Psychologist Andrey Kashkarov told what will help to improve relationships
The answer to this question is usually formulaic, like, do “this” or “this” and you will be happy.
Forgetting that relationships between people are a living, dynamically changing product under the influence of circumstances, the characteristic features of people and emotions; the only question is to what extent these changes and transformations are acceptable for specific individuals.
The emotional sphere generally distinguishes humans from many other creatures living on the planet.
Traditional scientists are still not convinced that although “everything that breathes should praise the Lord,” a gopher or a fish can worry about their relationship with a partner.
Imagine two fish wanting to restore their relationship? They simply "won't lose it".
A purely human prerogative and characteristic of all caring people and only to a small extent of mammals of a higher order of reason; again, the question is only to what extent and under what circumstances, with what accompaniment of actions this can take place.
Worrying about difficulties or lost relationships is also a normal phenomenon for people; it speaks of the ability to think and analyze and generally confirms that the relationship was and is, explains psychologist Andrey Kashkarov .
Otherwise, there is nothing to improve.
It is normal to "experience". Moreover, a person himself seeks strong emotions - not only for self-affirmation, but also for happiness.
Here, the awareness of contrast comes into play: a comfortable or peaceful emotional state, equated by some with the happiness of the moment, against the background of an emotional search for a better (state), throwing or instability of emotions through interaction with other people.
The first distinctive moment of the situation is that rarely only one of the couple can fix it; as the "relationship" itself is the work and responsibility of two. It can be illustrated by the lines of M. Yu. Lermontov:
And we must agree with this. But believe me, I am sincerely glad. I would not scold at all - But what can I do?.. They scold me!
Secondly, each person may have their own concept of quality relationships, different from their partner’s “concept”. If it differs slightly, everything is also fine.
In personal relationships, everyone wants understanding and harmony. Modern man is typically narcissistic, thinks little about others, their interests, sometimes does not have the opportunity, but much more often does not know how, has not "made a habit".
In psychoanalytic practice, there have been couples where one (one) knew almost nothing about their partner during months of mutual relationship and was not interested in their loved one.
And if it is not necessary to know his attitude to politics (although this knowledge would help to understand another), then knowledge about his childhood, parents, favorite dishes, preferences and, in general, the history of his development would help to understand his character, and most importantly, his reactions to certain challenges of the time.
The characteristics of a particular person are a significant influential factor in changing relationships.
If we knew them exactly, we would be able to predict the reactions of the other better, and the relationship would be less threatened by the tests of events and time. Therefore, in order not to lose the relationship, it is advisable to predict the reactions of the partner.
Sometimes the prevailing emotions (also determined by narcissism and its derivative – impatience with the imperfection of another) interfere with thinking about the consequences, it seems “all this is unimportant”, “I’m tired of it, let something happen already”. That’s why it happens.
A person always does only what he wants. In the sense that preliminary reflections on the situation (hidden from others) have already led him to options for action (leading to a deterioration in relations with a specific person).
And the action necessarily occurs - under the appropriate circumstances. Therefore, the breakup of the relationship is actually "programmed" in advance, and at its root is discontent, dissatisfaction with the partner's actions.
The worst thing is when dissatisfaction has a cumulative effect, is mutual and even determined from the outside - by relatives, events, other interested or simply idle people. However, it almost never happens otherwise.
Accordingly, the establishment of relationships occurs when people who have lost them try to rethink what happened and understand their partner, their feelings, emotions, conclusions and, in general, interests in joint interaction. This is the main work of a thinking person.
In detail, the options for establishing relationships are banal and simple. This is attention to the other.
Attempts to communicate, help - from psychological support to material or physical, signs of attention in any form, as an option, the return of the “candy-bouquet” period.
That is, not a nominal demonstration that a person is dear to you and irreplaceable. Any methods will do here, based on the knowledge (simplified) that a man needs to be satisfied, and a woman needs to be surprised.
The same method can be used not only to restore relationships, but also to maintain them (so as not to lose them).
As soon as the other person weakens their attention (for any reason, including “rotting on their laurels from habit” and “letting themselves go”) to these most important issues for the couple, the relationship is under threat.
And therefore, too – maintaining a relationship for a long time – of course, is the work of two. And in order to improve the relationship at least to some level, you need to start communicating somehow, and this condition is a desire on both sides, mutual.
Relationships in a couple that are lost or brought to the edge are treated with time, attention to the other, attempts to understand the other, and “hunger,” that is, conditional loneliness (without an alternative replacement partner).
Accordingly, from here we can see a way out of such experiences - in order to stop thinking about lost relationships and other things in them, you need to start a new relationship and replace old emotions with new ones.
When they say, "forget the person and throw yourself into work," this is also a proven method. And vice versa, Lermontov wrote this:
When in the heat of fun. To ponder a mature creation?.. But what a blessing, If heaven decides to send. Exile, confinement. Or even a long illness: Immediately in his solitude. A sweet song will resound! Sometimes he falls passionately in love. With his elegant sadness…
Thirdly, the main question when establishing relationships is still the same – “why?” As a rule, it is asked by the “mind”, and answered by the “heart”.
If not, then in the relationship (they can be different for every couple) either a certain raised to a degree tolerance of imperfection prevails for the sake of a high and not always selfless goal (a mutually beneficial agreement, an example of which could be jointly raising a child or paying off a mortgage, and each in the couple clearly understands that one cannot cope), or the relationship is literally nominal, convenient and even raised to a habit.
In all other cases, the interaction of two people with different characters in the intimate sphere always develops dynamically and is somewhat reminiscent of a “sinusoid”; in plain language – from the ebb to the flow of emotions.
In rethinking the situation, answer yourself clearly to the questions (and at different times - a month after the breakup and a year later or under the influence of circumstances - there may be different answers) - “why”.
Is this person irreplaceable to you? Can you trust him?
Is your tomorrow predictable or do you live every day as if you were “on a volcano” in anticipation of new and uncoordinated decisions (very few people adopt this style)?
How do you see your future together - the relationship with him and how does he see it? Goal setting is very important.
Every person is a cluster of positive and conditionally negative characteristics (otherwise everyone would be similar to each other, as if they had the same dad); it is important to understand what of all this you can tolerate and for how long.
Moreover, the peculiarities of situations and the human mind (and memory) are that over time and with new experience, critical moments become dulled and are partly forgotten, therefore, the answers to these questions for specific relationships and personalities at different times may be different.
Sometimes, after answering the questions (above) honestly, the relationship is literally not needed at that particular moment in time.
And sometimes with a specific person they can be transformed to solve short-term or medium-term long-term tasks, but are not seen as prolonged for the rest of life. In any case, personal connections in a couple are a living, dynamically changing process, work for both.
There are actually more theses, but otherwise we will never finish.
