Psychologist Andrey Kashkarov told how to get out of an abusive relationship: advice
Abusive relationships are characterized not only by physical violence, which in the civilized world can still be avoided by outside forces, including law enforcement, but most often by psychological violence.
When the roles of “aggressor-abuser” and “victim” are more or less clearly traced.
However, the concept of abuse itself is multifaceted: attempts and implementation of violence in various forms - yes, but the difficulty of diagnosing or recognizing the situation is that “psychological” pressure can be short-term, a situational manifestation, then the conditional aggressor, under the influence of resistance or even for other reasons, “calms down” and stops “influencing”, weakens dependence on himself.
It is also necessary to distinguish between the motives and personality of the abuser, mental qualities, and typical style of behavior, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
Next, we will consider the psychological features of pressure on the Other, as an element of abuse. It is generally accepted that the role of the abuser is typically taken on by a man (especially in the form of force). But this is not always the case. Can abuse be from a woman? Yes, it can.
Especially from a person prone to narcissistic behavior. Also, abuse can be experienced not only in interpersonal relationships, but also from relatives and colleagues. The main thing that characterizes aggression is an animated direction. It is impossible to threaten a wall or influence a roller-asphalt-paver.
From this it is clear that the abuser's behavior can change during the process of influence, depending on the behavior (reflection) of the victim. And this is another difficulty in a clear diagnosis, however, it does not cancel the very concept of aggression of one person towards another.
To get out of an abusive relationship, you first need to identify it, diagnose it. That is, in order not to make a mistake in the definition, you need to observe the person (partner), identify the style of behavior and relationships with others; this will take time.
But if the partner behaves the same way in similar situations, trying to dictate conditions (especially in an ultimatum manner), that is, to influence the other and thus manipulate, then with a high degree of probability it can be recognized that it is the abuser who acts this way. Even if he does not touch you with a finger, but influences, say, with words. This is a type of psychological abuse.
It is not difficult to recognize it, you need to answer the question - are you comfortable with the actions of another (or even words). In fact, constant nagging, the desire to make another feel guilty for non-existent problems, attempts to level achievements and destroy both personal boundaries and the right to free decisions of another person, can also be conditionally considered abuse.
And in this aspect, some women sometimes succeed. Moreover, it is quite a common form of behavior when the abuser woman influences the victim woman, and an even more complicated case is when they (two ladies) change places. Yes, this also happens in family relationships. They say: "they torment each other" - this is exactly the case.
One way or another, the abuser shows objective signs. But how does he do it? Often the abuser himself is not fully aware that he is “pressuring” the Other, and is confident in his rightness, and even infallibility. Such cases are not uncommon. In criminal law, the motive is part of the subjective side, how a person himself relates to what he has done. If in relation to an ordinary person the motive can be assessed, then in relation to an abuser the situational sanity is questionable, hence it seems that there is no motive, and there is no abuse. These are the subtleties of diagnostics.
In psychological abuse, several cycles are distinguished. A state of rest, when the abuser in a conditionally harmonious emotional state passes under the influence of external (or internal, including the influence of alcohol, illness, and the associated change in blood composition) factors. Everything seems good, but this does not last long and passes into the stage of "everyday life", that is, a conditional norm. At this stage, the abuser's state changes to restless, but not yet critical for others.
In the next conditional stage, emotional tension grows (again under the influence of internal or external situational changes), then (the next stage) a push occurs - something makes the abuser "out of himself" (that's what they say - you, my mother, are out of your mind, and this is not about mothers) and - this is followed by an emotional breakdown on the one who is nearby.
Let's give some practical examples. You are talking to a woman "properly and nobly" (or chatting), it would seem that nothing foreshadows difficulties, and suddenly you get "flying" - "how you irritate me, and do you remember (a hundred years ago) what you did (hurt me - emotions); or in the chat - everything is going well, and suddenly pressure begins in the manner of "no, you are not reliable, do this or that, then I will believe you."
Hence another sign - suddenness of impact, the reasons for which we have explained above, and the Other does not see them without appropriate analysis. But there are always reasons. The next sign - abuse is an action, and it is aimed at creating dependence of one on the other, that is, a position that is beneficial to the abuser.
Often in an ultimatum tone and with the shifting of responsibility to the Other, who seems to have nothing to do with it (because the abuser was not paid social assistance for children, and thus the mood was spoiled). But emotions must have an outlet and the abuser instinctively (she is literally bursting) looks for someone to take it out on. As a rule, they take it out on loved ones, on those who are easier to “get”, who listens, who is nearby.
These are, in brief, the characteristics of female abuse (relatively speaking), because just as there is no female and male psychology, there is no concept of gender abuse, but there are typical signs and behavioral reactions.
So, next – a breakdown of emotions on the Other – abuse, psychological pressure, an outburst of emotions occurs, then the Other’s self-esteem is belittled; they try to impute a sense of guilt to him (this is more convenient to control and force to one’s will). Immediately after the outburst of emotions and even during the process of influence, the abuser seeks justification for his actions.
That is, "it is not my fault", but he, they, "it" - whoever. If you ask such a person to explain their behavior, then you will hear approximately these arguments: they hurt me, it is bad, you do not understand me, you are not capable, you do not know how, you are bad. It would seem to be manipulation. So that the Other feels guilty (it is not clear - for what).
But it is very convenient for people with a tendency to abusive reactions. Then again comes the conditional "peace" - see above the first stage of the conditional abusive cycle.
You can be a genius and calm a woman down in different ways, especially the banal “everything is fine, everything is calm, don’t worry, I love you, etc.”, and this even works, the abuser calms down (goes into a state of calm or routine). But… if this happens three times a day and for years, of course, you need to think about whether you need this.
It's one thing when you can't throw such a "relative" out of your life - you can't send a loved one to the galleys, and another thing - if this is a partner in marriage and a couple relationship, who literally and often "spoils the blood". Another way to deal with such situations helps - slowly and calmly, say, walking peacefully through the park and enjoying nature.
And yes, it works. But a man, as long as he needs a woman, is capable of doing all this. But he, too, may be “not in the mood” or emotionally exhausted. And then a truly local crisis occurs.
It is better for such people to separate, temporarily or forever, so as not to provoke each other and allow the abusers (without intent) to transfer all the “energy of influence” and “emotional breakdown” to other people.
Conventionally speaking, to move away in time so as not to be "splashed". Typically, in everyday life, such behavior is called bitchy, but it is more correct to define it as a "state of exacerbation" and abuse in the psychological form of influence.
