish proverb correctly notes, "I'm all on fire." For a person with a delicate mental organization, it is important to "put up a barrier" to excessive sensuality and think that "I don't care." Similar to the maxim, "to avoid thinking badly about people, it's better not to think about them at all."
Saves time
Time passes and the emotions associated with separation become dull. For those who are able to find a replacement for the former attachment.
According to well-known and open statistics, there are more men (relative to women) who return to past relationships after some time or are potentially ready for them.
This is connected with both emotional and physiological needs (conditional polygamy) and memory. Women treat this somewhat differently.
What to do
Change the environment and the "picture before your eyes". This could be cultural events, projects, travel. Get lost in work. In no case leave yourself a free minute to think about the past. Do some sports.
That is, conventionally speaking, "kill time." Devalue the former partner, see negative traits in him. Find a replacement. These are commonplaces known to all adults. How to devalue is correctly noted in "Tristan's Couplets" (words by M. Donskoy, music by G. Gladkov):
"If you are too greedy for women, Look for flaws in charms. Everything will immediately become much simpler: The girl is slender, we will say: power!" and so on - get acquainted with the outstanding creation of psychological thought yourself.
Let's add a little. Take up a previously unknown craft. You can still find such around, pay attention to the professional spheres of your acquaintances and master a new specialty, area of activity.
There are many courses for this. This will get you interested in something new, and this will help reduce the risks of past memories with a tragic bias. In addition, the method promotes personal development.
It helps quite well and is literally captivating to read.
Make it a habit to be interested in classical (or modern) literary heritage and read books at least before going to bed. It is precisely this fascinating world of dreams and empathy (with the author of the book) that gives a new attachment.
Many books contain wisdom of life, and not a single book is complete without at least a few "smart thoughts" worthy of your reflection - who needs what. In addition, there are many other methods.
The key is to occupy your mind with something other than cyclical (or occasional) memories of the past.
And best of all, don’t part with your loved ones.
