Second marriage: why it is stronger than the first, psychologist Alvina Birt explains
According to statistics, more first marriages break up than second ones. What is the reason for this?
When we get married, we think that this is love for life, says the expert of the online publication Belnovosti, Birt Alvina Aleksandrovna , psychologist, sexologist, doctor, women's coach.
When choosing a partner, we try to find our ideal based on our criteria, but in nature there is no perfect recipe for choosing a partner, in any case, it is a certain risk.
The criteria by which a choice of husband or wife is made are not always significant, and sometimes are even imposed by others.
Of course, it is important for a person to have his choice approved by his immediate environment, thus it removes the feeling of uncertainty and confirms the correctness of the choice. But, unfortunately, reality does not always coincide with expectations, and already in the first months, partners begin to become disappointed in each other and in the developing relationship.
In such a situation, some begin to blame their partner for everything, while others try to bring their ideas about family life into line with real possibilities and improve their relationships, and only a few turn to psychologists for help.
For children, the example of the relationship between a man and a woman is their parents. Children, like sponges, quickly absorb what they see and accept that it should be so. And already in adulthood, when they meet a life partner, they behave as was accepted in their family, but their families were different, and the scenarios, traditions, and norms of behavior, respectively, too.
But what if the child grew up in a single-parent family or the relationship between the parents was far from friendly? Most young people, leaving their parents' home, do not have a positive example of family life, and some even have gaps in the emotional sphere of development.
In such cases, young people decide to compensate for this as quickly as possible by creating their own family, and very often the choice of a partner is not made out of high feelings for the person.
The most common reasons for marriage are:
- the need to feel needed and loved;
- desire to have a satisfying, consistent sexual life;
- achieving a certain social status at the expense of a partner;
- and only a smaller part - for the creation of new life.
Very often, infatuation is mistaken for love, and first marriages are concluded on the impulse of feelings. Most often, having entered into marriage early, people are unprepared for it. Especially emotionally immature, with undeveloped responsibility, accustomed to having everything decided for them. Most of such marriages are doomed to divorce.
People approach their second marriage responsibly. Having weighed all the pros and cons from their previous marriage. They already have a clear image of what they want from this relationship and what efforts they are ready to make so that the marriage is strong and long-lasting.
Plus, past experience helps us understand what qualities of a partner are needed and important. And these are no longer fantasies about an ideal partner, but real qualities that were needed in a relationship, but were not there in the marriage with the first partner.
In a second marriage, a person already evaluates his actions and is able to adequately find a compromise in relationships. People become more tolerant and do not try to prove to each other who is more important, which is very important. Of course, with age, one's own opinion about responsibilities and mutual assistance changes. Men are more willing to help with household chores, actively participate in raising children, and are more relaxed about a woman's requests.
In addition, most often people already have a profession, a job by the second marriage and do not worry about how everything will work out in their career. This means they can devote more time and attention to relationships.
In youth we do not dwell on moments, make mistakes, think that everything is still ahead. Being remarried, we begin to value relationships, time spent together, words of support said in time, surprises and gifts for each other, which is very important.
And of course, the interests of the partners play a big role. Having experience of an unsuccessful marriage, the second time people choose a person with similar interests.
Spouses love the same things, there are no arguments about how, for example, to spend the weekend. They understand that their common interests and views are necessary for building a strong relationship.
Thus, by approaching the issue of remarriage wisely, you can count on an excellent result. After all, now you are already conscious people who know what you want in family life.
