Psychologist Andrey Kashkarov explained why it is wrong to punish children
The emotional state of a person, including an adult, is subject to change - influenced by circumstances, medical health, and the cumulative effect.
From this alone it can be understood that a person is not in the same state all the time. A person's state influences his readiness, duration and form of reactions to the challenges of time.
One of such challenges is the unexpected or conditionally non-“normative” behavior of a child, the results of his activities or attitude to a particular issue (event).
In this situation, you just want to show your will, your power, “set an example of how it should be” (usually people do this with words instead of actions) and generally punish the child, while some parents call their actions justified by the “educational process”.
It is clear that for each child and parent there is a lot of misunderstanding in their relationship to the world and to each other, and again the difference between what is expected and what is real leads to dissatisfaction on both sides.
It is this that causes emotional arousal, says psychologist Andrey Kashkarov . People react in accordance with their psychotype.
First, we need to understand and adopt a unified system of assessments in terms of what “punishment” is. In the context of this article, we will understand the term as the application of measures to a child in response to inappropriate behavior.
Moreover, the latter is perceived subjectively and is quite controversial. After all, a child can behave both intentionally in relation to events or you, and directly.
Punishment is intended to ensure greater obedience or a model of behavior and social behavior that is acceptable to the parent.
Punishment as an element of the educational process in the system is necessary for the formation of a stable model of the child's behavior, his reaction to the challenges of the time. This is how it can be explained beautifully, well and correctly.
As for practice, parents act differently, in accordance with their psychotype (which is sometimes different from the child’s psychotype), and in general we recommend using not the term or definition of punishment (especially since its forms can be different), but a more appropriate term – suggestion.
These are (if you compare) completely different concepts. With punishment it is clear that this is a method of active action as a reaction to something, essentially a method after the fact, when the event has already happened.
But suggestion is a more humane and reliable method, because it has greater universality of application (at any time, including not based on past events, but on external examples, including other people, elements of culture and art, history).
Punishment in the considered way is somewhat reminiscent of revenge. "You did this to me, and I did that to you." It is futile in principle; it only works when contacts with a person are broken off once and for all. Which cannot be done to the full extent in a family-like home environment.
Suggestion does not so much imply limiting the other person’s benefits as explaining the situation, including based on the parent’s personal stories – they are perceived by the child much more easily and pleasantly than the mentoring tone of “you can’t do that,” “do it this way, otherwise I’ll punish you,” etc.
Suggestion involves explaining the options for behavior patterns in a specific situation, even to an analyst: “look what will happen if you do this” (next time), and what will happen if you do it differently.
It is undesirable to punish children because you will only punish yourself. Both literally and figuratively.
In a literal sense, because after any manifestation of power, even if it happened through influence and suggestion in verbal form, an adult often feels discomfort and subconsciously asks himself - “Did I go overboard with the punishment?”
That is, the emotional background of the adult (parent) also changes towards suffering, and one wants to "make amends". This happens because you understand the disproportion of your impact on the person who cannot give you back in the same form and force.
In a figurative sense, there is no point in punishing because the child’s personality has been partially formed and continues to develop, he is gaining strength, improving in analytical thinking and physically, and the time comes when “eggs teach hens” or children make their parents dependent on their interests in one way or another.
And the parent has no choice but to regret and reproach themselves for the mistakes of upbringing. Believe me, every mother and father experiences this from time to time.
The complexity of the situation is that almost any emotional reactions remain in a person's memory. The stronger the experience, the brighter the impressions and "memory".
Time is a “healer”, but to heal, each person needs a different amount of time, and this is connected with the psychotype, experience, surrounding situation, substitution practices (distracting attention, including work and personal employment) and other circumstances.
And therefore punishments are also meaningless. That is, they are meaningless when you want to maintain a trusting relationship, conditional control over the child for a long time and ensure yourself a “quiet” old age, and not solve the problems of an adult child before your centenary.
Mistakes and "bad behavior" of the child, manifestation of irresponsibility on his part are inevitable. The mistake of parents in this case is to perceive the child as equal to themselves. In fact, this is not so for various reasons and in all spheres of life.
In practice, it is very important to be tolerant of children, no matter what - your tiredness or bad mood. It is important to systematically show the child: no matter what he does, you love him.
You can further use the explanation “because you are the best”, but we recommend using others that have less influence on the development of narcissism - “you are special to me”.
This practice, with the exclusion of critical remarks directed at the child's personality (criticism is needed in relation to actions), gives him the awareness that "bad actions do not make me bad." That is, not all is lost.
You can't say "you're not my son (daughter) anymore"; that's the extreme level of parental narcissism and pedagogical neglect. This is very important in relationships - when bridges are not burned - especially parents in relation to children.
Negative emotions and feelings arise in everyone, regardless of age. The main thing is to develop skills - how to cope with these states.
It is important to maintain trust and emotional support for your loved one. You should not ignore the revelations, questions and requests of the child. If you are tired, then agree to discuss the issue later, setting a specific time.
A child’s understanding that “I am needed,” “I am loved,” that is, a derivative of emotional support from a parent who shows that “I am always there,” no matter what, helps his confidence and stability, including emotional stability, and in relationships with peers and other adults.
Remember, in the children's world, including preschool and school, a child is also constantly exposed to stressful situations (which seem "childish" to you). In home and protected relationships, stress should not continue. On the contrary.
Celebrate your child's successes, especially if something is difficult for him and he, worrying about it himself, is conditionally vulnerable emotionally. Moreover, you can't tell your child that you love him only when he gets good grades.
Scolding for bad behavior is generally pointless. Yes, you need to point out how angry and frustrated you are, but in measured doses and without punishment - suggestion and explanation are discussed above.
It is unlikely that your punishment will make your child "obey" better. He will only live with a sense of threat - until a certain time, until he himself gains "freedom" and accumulates strength.
In order to punish less, it is appropriate to add independence to the child in accordance with his age (or to cultivate it). You can agree that behavior in certain situations or academic or sports success is the child's personal business and you, as a parent, can help, but do not intervene proactively.
Through trial and error (which you minimize), the child learns to make decisions independently in situations and, in general, adapts better to adult life.
But, as in many similar cases, when there are many generalizations and few specifics, there is also the possibility of erroneous parental tactics.
The mother, who was raising a teenage girl, “trusted” the latter so much that she was only formally interested in school affairs; the mother was a passionate person and was involved in equestrian sports, and also kept a horse, which is not easy in our times.
As a result, they lived amicably with their daughter, went in for horse riding, almost never argued, and there was no reason to punish the "child". Until the moment when, at the next school meeting, they were shocked by the fact that based on the results of the assessment, the girl would not be transferred to the next grade.
Therefore, it is important to understand the issues of parental attention and the presentation of the consequences of certain activities, choosing the tactics of suggestion consciously and in accordance with the circumstances.
