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Psychologist Valery Gut told when it is time to get a divorce: advice from a psychologist
21.04.2023 16:26
How to understand that it is time to get a divorce. 6 tips from a psychologist.
Today it is no longer uncommon for people to get divorced after living together for many years. Neither children, nor jointly acquired property, nor joint business stop them.
Valery Gut, PhD in Psychology and developer of the theory of adaptive intelligence, told us when it’s time to get a divorce: advice from a psychologist.
British psychotherapist Philippa Perry has found that people who are unable to resolve conflicts and are afraid to discuss problems that arise gradually begin to distance themselves from each other. Alienation from each other can lead to a breakup.
It is always a painful and long process. “We are all healing from what happened,” Angelina Jolie will say about her breakup with Brad Pitt after 12 years of relationship, in which they gave birth to/adopted 6 children.
"I've hit rock bottom; there's no pain greater than going through a divorce," Jennifer Lopez said of her breakup with Marc Anthony. "I'm constantly tormented by the thought that I've let my beautiful children down..."
Research by psychologists confirms that separation is considered to be as much of a grief as the death of a loved one. And sometimes it is even harder to bear, because there is hope and illusion that everything can be returned.
Helen Fisher, an American anthropologist who has been studying romantic interpersonal attraction for over 30 years, has proven that we become dependent on a person, which can be compared to a drug or nicotine addiction. It is not easy to break this connection.
Constance Arons, an American sociologist and psychiatrist who deals with family issues, writes in her book “Divorce: Collapse or New Life?” that one couple breaks up every thirteen seconds in the world.
And almost immediately adds that divorce has its advantages, which are that it is better to survive a certain critical moment than to cross out years of your life, suffering in an unsuccessful marriage. In some situations, divorce will be the right thing to do.
1. The partner fell out of love
There are fewer topics for discussion, communication is strained, the person avoids any closeness. He can become picky, making comments on every occasion. During a quarrel, he begins to agree with all the arguments, just so that they leave him alone, but then he does it his own way.
No matter how painful it is, you have to accept this fact. If at some point your partner honestly says that there are no more feelings, it is time to break up. After all, it is not in our power to control other people's emotions, and keeping a person close to you only condemns both yourself and him to suffering.
"It's not the best thing for children to hear their parents fight. I knew what I was doing was best for my child. I truly believe that he would be better off with two homes filled with love and happiness than one filled with fighting and misunderstanding." (Christina Aguilera)
2. One-sided game
People enter into marriage with different expectations. Some marry to complement each other, to work not only for their own happiness, but also for the happiness of their chosen one. And some treat marriage differently.
Some women believe that a man's duty is to shower his wife with gifts and be with her around the clock, forgetting about his own interests and hobbies.
There are also men who are convinced that putting all their strength and soul into ensuring the comfort of their spouse is the sacred duty of a wife.
This is not a relationship between loving people. This is a relationship between a consumer and his victim. And changing the behavior strategy or stopping it is the most correct thing to do.
3. Moral superiority
Considering yourself better than your partner in everything is a trap. Either the chosen one will start to protest against oppression, or he will submit, but then the partner who has endowed himself with superiority will become bored and disgusted by his own choice.
4. Treason
The debate about whether it is possible and necessary to forgive betrayal has been going on for a long time. Indeed, there are different types of betrayal. Often the unfaithful lover himself repents of what he did.
But if partners fail to leave the betrayal in the past, the pain does not subside - it is better to break up. Otherwise, life will be poisoned by jealousy, toxic hints and attempts to cause pain.
5. Loss of self-realization
A successful marriage complements life, makes it richer and more enjoyable. But at the same time, each partner has their own path, their own interests. And if marital relations become an obstacle to self-realization, this is a reason to think: will the renunciation of one's own "I" be too high a price for the opportunity to be together.
6. Violence
Whether physical or emotional, abuse is a valid reason to end a relationship as soon as possible.
The use of force has nothing to do with love. A loving person will seek to calm anger and learn to build respectful relationships.
However, it happens that a tyrant holds his victim for years, demonstrating dramatic remorse and making promises that he never keeps. And when this stops working, he switches to open threats.
Relationships that involve violence can destroy a person's personality, deprive them of health, and sometimes even life.
Don't be a hero by "saving" your tormentor. You need to protect yourself first.
"When people get divorced, it always seems like such a tragedy. But the tragedy can be the decision to continue living together" (Monica Bellucci).
Divorce is always painful. But we can try to avoid it.
If we remember when our own shortcomings, unwillingness to change, to give in served as a source of discord in relationships, then perhaps the conclusions we draw will be very valuable and will save our relationships in the future.
