Psychologist Andrey Kashkarov told whether it is possible to heal a broken heart
It is better not to allow a situation with a broken heart, as it changes the emotional background towards suffering and experiences, however, sometimes very useful - people cannot yet deceive nature.
That is why many are afraid to fall in love. So that they don’t have to be treated later.
Apart from the radical method of “not allowing”, which can be understood by analogy as “not trusting”, you can only change yourself and change your attitude towards current and future events, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
Or to make events change, that is, to influence them.
But this is also impossible without effective, proactive, real steps; a passive position of waiting for “him to come and do everything” is unacceptable here: either he won’t come (who needs you?), or he’ll “do it his own way” (not like that, past “my expectations”), or he’ll ask for unacceptable conditions for personal changes.
The first thing you need to do after analyzing your past relationships and being in the process of healing from a broken heart is to accept the situation as a given and agree (a prerequisite for healing) that there is a problem and you are part of it. This is the beginning of recovery.
Many people, even in the 21st century, are still so romantic (and this is not a bad thing) that they dream and fantasize about love and happiness, while following a path that is far from perfect.
They put their preferences on display (demonstrate) for all to see, a signboard of talents, opportunities and achievements (someone has a beautiful wife - all assessments are subjective, someone has a career or real estate). Not everything is connected with material things, but a lot is.
To this triumvirate of possibilities and achievements they want to add (for themselves) universal wisdom about how, with all this pleasure, to be happy, to find that one and only one who will not only have a similar value system, protect from all the challenges of the world, give positive emotions and “give a chest” to cry on, but also a kindred spirit in everything – “your other half”, as they used to say.
Moreover, while declaring all these “charms of dreams”, they don’t lift a finger to change themselves, their habits and behavior (interaction).
That is, we are waiting for a person who will come to our signboard - a pie of imperfect desires and habits and suddenly fall in love with us... Such a knight is still walking somewhere... in the imagination of some.
It is not difficult to confirm this – read the requests, at least on dating sites (this is not a perfect occupation) or veiled “cries from the heart” in diaries, which can now be conventionally called posts on social networks; because no matter what a person talks about, he talks about himself.
And with thought and analysis people understand that he does not exist, in the ideal expression he and she do not exist. Personal relationships are always the work of two and their responsibility.
All this characterizes the problem of the discrepancy between real relationships in society today and dreaminess; the same conventional conflict of "head and heart" - in some it is developed to a greater degree, somewhere - to a lesser degree, at different times and in different circumstances - also in different ways. But the conflict exists.
When an object (similar to a dream) appears in the field of vision and communication, a modern person, literally yearning for love and trust in his soul, creates myths, endows the object with “outstanding and unsurpassed” qualities.
For a while, myths are enough. The most persistent - long-term in time lovers hold on when they "do work" towards each other.
It is clear that every couple carries out such work, but to what extent... to what level does the narcissism of an individual retreat and influence goal setting - this is a big question and everything develops differently.
Which basically shows that many people, even when yearning, do not know how to love in principle (and who taught them?); books are old and about the eternal are also not in fashion (and if they do read them, they understand how difficult it is to transfer that reality to the current hedonistic society, focused on pleasure and consumption), and the new culture “serves” new values and thus influences the conventional norm of behavior and ideas about personal relationships).
Now imagine that the Other approaches the matter in approximately the same way. By this we mean that there are reasons and grounds for everything.
We can talk about the problem a lot and for a long time; what to do is a question that worries many. How to heal when your heart is broken?
We will leave aside the standard methods – reading, sleeping, playing sports, increasing work activity, communicating in a cheerful company, discussing with friends or relatives, going on a trip, entering into a new romantic relationship and even talking to a psychologist.
This is obvious. You are not reading this to "wash" your brain with another dose of banality.
After you have acknowledged the problem and your own participation in it (through actions), and also (see above) agreed or disagreed with the general features of our turbulent times, regarding personal relationships and the influence on them, you need to draw conclusions about how you should not act (experiment with the Other) in the future.
The position changes from "not another jerk" to "next time I'll do it differently". Preferably taking into account at least his minimal interests and possibilities. That's the second thing.
To end a relationship, you have to devalue it; we talked about this earlier. The same path (or rather attempt) can take place in therapy for a broken heart. You try to think not about what was good, but about how badly he (she) behaved towards you.
Yes, it’s all subjective, and your opinion doesn’t make the Other person any better or worse.
But your heart lives more peacefully this way, it is less disturbed by memories when you imagine, for example, how you “suffered” with her on her roller coaster and emotional swings, when yesterday “I love you”, in the morning “I think I loved”, at lunch “I have never loved anyone so much, but now - that’s it”, in the afternoon “I’m afraid to love you”, and in the evening “beloved”.
Of course, the time of day does not matter here; changes in feelings, moods and their expressions can be stretched out over time.
But such relationships, in addition to the fact that they could suck all the juices out of you, are of course explained by attempts at manipulation and achieving their goals. Taking into account specific actions, something akin to psychopathy. When one deliberately (by experience, habit and characteristic features) regularly creates a situation in which "everyone is on edge", and at the same time solves his own problems. Yes, this is a method of psychological influence. You need to know about it.
But the diagnosis can only be confirmed by a qualified doctor. Moreover, there is not a single person in the world who is only bad - everyone has a lot of narcissism and vulnerability mixed in, and it is aggravated by personal experience.
The next one is effective and possible. A broken heart can be healed. But in different ways. Intentional loneliness is also an option. Especially for a strong feeling. But only a strong character can overcome this.
Let's recall E. Schwartz's "An Ordinary Miracle". The hero ("bear") says "and please do not disturb me." And the experienced innkeeper replies: "where there... you will not find peace, lock yourself in a monastery - loneliness will remind you of her..." and so on.
For now, compensatory replacement is more popular, due to the relatively large choice in society. That is, you try to start a new relationship to forget the old one. For some (and popularly) this is also a way to heal a broken heart.
Not perfect, of course, because if the heart is “hurt”, a light affair will only remind you of your “illness”. But you have to try, because only in this way – with something new and a rethinking of the old – can you find your loved one and start a new strong relationship with the necessary trust and tolerance for each other.
And one more way, of course, to restore relations. But here there must be desire on both sides.
In this case, your couple (and you) are great originals, your life is emotionally rich, and it seems that you enjoy it, and such “twists” in form, like a sine wave on an oscilloscope screen, can accompany you forever.
The main thing is that there is no single recipe. Otherwise, there would be no question.
