Psychologist Valery Gut told how to survive a crisis in a relationship
At the beginning of a relationship, we are overwhelmed with such feelings that it seems as if love will last forever.
Valery Gut, psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences, developer of the theory of adaptive intelligence, told how to survive a crisis in a relationship.
But sooner or later, every couple faces difficulties and is faced with a choice - to maintain the relationship or break up.
Lack of mutual understanding, differences in views on fundamental issues, betrayal, inability to hear each other and negotiate lead to disappointment and conflict.
In the course of his research, John Gottman, a family psychologist, learned to recognize the obvious signs of a crisis in a relationship: negative communication with each other, criticism and mean jokes towards the partner, a defensive reaction in the form of an attack, ignoring the other in response to an attempt at reconciliation.
During this period, it is important to acknowledge what is happening and understand that this is not a death sentence for the relationship, but a certain stage, albeit a very difficult one.
Dr. Jed Diamond identifies 5 stages of love that all couples go through: falling in love, becoming a couple, falling in love, true love, and love that can change the world.
Sigmund Freud said: “We do not choose each other by chance… We meet only those who already exist in our subconscious.”
And in order to create strong and harmonious relationships, it is important first of all to study yourself, your needs, beliefs and values.
We unconsciously transfer to our own couple everything that we have accumulated since childhood, the model of the parental family.
Very often we use another to cover up inner emptiness and pain, we build castles in the air and do not really see our partner.
Relationships can be compared to building a house, where the foundation plays a huge role. It must be calculated correctly, otherwise, under unfavorable external circumstances, the walls of the house will collapse like a house of cards.
The same thing happens in a couple: if we build relationships on the sand of complexes and stereotypes, and do not take into account the pitfalls of defense mechanisms, then our home will very quickly collapse.
We need to learn to talk to each other and listen to our partner. When we understand what we want and what we are not happy with, and can clearly convey this, it becomes easier to find a common language without quarrels and scandals.
It is also important to start any changes with yourself, and not demand it from another. Do not criticize or dwell on his shortcomings, but on the contrary, note the pleasant moments, appreciate all the good that is in a person.
During a crisis, we distance ourselves from each other and forget about such simple things as hugs, caresses, kisses, and the habit of holding hands. But touching is one of the main manifestations of love.
It is tactile contact in infancy that gives us a sense of security; with the help of bodily sensations, children learn about the world.
A group of scientists from France and Israel proved in an experiment that the touch of a loved one has a pain-relieving effect.
There are no ideal people. If you don't work on your relationships throughout your life, don't invest in them with actions and kind words, don't correct mistakes, then even the most reliable bonds can break, and beautiful romantic stories can end.
All couples who have lived together for many years have gone through different trials. For example, during his student years, Stephen King met his future wife Tabitha.
Together they overcame hardships that included years of poverty, when they had to scrape by in a laundry and a school. But that was only the beginning of the trials.
Tabitha bore three children and lived with King for many years as he struggled with alcohol and drug addiction, while literary fame became his companion.
She inspired him, supported him and tolerated him. However, at a certain point, she raised the question of breaking off the relationship. This moment became a turning point for King.
He realized that in order to save his family, he needed to change his lifestyle and give up his bad habits. And he did. Tabitha became an integral part of Stephen King's path to literary fame.
Of course, it was largely thanks to Tabitha's support and strength that King was able to rise to the literary Olympus.
Strong relationships do not happen by themselves - it is a daily work of both in a couple. It is necessary to learn love, to live through falling in love and the peaks of crisis, which can happen both before and during marriage.
The difficulties we overcome help us to know ourselves and become more mature and psychologically healthy people.
