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Psychologist Anastasia Korneeva told how to deal with children's aggression
07.08.2023 20:58
To delve into such a difficult topic and understand how to deal with it, you need to recognize a couple of axioms on the shore:
Anastasia Korneeva, a psychologist at the online platform Gran.RF, told us how to combat childhood aggression.
1. Aggression itself is normal. There are no good or bad emotions, and each of them has its own reasons and tasks. Getting angry is possible and necessary, including for children.
The problem lies not in anger as such, but in behavior - the ways in which it is expressed.
2. Children are not able to fully cope with their emotions. This is exactly what adults are for - to help a little person cope with their feelings.
This process is called containment. The child has not yet developed his own container for feelings - and this is normal development.
When he grows up, he will learn to regulate his emotions independently, if, of course, an adult teaches him.
Now let's figure out what aggression is.
In a broad sense, aggression in humans (and other animals) occurs in two cases: when boundaries are violated or there is a threat of such a violation, and when there are some obstacles on the way to an important goal (you need to satisfy a need, but something is in the way).
Aggression is, first of all, energy, force, impulse, “movement towards”. Aggressiveness as a character trait or human behavior is an external manifestation of this condition, and systematically and in an unacceptable form.
The problem is precisely in aggressiveness, not in aggression. When a person frequently and unconstructively expresses anger, it affects his relationships with others.
Reasons why a child may be aggressive:
The type of the child's nervous system. Simply put - temperament, innate impulsiveness. Here the parent's task is to help the child find a way to direct his ardor in another direction: sports, physical activity and games, beating pillows, etc.
Symptom of diseases. If aggressiveness is off the charts, takes pathological forms (sadism) and is combined with a number of other disorders - a doctor, neurologist or psychiatrist can help.
Too many “no’s” in a child’s life. If the whips are too strong in upbringing, and there are not enough carrots, the child will begin to fight for the satisfaction of his needs, literally.
Lack of upbringing. The rarest reason, by the way. A case when no one bothered to explain to the child how he can and cannot behave. When there is indulgence at home, the child has no authorities in the form of adults - the result is a violation of the boundaries of others by the child.
Imitation of adults. And this is the most COMMON reason. At home he sees violence - he repeats it outside the home. Parents yell, spank, behave aggressively - the child will quickly adopt this model of communication as his main one.
How can we combat aggressive behavior in children?
Rule out pathology. If your child is going through another age crisis or there is some crisis period within the family, then episodes of emotional outbursts may occur, and this is rather the norm.
But if the problem is gaining serious momentum, it is important to show the child to specialists and get advice.
Pay attention to the child, give him what he lacks. Most often, it is your attention and participation - nothing more. Spend more time with him, be interested, get closer.
Offer your child alternatives. Simply saying “you can’t do that, stop!” won’t work.
You will have to offer something instead: “What if in this situation we call the teacher for help?”, “Maybe you can try to come to an agreement and play in turns?”, “Let’s talk and you tell me what you are unhappy with and what you would like to change, and I will try to help you with this.”
Explain the consequences. Don't scare, just talk about what this behavior can lead to. Give examples. "Do you think guys will want to be friends with you if you fight?
Who would you like to be friends with? Maybe if you are separated from the kids, you will have no one to play with and will feel sad. Let's think about how you can best behave so that you feel comfortable?"
A firm no. Be consistent in your decisions and firm in your boundaries - this is a parent's responsibility. Broke a toy - yes, it's a shame and there will be tears, but you won't buy a new one.
Yes, mommy doesn't like being hit, and now she won't play with you today. Stand your ground - this is the only way you can help your child develop a sense of boundaries and responsibility.
