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Social psychologist tells how to communicate with toxic people
18.04.2023 18:54
Nowadays, it is fashionable to call almost any behavior that is uncomfortable for others toxic.
But from time to time, we all use harsh words, act in a way that is most convenient for us, and set rigid boundaries.
This does not make us “toxic,” says social psychologist, methodologist and leading trainer at the Jewish Museum’s Tolerance Center Elena Gorinova .
To correct your attitude towards an “inconvenient” colleague or family member, build competent communication and create a comfortable atmosphere, you need to start with understanding what toxicity is in the psychology of relationships.
Key signs of toxicity
- Egocentrism.
- Lies and deceit.
- Difficulty showing empathy.
- Tendency to conflict: both to create conflict situations and to overly dramatic reactions.
- Manipulation and controlling behavior.
- Unreliability and unpredictability.
It's normal and even healthy to prioritize your own needs, but toxic people do it at the expense of others.
Communication Rule #1: Don't Play by Their Rules
Toxic people play the victim in almost any situation. At work, this can manifest itself in the form of complaints, falsified reports, gossip, and regular violation of their own obligations.
It's tempting to just nod or turn away so you don't have to listen to another story or, more often than not, witness a scandal in the form of a monologue. But you shouldn't do that. A toxic person may see you as a supporter and receive confirmation that their behavior is correct.
Express calm disagreement using respectful language.
- I have a different opinion on this matter.
- Thanks for sharing. I have a different position.
Don't make accusations, just state the facts.
Toxic people may accuse you of lacking empathy and expressing support, but the more often you “feed” such a person with empathy, the more often you will become a source of energy. Express support, but calmly and briefly: “I’m sorry you feel this way...”
Communication Rule #2: Talk about the consequences for you
Very often, toxic people do not even realize that they are manipulating, interfering, creating too much drama and thereby affecting the atmosphere in the family or team.
Sometimes what is needed is an open conversation about the consequences.
Don't blame your partner. Based on facts that concern you personally, communicate what you feel and why. The "I-statements" format will help you do this correctly.
- Katya, I feel uncomfortable and awkward when I hear this about our relatives. I will not participate in this conversation.
- Grigoriy, I value trust in our relationship very much. I won't be able to maintain our friendship if you lie to me again.
- Arseniy, I feel exhausted discussing this topic. I would not like to return to it, because it prevents me from completing work tasks on time.
These phrases do not judge the toxic person's actions, but only express your own feelings. You remain neutral and set boundaries.
Rule of communication #3: Don't correct the person
We can care about our colleagues, relatives and friends, but we cannot put our own thoughts, feelings and attitudes into their heads. People can change, but for this they, not you, must make an effort.
Trying to "re-educate" or even "teach a lesson" to a toxic person will not be successful. Don't set yourself such a goal, don't take responsibility for the behavior of another.
Toxic behavior of loved ones often makes us feel guilty, even if there are no objective reasons for it. Listening to accusations and insults, everyone involuntarily begins to puzzle over the question: "What did I do wrong?"
You have done nothing wrong. Try not to take someone else's anger personally. Take a deep breath and either say a calm "no," briefly express your position, or leave the communication.
Communication Rule #4: You're Not Here
Sometimes it is extremely difficult to get out of communication with a toxic person. The partner feels that he can manipulate your feelings, and you are in the “available” zone.
If you are unavailable, sooner or later it will become awkward to interact with you.
At work, this strategy is especially useful, and you have plenty of opportunities to interrupt communication.
- Sorry, I can't talk. I have an important meeting, I'm getting ready.
- Sorry, Larisa Mikhailovna, too much work.
- What did you say? Sorry, a very important report.
In some cases, you can put on headphones even if there is no music playing: this way you simply show your “absence” from the communication field.
Communication Rule #5: Set Boundaries
At home, it’s harder to avoid interacting with toxic people—you’re already in the same field of action. In this case, your option is to reduce the amount of time you spend together and set personal boundaries.
Contrary to popular belief, tolerance has nothing to do with patience. Tolerating something unpleasant for a long time is a) impossible; b) harmful. Tolerance is, among other things, the ability to speak up about your discomfort and to set the “rules of the game” in a timely manner. Establish for yourself what you are ready to ignore and what you are not. Communicate this and stick to the plan.
— “I am ready to listen to my sister’s complaints about her husband and the prices in the store, but no verbal abuse or gossip about her parents.”
— "I can calmly react to a colleague's caustic comments, I don't even hear them. But if the work is not done properly because of constant talk, I will immediately say so. Missing deadlines is unacceptable."
— "I am ready to help my mother at the dacha, but I will tell her right away that her grandchildren will come out of town only if they themselves want to. This does not make me a bad mother, and I will not listen to accusations."
When your partner starts a conversation that is unpleasant for you, you have every right to say: “As I said, I don’t like this topic.” After that, you can leave the room, put on your headphones, and continue doing your own thing.
The "You Come First" Mindset
It is important to understand that egocentrism and the priority of one’s own safety (psychological and physical) are different positions.
Healthy, non-toxic relationships involve mutual support: you give support, and you receive something in return. Self-care means that you have enough resources to meet your own needs.
When dealing with a toxic person, remember that caring about your own resources does not make you selfish. Quite the opposite, it makes you a person who can help others.
