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Psychologist Lyubov Trofimova told how childhood trauma manifests itself in marital relationships
05.03.2023 17:41
Updated: 14.04.2023 12:00
Nowadays, official marriages are concluded much more often than a few years ago.
Psychologist Lyubov Trofimova told how childhood trauma manifests itself in marital relationships.
But divorce proceedings have also ceased to be a rarity; let's take statistics as an example: according to EMISS, 70% of marriages broke up in Russia in 2021, 73% in 2020.
Divorces happen because partners often compensate for their problems at the expense of the other person and do not know how to conduct an open dialogue.
Often the cause of this is childhood traumas, which have a huge impact on our entire lives and are most vividly played out in married couples. Globally, our childhood traumas are divided into two types: relationships with mom and relationships with dad.
In this article, we will look at the most common problems and ways to solve them at a basic level before going to a psychologist. This article is for those who want to save their marriage and make family relationships strong and healthy.
3 most common injuries
- Sexual relations. There is no sex education in Russia and it is not customary to talk openly about sexual relations in families. Moreover, it is ridiculously uncommon to even call the genitals by their proper names.
Because of this, there is a tightness of one's body and a rejection of one's own sexuality, difficulties in relationships with a partner occur. This most often leads to betrayal and divorce.
What to do?
Recognize the attitudes instilled in us by our parents in childhood in the area of our body and sexual relations, and work through them.
Try to have an open dialogue with your partner about your desires in the intimate sphere, study each other and their interests, share fantasies.
- Karpman's triangle. Due to the fact that parents who lived through the post-Soviet period were cold to their children, children experience a lack of love, attention and support.
Often, roles in the family were distributed as follows: one parent was the aggressor, the other was the victim, and the child was the savior. Depending on the situation, these roles could change and pass in a circle from one family member to another.
This is dangerous because the child gets used to either aggression or the savior syndrome and cannot build adult relationships, thinking that no one will love him for no reason.
For such children, the pattern of receiving love is an outburst of aggression, followed by apologies and, in the end, accusing the other person of actually being to blame for everything.
What to do?
Track all your emotional manifestations, in what situations they occur and how emotionally a person reacts to a particular event.
Maybe you snap at someone without a good reason, try to help everyone, or constantly complain about life. These three moments will be markers for you that you are going in circles and can’t get out of it.
Here it is worth taking the position of an observer and seeking help from a specialist.
- Overprotection and overcontrol. Children who grew up in the 90s and 00s were subjected to great overprotection from their parents, who controlled their every step, action and exit from the home.
The parents were strongly influenced by the situation in the country and thus forced them to show care and create a safe space for their children.
An adult who grew up in such conditions shows their love in the same way, trying to control every step and action of their partner, assuming that they know better what is safer for the other person. This can develop into a persecution mania that practically suffocates the other half in the relationship.
What to do?
Understand at what moments overprotection and hypercontrol are included, after that you need to discuss this topic with your partner, honestly telling and explaining what is your main fear.
In a dialogue, you will be able to agree on a comfortable format of interaction so that you can gradually begin to let go of the situation and bring the relationship to a more trusting level and personal freedom without violating your partner's personal boundaries.
Of course, you can track and work on such injuries yourself, but it is better to contact a professional.
