Psychologist gives advice on how to survive a crisis in a relationship
No relationship between two people is always colored only by positive emotions, perfectly smooth. But any crisis ends someday, so it is especially important to gain safe experience and analyze it.
It is important to adequately see, understand and rethink the reason for the emergence of certain prerequisites for the crisis, the cause-and-effect relationship, and to do this, remember the background of the conflict, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
Sometimes the reasons can be so deep that they are not immediately visible. Often the problem is in the poor (incorrect) interpretation of verbal and non-verbal messages coming from the partner.
That is why experienced people never sort things out in correspondence or via SMS, or by phone; personal, face-to-face participation, a confidential one-on-one conversation, is better suited for this.
There may be many hints, “warning bells” that signal an approaching crisis, but if they are not perceived or there is no opportunity to correct the situation in a timely manner (also a common reason), then the crisis is inevitable.
In addition, a “toxic” factor in the onset or continuation of a crisis in a relationship is the cumulative effect, the personal grievances subjectively perceived by the parties regarding unfulfilled role or planned expectations.
When a crisis has already happened, it seems that everything will end right now; this is an illusion. For two people in love, nothing ends right away. You don’t have to have the last word “at all costs,” even if you really want to.
This is an understandable and very human desire, but in this case it is very harmful to the relationship. There is no need to resort to threats, personalities, especially touching on the honor of the partner and (or) relatives. Reproaches like "and you yourself" are even more inappropriate.
Wise people always criticize actions, and foolish people - personalities. Wise people try to negotiate, and foolish people break pots and disperse like ships at sea.
Any verbal battles (some people throw stones and break plates – individually and normally) are manifestations, first of all, of the psychological defense of the individual.
"Attack" does not need to be explained, it is usually more focused on hidden or open active action. But if the matter is suitable for a stormy clarification of relations in a verbal skirmish, to questions, even in raised tones, then you need to know that this is... good.
Firstly, this is an indicator of concern and it has been repeatedly confirmed both in scientific research and in folklore: be afraid not of the one who is hysterical, but of the woman who has already stopped doing it. However, the same can be said about men. Do not use words and definitions of an offensive nature: the word "hysterical" is given above only as slang, you need to speak much more gently, because for her this is not hysteria, but a manifestation of high feelings and a reflection of thoughts and concerns in the conditions of misunderstanding of your behavior. And vice versa.
Secondly, it is good and appropriate to use the peak of a relationship crisis to find out everything to the end and come to an equally stormy post-crisis reconciliation (in different versions, the best of which is hugs as a reflection of love).
Leaving in the midst of a crisis with the imperfect motivation of “now let him/her appreciate what he/she has lost” is utter stupidity; never leave in a crisis. On the contrary, it is advisable to find the strength in yourself “through I can’t” and “I don’t want to” to remain silent in a crisis situation (even in response to insults) or – what is even better – without losing your composure, say a nice word to your partner, for example, by choice: “I hear you, I accept you with all the behavioral attachments, I love you, no matter what.”
After this, it is advisable to take a short break in communication. At that time, both parties rethink what happened. You can go outside, for a walk, to the store, but you should not go on vacation for a month or to a sanatorium to rest. Such behavior can threaten various and irreparable consequences.
In order to calm down, you can sleep, read, "immerse yourself in work", but do not turn off your means of communication, even if you feel right or infringed. Do not drown your grievances in alcohol - this is a banality that is too lazy to even discuss. And especially do not sort out relationships while drunk. This is a factor that aggravates the crisis.
After a few hours or days (you can not talk, but live in the same house) the intensity of the former "battle" itself fades away. And at this time, you will definitely remember the good. For additional stimulation of positive emotions, take an album of family photos and refresh your memory - this method is good for couples of any age.
You remember all the good things and especially the reasons why you chose her (him) as your partner at the time. And in general, if the parties, through stupidity (including because of far-fetched grievances), have not committed irreparable acts, the crisis quickly ends. On average, there are several “strong” and dangerous crises in long-term relationships, about once every three years. The problem is not in them at all, but in how you will be able to get out of the situation, save the relationship for your extraordinary happiness.
